Battle Brothers LP - Slayin' With the Boys

[Irenaeus]

I've tried this game about 4 times now, but it just seems to be RNG "gotcha" ****. Skill issue? Sexual-orientation problems? Help me out bros...

It's supposed to be a more realistic game, meaning people die a lot in a fight. Playing on Beginner gives you bonuses to your rolls.

[Kalarion]

I've tried this game about 4 times now, but it just seems to be RNG "gotcha" ****. Skill issue? Sexual-orientation problems? Help me out bros...

Basic tips:
- Find a small village that will sell tools cheap (preferably one with a workshop, or with gem/salt/copper mines or an iron vein), and get allied with it ASAP.
- Spears and swords only until a bro has at least 65 - 70 melee skill.
- If you get a bro with bad rolls, don't dismiss him. Stick any spare 2-handers on him (Goedendags are great for this) and use him as a shock troop until he dies. Don't underestimate the value of 2 - 3 2-handed kamikazes in a fight.
- At least 2 backline bros ASAP, even if all they have is a pitchfork.
- Avoid ranged until you have a bro with 60+ ranged skill. Your starter ranged bro is OK to use a crossbow from the start.
- Buy LOW (small villages, good settlement conditions, high reputation), sell HIGH (big cities/trading towns, Ambushed Routes/Rebuilding Effort, high reputation).
- Get up to 8 - 12 bros as fast as you can, depending on your taste. Action economy is a big consideration.

[Kalarion]

MOAR DOTS DINGS

@Irenaeus:



@Boontaker:



@gerey



This is getting really upsetting. I'm considering hex-editing your melee skill to just add +12 to it, this is like the fifth or sixth ding in a row that's been a +1 roll.

Our front line is running into problems with fatigue management. I highly suggest most of you think seriously about picking up both Brawny and Recover over the next couple levels, and start pumping fatigue hard (this is what I'm doing with Whiteshark and Cogemeister). All three of you are hard as **** to hit but you can't stay in the fight. You get about 3 rounds worth of actions before you're too winded to take more than one action per round.

Same goes for @Nemesis. If you want to be on the front lines you're going to need more fatigue, and you'll want Brawny and Recover to be able to stay in the fight. Don't be deceived by the reduced fatigue penalty since you don't have shields. Once Berserk starts popping and you guys are taking 2 swings per round that fatigue goes fast, and without Recover all you can do is wait like 3 rounds to get back on your feet.

[Kalarion]

We also have plenty of crowns, so time to pick another retinue member! We've unlocked a new option:

The Blacksmith - Repairs armor 33% faster, and will allow worn equipment to be repaired after battle even if it was destroyed or lost on a dead bro. Notes - absolutely phenomenal in all situations, but especially late-game where you're dealing with 400-600 armor per bro.

I'm also going to exercise prerogative and upgrade our inventory space (5000 crowns (!!)).

[Irenaeus]

For me: ranged att and def, then maybe resolve or initiative?
For Perks there are so many possibilities. I can think of Bags-N-Belts, Pathfinder, Fortified Mind, Gifted, Lone Wolf or Footwork... Depends on how you want to play it!

[Boontaker]

@Kalarion +Melee attack, +Melee Defense, +Resolve. For the perk take Gifted, then do Melee attack, melee defense, resolve again. This will at least get me to 60 attack and over 10 melee defense

[Kalarion]

DOGS OF WEILBURG, cont.

► Play Session

Following the successful defense of Reinbruch, the Turtles take care of their dings. First up, Hauberk:


He takes Killing Frenzy for his perk. Next up, 1998:


He takes Footwork. I'm very happy with both of their Ranged Attack scores, considering neither had talent stars in it. Both should break 80 skill, very comfy for crossbow and thrower bros (archers really need to hit at least 90 to be good).

: How's Gerey doing, doc?
: He will live, by the Gilder's grace. But his heart was irreparably damaged. This is perhaps no longer the life for him.
: He'll decide that.

Gerey's affliction from being struck down is Weak Heart, which permanently reduces his max HP by 30%. This is at least somewhat mitigated by his having Colossus, but it's devastating nonetheless. His max HP dropped from 85 down to 65

With only a Noble contract available in Reinbruch, Kalarion decides it's time to head back to the Turtles' main contract territory. Riedland has a contract waiting for us, a nice, easy 2-star hunting job. We take it immediately. The thieves aren't even far enough outside town to require 1998's tracking:


: What are we looking at, Ventilator?
: Just a gaggle of Thugs, sir.
: I can't believe the local bandits haven't figured out this place is our stomping grounds. You'd think they'd pick up stakes for their own safety if nothing else.
: Easy money

There are 15 enemies, and it's a snoozefest slaughter. Loot is ****, but the pay for the level of effort was pretty decent. Kalarion gets a quick visit to the Temple in Riedland for a random arrow he took to the shoulder:

: My thanks, Sisters.

: Kalarion, we have a review to conduct.
: Kalarion...? A review?
: I am not one of your Indebted. You wish to enlist my talents to become fabulously wealthy? Very well, I shall profit as well. But we are partners in this venture.
: Partners. How low the mighty have fallen.
: Well. I recognize I am the junior. But still.
: Very well. Here's what we have.


: Good Gilder! Thurah hating your guts is just the price of business, but the other houses barely know your name! What have you been doing all this time?!
: Starting small. Look:


: The Nobles don't know us... but everyone else in the North does. Salzfels has a gem mine and salt, and Riedland, well, you already know about Riedland.
: Reinbruch's mayor needs some work. Let's just say that our defense of the town was... payment on an old debt. They'll be a good source of cheap armor, and they've got gems and salt as well.
: You can see now why I've been so intent on repairing relations with them. We've at least established relations with several other potentially valuable villages as well. Dornen, Aalbek... but I imagine that will come later.
:

There's a new 2-star contract available, but it's a caravan escort to Hafnarsholm. That would take us out of the war for too long. Kalarion rejects it immediately. Meanwhile, Reinhardt takes all our junk to market and comes back with just shy of 5,000 crowns for all of it. Next stop, Salzfels and trade goods!
: Yay!

...




:

I had forgotten that Salzfels is the primary Thurah target for harassment and raiding. On the plus side, a package delivery contract to Reinbruch is still available.
: Right. Time to end this war. We'll take that package delivery to Reinbruch. But first...



It's just over the mountains to the southwest. We head over. It's in a swamp, ugh:


: It's a proper hideout, sir. Their archers look competent too.
: Form the men up defensively, Boontaker. The swamp is going to make things worse.
: Aye, sir.

It turns out not to be as terrible as I was afraid it would be:


The round opens as usual, with the Marksmen wasting arrows on our shieldbros. The Turtles advance steadily, shields up. In swamps and forests we really feel the lack of Pathfind on several bros. What should be a quick march forward with an attack available at the end, eats up our AP. Irenaeus won't be attack this round .

Our Mod Squad charges forward in the south. Eyestabber, with his armor still unrepaired (this will be common for awhile, as he doesn't yet have Battle-forged), moves a little slower.

:

The next round opens uneventfully. The Turtles have all the time in the world, and wait for the inevitable advance of the bandits. In the south, an axe Raider moves forward and takes a swing at Nemesis, dealing a good chunk of armor damage.
: Bad idea.


He uses his berserk charge to close with the nearby flail Raider.

:

Kalarion moves up to support on the flail Raider, taking a swing that smashes through the Raider's armor and inflicts a cut artery. Meanwhile up north:
: Gerey, Whiteshark, seal that gap. Let's see if we can tangle them up and start poking from behind this barricade.
: By thy command, sergeant.
: Jawohl!

Cogemeister moves to stall the mace Raider that was trying to charge Boontaker. He takes a swing that smashes the Raider's armor and gives him a nasty injury. Hammers with Crippling Strikes are awesome. The Raider line is now fully engaged on very unfavorable terms:


Boontaker stabs at Cogemeister's target but misses. The Raiders continue moving into position, taking swings and potshots but not doing serious damage. OnTilt, seemingly half-surrounded, coolly whallops an unshielded sword Raider. It almost kills the Raider, and crushes his ribcage.



Irenaeus, now comfortably ensconced behind Gerey and Whiteshark, opens round 3 with a pair of javelins at the pike Raider, piercing his shoulder. 1998 moves forward to get directly behind the barricade, then lands a solid hit on one of the archer Marksmen. Boontaker lends aid to Cogemeister, stabbing the mace Raider. This hit destroys the Raider's armor and pierces his ribs.

Gerey, sensing opportunity, rushes forward and slashes at the pike Raider. He misses, but the Raider is now in melee and in bad condition. Fodder, now wielding a shiny new billhook taken off some nameless Thurah corpse, steps up next to 1998 and headshots the poleaxe Raider!

: Luv me billhook. Simple as

Billhooks are a type of polearm more akin to axes than spears. They do significant armor damage (rather than piercing armor, as a pike does), and have a slightly lower bonus to hit. They also have the ability to pull targets closer (rather than repelling, as pikes). I gave this one to Fodder because he's close to 70 melee skill, so I think he'll be able to hit with it consistently.

Eyestabber's charge has ended, but he swings and misses on the flail Raider.
:

Nemesis, meanwhile, connects again with a headshot, nearly killing the Raider.
:

Hauberk, with a clear line of sight to the poleaxe Raider, lands a headshot that drops the Raider to single-digit HP! At this point, what should have been a dangerous backline is now engaged in melee and nearly dead. Things are looking up!

Kalarion swings and misses on the same flail Raider. Things are looking down.
: I-i-i-it's over.

Cogemeister misses both his swings too. Luckily, Whiteshark breaks the chain:


: Truly, the White M- Shark burden is a heavy load.

The next round opens with OnTilt getting slammed by the hammer Raider, scrapping his armor. Right now he's fine but if the Raiders around him aren't killed quickly, he'll be in deadly trouble. Gerey slashes the pike Raider and puts him down. He uses his berserk charge to move forward to tie up one on the Marksmen, then attacks- for a beheading!
: STURM UND DRANG!

OnTilt goes to work:

: Womp womp

As a bonus the mace Raider drops straight to Fleeing. OnTilt takes another swing with his berserk charge but misses. Nemesis finally kills the flail Raider with another beheading. Eyestabber is so ****** that the Raiders take one look at his approach and drop to Breaking. Fodder Rotates with 1998 and brains the Marksman that was trying to hide behind the barricade. Kalarion moves next to Nemesis to support against the sword-and-board Raider, dropping that one to Breaking as well. OnTilt is still in trouble but things are looking a lot better now.

Meanwhile up north, Whiteshark queues up Gerey by smashing the northern mace Raider's shield. Cogemeister continues to whiff. Boontaker tries for another stab but misses as well. Luckily, the fleeing mace Raider gets killed trying to run away, causing a morale failure cascade that cinches the fight:


There's nothing left to do but mop up the remains. Loot:


This missed the bag of salt I got from the fight as well, a big highlight.
:

The Turtles head back for payment, happily clearing Ambushed Routes as well. Unfortunately the constant Thurah raiding means no trade goods are available in the markget. Time to head (temporarily) for greener pastures. We take the Reinbruch delivery quest.

Along the road:

: Sure kid, I mean this isn't a step down at all from what I used to be.
: Sir! No, what are you-

Kalarion climbs the tree. Surprisingly he doesn't end up falling out of it! But then:

:
: More and more I remember what a pain in the *** you were, sir.
: Shut up and let's get out of here!

The Turtles continue on to Reinbruch without further incident. Kalarion checks out the local contracts with Whiteshark, while Reinhardt hurries off to the market. The only available contract:


: You have GOT to be kidding me. If I ruled...
: Remember your place, sellsword! I have the money - lots of it - here if you want it. But I won't listen to lectures on rulership from money-grubbing club-swingers!

Kalarion goes white. Whiteshark quietly speaks.
: Surely thou thinkest of thine own advice at this precarious moment, sir. Mayhaps it is best to focus on the object of this gentle's... indiscretion.
: ...Indeed so. Hexen must be rooted out everywhere. And as you say, Mayor, the pay is commensurate. We will deal with Reinbruch's problem.

Negotiations completed, Kalarion and Boontaker prepare the men for the upcoming fight.

: Most of you have had a taste of what fighting these hags is like. Care and preparation are crucial to our not slaughtering each other.
: Each other?
: Indeed, brother.
: Boontaker, take charge of preparations.
: Sir. Alright men, clubs only! OnTilt, get your net ready, we may need to tangle up pets.
: Aye!

The Turtles wait for the Hexen to come for their due. They do not disappoint.


: Direwolves. Great.
: Organize the line, Boontaker. OnTilt and I have witches to crush. Eyestabber, Nemesis, with me.
: Yes, sir. Hauberk, 1998, Irenaeus, get up on that cliff and make it rain! The shield line will advance in skirmish order. Fodder, you're with me.
: Aye!

Hexen with direwolves are especially dangerous because the direwolves can hamper a fast charge for the Hexen (one of the best ways to deal with them). This fight opens in exactly that way, with the direwolves charging directly into melee from across the map. Luckily, even though Eyestabber gets a direwolf in his face, the other three bruisers are still free. Meanwhile Cogemeister and Gerey have another, one stays behind to guard the Hexen, and one charges north, doubtless attempting to flank. Hopefully are ranged bros will be able to deal with that, but Whiteshark is close by if needed.

The Hexen immediately starts ******* with my plans:

: She's MINE!

Irenaeus and Boontaker immediately go to work on the wolves. Hauberk takes position and risks a long shot on the Hexen herself, but misses. Nevertheless the vantage point gives us a much better view of the field. It's not just one wolf charging the cliff, it's two, with a third possibly on the way. The Hexen also kept two wolves back as guards:


Irenaeus hits one of his javelin throws as well, bringing the direwolf on Gerey down to half health. Down south, OnTilt attempts to stun Nemesis but misses both swings. Ominously, Nemesis uses his turn to pull out his greatsword.
: MINE!
: ****. Eyestabber!

This is one of the reasons I had everyone pull out their clubs. The weapon swap gave us a breather before any charmed heavy hitters start laying waste to our lines. Both Kalarion and Eyestabber will have a chance to stun Nemesis, with the added bonus that a second stun won't be needed. Gerey switches to his sword and lands a hit, decimating the wolf's HP and dropping him to Breaking. Eyestabber misses both stun attempts. Whiteshark switches to his axe as well, moving forward to support Gerey. The move drops the direwolf to Fleeing! Whiteshark, the flames of perdition burning in his eyes, begins advancing on the Hexen.

Fodder swings on the fleeing direwolf, killing it. He uses his berserk charge to attack the direwolf on Eyestabber, landing a crushing headshot that drops it to one quarter its HP.

: Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep...!

Kalarion lands his final stun attempt. Thankfully the stun goes through. Nemesis is completely neutralized! Next turn he'll come out of his stun and charm at the same time. The Hexen, now worried by Hauberk, brings the third direwolf to heel, creating a full shield. The next round opens with all three shield wolves charging our lines! They rush for Kalarion and Nemesis. I'm gobsmacked. The Hexen is now completely open to ranged attacks.

Boontaker takes a shot at Eyestabber's direwolf but misses. The Hexen attempts to charm Eyestabber but fails!
: Dried up old ****. I've been ******* my way across this land for months, you think you have anything to offer me?

The Hexen spends her second action to hex Kalarion!

: HOW DARE YOU!
: <giggling> Blood of kings! You'll make a wonderful pet!

Hauberk, in position with a clear shot, takes aim.
: Hauberk, stop! Kalarion will-!
: Take the shot.
: I need word quickly here!
: Have you lost your mind sir?! You'll-!
: TAKE THE SHOT!

Hauberk takes the shot:


: EEEEEEEEEAAAAARGH!
Blood explodes from Kalarion's armor and drips from his eyes.

: I would die before allowing you to dictate the manner of your death. One way or another, our hands will be around your throat, ***** of the wilds!
: Sweet Anselm...

1998, undeterred, fires off his javelins at Eyestabber's direwolf, finally bringing it down. The way is now completely open to the Hexen. Irenaeus starts moving onto the hilltop and lands a solid hit on one of the northern direwolves. Gerey, now freed up, moves north as well to stand guard against the direwolves. Whiteshark charges forward, ending within striking distance of the Hexen. Cogemeister follow suit. Nemesis comes out of charm and stun. OnTilt, attempting to maintain freedom of action in the south, throws his net at one of the charging direwolves and switches back to his greatmace. Fodder moves forward and slams Nemesis' direwolf, causing significant damage.

: I could use my sword, but why? I'd rather pound you to a bloody mess.

Kalarion pulls out his greatsword to close the round out.



The next round opens with a lot of frustration, as the two direwolves, now seen to be Frenzied (meaning they can overwhelm), tie up the entire southern section and hamper their ability to counterattack. Meanwhile, in the north, one of the charging direwolves is frantically pulled south to protect the now extremely vulnerable Hexen. The Hexen herself, recognizing the futility of threatening Kalarion, switches her hex to Boontaker instead.

Hauberk now starts taking aim at the wolves, driving a bolt into the leg of one of the northern direwolves. Nemesis, now out of charm, takes the opportunity to smash one of the frenzied direwolves, bringing it to less than 10 HP! 1998 throws off the last of his first sheaf of javelins at Eyestabber's direwolf, landing a shot that destroys its armor. Irenaeus drills Hauberk's target, bringing it to sub-10 as well!

Whiteshark, now able to close with the Hexen, is faced with a dilemna: any attack on the Hexen will hurt Boontaker as well. He pulls his club back out and steps up to melee with both the Hexen and her guardian direwolf, flipping the dilemna on its head. Now the Hexen is faced with the choice of maintaining a hex or attempting to charm Whiteshark to keep him from stunning the **** out of her next round (which will cause only light HP damage to Boontaker). Cogemeister moves opposite Whiteshark, bringing the dilemna to a sharp point.

OnTilt moves slightly south and smashes the lone free direwolf:

: Not so free now

Fodder continues smiting, this time whacking Eyestabber's direwolf. Kalarion, slightly blinded by the blood in his eyes, misses his swing. Eyestabber lands a stun, then, with a feral grin, pulls out his longsword.
: Changed my mind.

Round 4 opens with the usual cavalcade of direwolf attacks. The Hexen takes the least bad option on her turn, charming Whiteshark.
: You will burn for your-
: Command me, m'lady!

She maintains the hex on Boontaker. Boontaker misses again. Hauberk doesn't, killing the direwolf on Fodder. Nemesis moves forward to support Eyestabber, while 1998 switches sheafs and fires a shot at Eyestabber's direwolf, killing it. Whiteshark moves to flank Cogemeister for a stun but misses. Gerey charges forward to support Cogemeister and add urgency to the Hexen's decision-making. Cogemeister misses his first stun attempt... and can't try another! He's too low on stamina.

I may have cursed up a storm at the screen here

Things get worse, with Gerey tied up outside melee by the direwolf guard, whiffs on the remaining southern direwolf, and the Hexen charming Cogemeister!


Boontaker charges forward to lend his Resolve to the Turtles contending with the Hexen. Eyestabber again switches to his club, while Nemesis charges forward blade out. Whiteshark takes a couple ineffectual swings at Eyestabber and then drops charm. Cogemeister whips out his hammer! But with his low stamina and Whiteshark's phenomenal melee defense, he gets one whiff off and has to take a break. In the south, OnTilt finally finishes off his direwolf. He starts moving to the Hexen. Eyestabber steps forward to club the Hexen... but he's out of fatigue! Now Nemesis is blocked off from attacking her as well!

: Scrub
: ****!

Boontaker steps up behind Whiteshark and then pops Adrenaline Rush to take first stab at whatever target is available next round. The next round comes... and Boontaker whiffs again! All is not lost however, as the Hexen also attempts a second failed charm on Eyestabber!

: He must have the ancients' blood to resist my charms!
: Ancient wha? *****, you're just ugly. I can't wait to wipe you from my thoughts forever.

Crucially, the Hexen doesn't renew her hex! Irenaeus pincushions the direwolf guard, killing it and opening the way for a bro to crush the Hexen! Hauberk has a wide open shot, and makes a careful survey to ensure he won't be killing someone inadvertently.

The coast is clear.

: In... out... in...!

He drills her through the heart:


: Yay!

Loot:


Nice, 3 direwolf pelts! We can make another mantle. The payout clears disappearing children from Reinbruch. Reinhardt checks out the market:


: Kalarion, these prices are close, but I need more. They'll do for now, but prices must go further down.
: We should be able to manage that, but not right now.

Despite his dissatisfaction, Reinhardt still hoovers up all available trade goods, as well as every tool and all ammo. They're too cheap to pass up. Thus replenished, Kalarion checks out the Noble contract. It's for another major battle!


: Sold!

Nemesis levels:


He takes Footwork for his perk. The Turtles head for Sir Egidius' war camp:


We report to Egidius without incident. He immediately dispatches the Turtles to secure a food supply. As the Turtles head east, they make some discoveries:


: I know the last camp wasn't much to write home about sir, but these appear to be properly organized. Someone's calling shots.
: Hmmmm. I wouldn't want to refuse their hospitality. Let's pay them a visit.
: Aye!



As we can see, the bandits have a good setup and immediately start raining shots on us. Thankfully they're not able to do much to us, although one shot does give 1998 a pierced side. We take our usual cautious approach to an enemy with lots of ranged, waiting patiently on the shield line to advance. The southern heavy hitters advance as a block, with Kalarion taking the lead. Hauberk moves north to attempt flanking shots in later rounds.

Round 2 is more positioning and cautious movement forward, with the bandits continuing to pelt ineffectually at the Turtles. The shield line charges up the hill, locking the Raider line at the top and opening the way for our backline to advance as well. Meanwhile, the heavy hitters complete their charge as well, prepping for full engagemen of the Raider line in the south.

I wanted Boontaker at the top of the hill but unfortunately his lack of Pathfinder is making itself felt. He can't handle multiple elevation changes, and so has to be content with standing at the cliff edge and providing moral support.
: I'll just sit here safe then

An axe Raider manages to headshot Whiteshark but it does absolutely piddling damage. Whiteshark doesn't even bother commenting. Fodder closes out the round by advancing behind Whiteshark. He's now in a cozy position to start raining blows on bandits.



Round 3 opens with the Raiders taking as many shots as possible before the Turtles get their revenge. Most of it is whiffs, but one javelin does land a nasty shot on Boontaker that pierces his hand and does significant HP damage.
: Apparently I am not safe here. WHITESHARK! HELP!

1998 lands two long shots on the approaching mallet Raider, nearly destroying his armor and bringing him to half HP. Hauberk continues circling around to get clear shots from the north. Irenaeus continues pelting the mallet Raider, landing both attacks and bringing the Raider to a quarter HP. OnTilt charges to engage the Leader, confident in his ability to withstand several hits before having problems. Boontaker withdraws from the fight. Nemesis and Eyestabber both move forward. Kalarion will follow shortly. Whiteshark dismantles the shield of the sword-and-board Raider threatening Fodder. Should be easy pickings now. Fodder takes a swing at the (former) sword-and-board Raider but misses this round.

Gerey and Cogemeister close out the round with a pair of hits that deal significant armor damage. In Cogemeister's case he's unable to follow up on his attack due to fatigue issues.

The bandits open round 4 with a spate of missed missile strikes from the Marksmen. The Raiders follow suit, swinging ineffectually. The Leader immediately turtles up and then tries a spear thrust, missing OnTilt. 1998 opens up a clinic for the Marksmen, landing his 3rd and 4th shot in a row, killing the mallet Raider! OnTilt keeps the train rolling with a smashing blow against an axe Raider that rushed up to support the Leader, destroying armor, dropping the Raider to 20% HP and cracking his ribs!

Nemesis moves to surround the same Raider. He accomplishes this via a maneuver I will be using quite a bit from now on. First, he moves into the Raider's ZOC:


: Oh, hello there! Don't mind me, just passing through.



Just the movement is enough to drop the Raider to Breaking! Hauberk charges up the hill from the north, finally in position to open fire next round. Fodder misses another shot. Kalarion crushes the southern sword-and-board Raider, nearly one-shotting him. Whiteshark, his shield destruction duties complete, casually headshots the Raider that's been giving Fodder so much trouble, nearly killing him as well! Cogemeister once again lands a headshot, and once again can't swing a second time



Although things look grim for the bandits, they do manage to rally a bit. The southern Marksman lands a headshot on Kalarion that nicks his neck, followed by the mace Raider stunning Eyestabber and then smashing his massive armor to smithereens! OnTilt yanks the initiative back to the Turtles with a killing blow on his target, followed by a swing on the Leader with his berserk charge. Irenaeus keeps the train rolling with a headshot that instagibs the bow Marksman! The southern sword-and-board Raider swings twice on Kalarion and misses both. The Leader copies his actions from last round. He does hit OnTilt but... it's a spear.

1998 starts moving forward now that he has a lack of targets from his position. Hauberk lets fly with his first shot of the fight, slamming a bolt into the kidney of the crossbow Marksman! The Marksman drops straight to Breaking. Nemesis steps up to the Leader and foigns, killing Kalarion's target! It's too much for the Leader, who drops to Fleeing. At that point the fight is over. The Turtles mop up.

Loot is unremarkable. We get a bag of salt and some copper bars, making Reinhardt happy. We also get the Leader's spear, the top-tier single-handed spear. Kalarion levels up after the fight. He's hit the soft cap of level 11!


Bros can still get levels after 11, but will not receive any more perks, and their stat rolls are set to all be +1. For Kalarion I plan to focus on HP, melee skill and melee defense until they reach 80, 100+ and 40+, respectively. For his final two picks (recall that Student grants an extra perk at level 11), I take Steel Brow (I'm tired of headshots crushing my HP) and Killing Frenzy (jelly of Eyestabber).

The Turtles took a number of injuries, so Kalarion decides to take a rest before heading out to the farm where we're supposed to be requisitioning food.

[Boontaker]

My dice are getting dull

[Hauberk]

*Looks for trouble*

[CSM-101]

I'd like to join in once this picks up again when you have space in the roster:

CSM-101
Prefer a tank build/character
If you can, take him to the barber and make him look like 80s Schwarzenegger.

My character is obviously a Terminator sent back in time to kill medieval Sir Johnathan Connor or whatever the ****.

[Kalarion]

DOGS OF WEILBURG, cont.

► Play Session

The Turtles scout out their objective:


: Ventilator?
: Not much to report, sir. They're in the middle of harvest. Just a bunch of peasants.
: The barracks?
: Look empty. Probably out harassing Salzfels or something. At any rate I didn't see any local patrols.
: Interesting. Boontaker?
: Seems simple to me, sir. Let's go give Grubenfeste a taste of its own medicine.
: It's never simple. But we do have the job to do. Doc?
: Several injuries, all minor.
: Enough to affect our effectiveness in the field?
: Without doubt.
: Whiteshark?
: Our equipment is in good repair, my captain. Only Eyestabber's armor still requires attention.
: Very well. We'll encamp for one more full day, then move out. Boontaker, get the men ready.
: Aye, sir.

I was surprised that this farm was my objective. I don't recall ever being ordered to requisition food from enemy peasants. Eyestabber's armor is indeed in terrible shape, so the Turtles do some repairs while the surgeon tends to their remaining wounds. During the rest:
: Found some good ****, sir!
: Good ****...?
: Yeah! You know how zerkers go bonkers in the middle of a fight? This is what does it!
: I thought they were just always angry. Huh.
: Wanna try it?
: Don't be ridiculous, of course-
: Sure.
: What?! Wait, no stop-!

Too late:

: Not really feeling it, not gonna lie. I thought this was BUGS!
: Sir?
: What? I was just saying OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN LIED TO.
: ...my captain?
: I didn't say anything I was just IN DARKNESS. ORPHAN.

Kalarion drops stone cold to the ground.

: Eyestabber.
: What?! They looked the same.
: ...I blame myself.
: As is PROPER, sir! Still an unpredictable ne'er-do-well after all this time.
: Oh, shut up, Warden. Let's get moving.

The Turtles arrive to collect the harvest:


: A-AMBUSH!
: Sheisse.
: What the ****!
: We're going to be talking after this, Ventilator.



It looks like a combination of peasants in front and well-armed mercenaries coming up behind. Not pictured: a pair of merc archers to the north. Normally being outnumbered wouldn't be too big a concern. However in this case we're surrounded, and about half our enemies have good stats and excellent gear. This is trouble.

: They've signed their death warrant. Turtles! No mercy.
: Aye!
: And we're right next to the village?! Ohhhhhh YESSS!
: Rape?!
: Rape!

: Peasants get the javelin first.
1998 is as good as his word, Rotating Gerey into the peasant that's keeping him from firing and then immediately following up with a javelin to the chest of the peasant near the mercenary. Boontaker tries to finish the peasant off but misses. He pops Adrenaline Rush to be ready for the next round. Hauberk moves behind Boontaker and fires off a bolt that smashes through the shoulder of the peasant in melee with Boontaker. Irenaeus bides his time, trusting that another Turtle will take care of the peasant currently keeping him from firing off javelins. OnTilt charges back to the line, coming up next to Boontaker and prepping to lay waste to the peasant mob next round.

Nemesis follows suit, chad-moving through the peasants to place himself in position for next round as well. Gerey finally starts the kill-train rolling with a casual dismemberment of the well-dressed peasant to the north! He uses his berserk charge to get in front of 1998, freeing 1998 to continue pelting peasants with pellets ( ). Eyestabber charges forward to stand next to Gerey. Fodder kills Boontaker's opponent and then moves behind Eyestabber. Cogemeister moves between Irenaeus and Nemesis and smashes the peasant hampering Irenaeus. The peasant isn't dead but another hit will finish him, good enough for now. Kalarion dispatches the wardog sent to hold him in place, then uses his berserk charge to move south, preparing to intercept straggling mercenaries who will arrive next round.

By the end of the round, the Turtles have once again formed the semblance of a line of battle, and are well on their way to demolishing the right side of the ambush. I think of it in terms of charging through the line of an ambush in order to break out of the kill zone. Irenaeus, impatient with the peasant, chad-moves south so he can plant a javelin in his chest as revenge. The peasant drops, and Irenaeus reclaims his position.



Things look significantly better with the start of round 2. 4 peasants have been slaughtered and the Turtles are basically facing correctly, with the shields and heavy hitters facing the enemy. Boontaker takes a deep breath, and:


: FINALLY!
: FINALLY!
: Hey!

The first half of the round consists of the lagging mercenaries charging forward to melee with the line. The peasants are close enough to continue hampering us, but we're now in position to start really crushing them. Hauberk opens up the Turtles' retort with another bolt to the shoulder of one of the approaching peasants, dropping him straight to Breaking. Then, one of the mercenary pikemen moves forward and headshots Nemesis! His helmet barely holds, but his ear got ripped and he's down to half HP. We'll have to move quickly for him.

OnTilt does just that, smashing the peasant in front of Boontaker with a one-shot! He uses his berserk charge to get in front of Boontaker. Nemesis tries a foign, but:


: Are you ******** me!
: HAH!

: 'Tis a pity. But they rose against us, and they knew the possible consequences. To work.
Whiteshark is as good as his word, scything down the peasant that Hauberk shot. He's facing off against two mercenaries, one of which has a pike. He's counting on his sky-high melee defense to pull him through.

Incredibly, the other peasant manages to pull off a headshot on a 5% hit chance on Whiteshark! It does barely any damage, but it's a sobering reminder that RNG is indeed RNG. We'd be singing a very different tune if, say, an axeman had done that.

1998 slings a pair of javelins at the right-side pike Mercenary, landing one for negligible damage. Meanwhile, Irenaeus merrily goes to work, one-shotting another peasant and causing a morale drop cascade amongst the remainders! The Mercenaries are holding strong (mercs have considerably high resolve), but every death chips at their morale a little more. Gerey continues the kill streak with another peasant slaying. The right side of the fight is now basically down to two mercs. Gerey takes the opportunity to Recover, getting back most of his fatigue.

Eyestabber steps forward and risks a single-target attack against the flail Mercenary, missing. Fodder doesn't miss, however, slaying the northern (and final) wardog, using his berserk charge to headshot the northern Merc, and then moving behind Eyestabber!

: All in a day's work

Cogemeister charges the right-side pike Mercenary, getting into melee with him and hoping to present a dilemna for future targeting of Nemesis. Kalarion moves left in front of the sword-and-board Mercenary, to support Whiteshark and keep Irenaeus free to continue firing javelins. There are three archer Mercenaries, but all of them have been useless so far. They continue to be so.

The next round opens with another whiff by Boontaker, followed by a whalloping headshot from Cogemeister's pike Mercenary. Right now Cogemeister is fine, but another like that is going to give him problems. Meanwhile, the ranged mercs finally make themselves felt, pelting the entire line with missiles, one of which pierces 1998's arm and others of which nearly destroy his armor!

With the hail of missile fire over, the Turtles regroup for the round. OnTilt leads off as the true battle is joined.
: Womp womp.


Irenaeus carefully plants a javelin in Kalarion's target, incredibly dropping him to Breaking!
: The melee fears the skirmisher

The peasant who headshotted Whiteshark has no such luck this round, whiffing comfortably. Meanwhile, Gerey notes the complete destruction of OnTilt's target's armor and takes advantage:


: STURM!

First blood to the Turtles! Gerey uses his berserk charge to charge in support of Cogemeister, dropping the right-side pike Mercenary to Breaking! The right side of the line has officially broken, allowing the Turtle line to pivot to a one-front fight. Cogemeister attempts to finish off the pikeman but misses both shots.

: I offer you a dignified retreat. You can see how this is going. My boys are going to win. Leave and fight another day.
Mercenary: The peasants hid the money contingent on their living. You just killed our paycheck. Looks like it's coming out of your hides, *******!
: Ahhhh, the determination to stay and be slaughtered. So sweet.
: Allow me to rebut.


Now that the merc is Fleeing, Kalarion steps forward to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Whiteshark. 1998 fires off a single javelin at the northern Mercenary that misses, then decides to move behind Gerey for safety.

: I need to whet my appetite.


: Don't worry mr. Mercenary, your sister's safe. I'll have all I can handle for awhile with these peasants' women. I do, however, need a new skull spitoon.


Eyestabber is so terrifying that he manages to drop morale from across the battlefield! Meanwhile, Whiteshark one-shots his antagonist. With that, the last of the peasants is gone. It's all mercenaries now. Fodder quickly moves behind Eyestabber and Gerey, putting distance between himself and the mercenaries in the north.

Did I say all the peasants were dead?

: Didn't you forget to ask someone?


NOW all the peasants are dead. Meanwhile, the remaining non-fleeing pike Mercenary steps forward and headshots Boontaker! He's not in serious trouble yet (our helmets are pretty quality at this point), but another hit like that may kill him. OnTilt immediately moves in front of Boontaker, locking the pikeman in place and prepping for next round. Hauberk fires a shot at the axe-throwing Mercenary but misses. He stays in place and reloads. Irenaeus casually plants a javelin through the sword-and-board Raider's hand. Kalarion finishes off the sword-and-board Mercenary and then uses his berserk charge to rush to melee with the southern archer.

Meanwhile the Turtles on the right are casually butchering the fleeing pike Mercenary. 1998 finishes the job with a final javelin. All eyes turn west.


Not pictured: the archers to the north beating feet from the fight.

: M-mercbros... you're not doing so good...

Kalarion's prey whips out a ****** axe and swings ineffectually. Both the free remaining melee mercs immediately follow the archers. It's just the Turtles and mr. Pikeman now.

Everyone knows what that means

OnTilt opens the festivities with a Knock Out that stuns the pike Mercenary for the next 2(!) rounds. Fodder switches to his club and charges forward to be ready next round. Kalarion smashes the archer. It's not quite a kill but 1998 is able to follow up with a javelin to clinch it. Kalarion is now free to charge north next round. The rest of the round is the bros calmly moving into position while the remaining mercs on the field continue fleeing. Cogemeister pulls out his knife and starts shivving. The merc drops to Breaking. Then OnTilt gets in on it. That's too much.



: I told you you were going to lose. Now you're going to lose hard.
Mercenary: AAAAAAIEEEEEEE

Eyestabber and Irenaeus leave the piker to his fate and head into the village.

: Gonna collect our dues.
: Give them what's coming to them.
: Make sure you grab the supplies.
: Aye.
: Sir!
: I said they signed their own warrant with this ambush. Let them remember the consequence of resisting us.
: Once, you would never-!
: Indeed. Once I was something else. Some one else, as were you, Warden. Not today.
: ...

It's over. Loot:


**** YEAH! Two bangin' helmets, another sellsword's armor, a 3-headed flail, and a bunch of vendor fodder! We're cooking now bros!

The Turtles finish cleaning the loot from the dead and then rendezvous with Eyestabber and Irenaeus.


We'll head back to the camp shortly, but first, we're at our absolute limit on loot, as well as being short on food and badly in need of repairs and healing. Kalarion orders the Turtles back to Salzfels. The war can wait a day or two. We pick up some salt for cheap, as well as repair tools and some food. Then it's on to Riedland to sell off some loot. And of course, a visit to the Temple.


: Yay!

Now, at last, we see what a good jew merchant can do for us:


:
:
:

After the market, it's time to head to the Taxidermist to make use of all those direwolf pelts.


: OnTilt!
: Sir?
: You've been lolly-gagging in that chainmail coat long enough. Time to wear some serious armor like a real man.
: ...I see.
: Helmet too. Here you go. Nemesis!
: Sir.
: Take OnTilt's old helmet. Time to start looking for some manly armor for you too.
: Quite.

OnTilt also gets the new mantle:



: You get an upgrade! And you get an upgrade! UPGRADES!


We're starting to shape up, bros Outfitting completed, we take care of Cogemeister's levelup:


He takes Brawny as his perk, freeing up some much-needed fatigue. He still has a long way to go though. The boys get a night on the town before it's time to head back out to the camp:

: Yay!

The next morning, the Turtles head back to see Sir Egidius. When we came to Riedland we were barely topping 12,000 crowns. Now we have over 19,000. Quite a haul, and we haven't even been paid for the battle yet!

A couple hours outside the camp:


: Ventilator, didn't you say that place wasn't too well put-together?
: Aye sir. Some marauders, they've got some earthworks but no leadership and no organization to speak of that I remember.
: It's an eyesore and I don't like how close it is to the fight we're about to have. Boontaker! Get the men ready, we're going to do some housecleaning.
: Yes, sir.

It's an unremarkable slaughter with unremarkable loot. We take what valuables we can find and move on to the camp. Sir Egidius doesn't have anything else for us today, so the Turtles make camp and await further orders.

The orders turn out to be remarkably similar (again) to the previous major battle contract:


We find the deserters fairly quickly:


The Turtles confront them. This time, Kalarion takes a slightly different tack:


: Boontaker. Order the men.
: Aye.

The Turtles draw weapons.

: This is your one chance. I suggest you all take it. Nemesis!
: Aye sir.


Deserter Leader: We're all going to die tomorrow because of you.
: No. You would have died today because of us. I'm very glad any of your deaths will be at someone else's hands tomorrow.

Nice. I wasn't really looking for a fight this time, so I'm glad it turned out the way it did. The Turtles head back to report their success and are told that tomorrow is the big day.

<<Final Countdown Music>>

Sir Egidius rouses the men prior to the battle:


: Kalarion!
: Sir Egidius?
: With me.

The two walk to Egidius' tent as the now-cheerful men busy themselves gearing up and getting ready to march to the field.

: The scouts' report. I received it this morning.

Kalarion reads over the report. Nothing to worry about, just your typical all-out brawling battle with mixed units that line up to pound the living **** out of each other:


: Sweet Anselm.
: Your acquisition of supplies from the enemy and, most importantly, returning those deserters to the fold will prove crucial to our success. I will remember your work on our behalf.
: ...
: Yes, yes, I know. You could have been a Thurah hound just as easily. Well, you weren't.
: I'll keep your words in mind, sir knight.
: Good. Now, your part in this fight will be just as crucial. I'm putting you in the center.
: The center?!
: Yes, I know, it's a little unorthodox. But I looked over your men last night. Let's not mince words: they're most of them better equipped and organized than anyone in my army, save perhaps my personal guard.
: I'll pass your compliments to my sergeant
: You see Thurah's order of battle. For the men nothing but hope and the expectation of victory. But you know it may be touch and go. I need a rock that we can rally around.
: It should be my men. But what with the dragging on of the war and the number of new recruits...
: Understood, sir knight.
: Good! I'll be on the north with my men. One of my sergeants will lead the southern flank. I look forward to seeing what the Turtles can do.
: Oh, you won't be disappointed, I can assure you of that.



This isn't actually as bad as some I've been in. We're pretty evenly matched in size, and the Turtles are very well equipped for a fight like this. Kalarion addresses the men:

: Time to get to work, boys! Boontaker, you've got the main line. I'm taking our bruisers on a little outing.
: Aye, sir. Whiteshark, Gerey, Cogemeister! I've got my eyes on you today! If you hold, we win. It's that simple.
: Aye!
: Irenaeus, Fodder, Hauberk, Ventilator... let's not make them hold long, shall we?
: Aye!
: Nemesis, Eyestabber, OnTilt, with me.
: Aye!

The battle opens as usual, with a couple potshots that hit a couple people that aren't Turtles. Then, one of the charging mercenaries makes the mistake of getting within range of our needlers:


: Eat tempered iron, ******

Hauberk shoots the wardog that crashed into the Weilburg lines in the face, nearly killing it. Irenaeus finishes the job, dropping the injured Mercenary to Breaking. A good start! Interestingly, the Weilburg line actually moves to form a line directly in front of us.
: Fools! Stand aside! We-
: Let them.
: Sergeant?
: If they want to take the first shocks, let them. Get ready to move.
: Aye.

: Hmmm. Slight change of plan. Eyestabber, go crater the southern flank.
: Look at all these puffed-up *******, thinking they've got the shiniest armor. Wrong! This is going to be fun!

Eyestabber immediately foigns the front of the line, smashing one of the rear pikemen in the arm. Cogemeister follows suit, moving next to Eyestabber and hammering the enemy hammer Footman, crushing his leg. Fodder moves smoothly into support, taking another shot at the same Footman. The House soldiers' armor is a lot higher quality than your average Raider, so this isn't affecting them too badly yet. But we're building momentum. Kalarion and OnTilt are for the moment hampered on the southern flank, but Boontaker does manage to land a third shot on the same Footman, causing a drop to Wavering. He pops Adrenaline Rush, hoping to capitalize on the damage done to the Footman next round.

The next round sees the battle line almost completely joined. We're in the grind now.


Boontaker isn't able to land his follow-up shot. He backs off slightly to avoid getting tangled in melee when the Thurah troops inevitably try to roll around the south of the central line. A Thurah Archer manages to land a headshot on the poor Weilburg pikeman near Fodder, doing significant damage and slicing open his cheek. The southern javelin Mercenary whips out a net and entangles Kalarion! Kalarion is not happy.

Irenaeus stays right where he's been, coolly landing a pair of just-as-planned shots on the hapless Footman who's been the constant target of our predations so far. Nemesis moves up to clear Kalarion's net but fails. He moves to flank the sword-and-board Footman, putting three of our bruisers on the same target. The next several fighters move into position to fully engage on the line and shield up, including Whiteshark. Gerey, revealing his cunning plan that cannot fail, rushes up behind OnTilt and Kalarion. Hauberk forgoes reloading this round in order to gain an advantageous position on high ground for the rest of the fight.

Unfortunately, one of the charging Weilburg soldiers (the one who got headshot early on) charged in front of Whiteshark. He was immediately crushed by a Thurah pikeman. First (non-wardog) blood to the enemy

OnTilt decides now is the perfect time to smash a face. He headshots the sword-and-board Footman, nearly killing him and giving him a concussion! A Weilburg pikeman steps forward to finish the job. Meanwhile up north, Whiteshark shieldwalls and then chad-walks forward, closing a potential gap in the line. He's now flanked on 3 sides, but he's counting on his defense to carry him through the fight.

In the center of the line, the Thurah bannerman has foolishly put himself in the front line. House soldiers do this often, counting on their Footmen to rotate them out. This one pays the price, taking two hammering blows that smash his hand and crush his thigh. His armor is thoroughly wrecked and he's at half HP. If we can drop the bannerman the fight will be a lot easier, as he bestows a hefty morale bonus to the Thurahs.
: Hyaaaaah!

Egidius abandons the plans from the morning and charges forward on the southern flank. The bruisers will be glad to have him (House Knights are very dangerous opponents). Kalarion rips off the nets and then moves to melee with the Mercenary who did it.
: We need to talk.

: Had enough of these little pissants. Nemesis!

Not pictured: the morale drops in the north.

: Got a long way to go, bucko

Eyestabber uses his berserk charge to move slightly south, threatening the Thurah Arbalester with repeated foigns. As the next round opens the Arbalester takes the hint, firing a parting shot before running north. The usual exchange of missile fire doesn't effect much, with Hauberk firing a high-hit chance shot at an Arbalester that misses. Gerey moves forward, confident that he can chad-walk on the sword Mercenary that Kalarion engaged... but he gets hit instead. Now he's forced Nemesis to take another round before attacking!

: Gerey?! What the **** are you doing down here?!
: Well, ich habe this Berserk skill, und...
:

: Check your paypal!

Nemesis decides to pull off the same trick he did before, moving next to his mark and then using Footwork to complete the flank within ZOC. More maneuvering on both sides ends with the second of the two Thurah Knights finally getting into melee range. This guy is a monster, with a full helm and a coat of scales. He's also carrying the highest-quality one-handed sword. We'll have to be wary of him. The footman lines grind away at each other. Finally, Fodder takes a low-chance shot at a now-helmetless sword-and-board Footman...


: Lil' more than the tip

Cogemeister finishes the job. We've now killed 7 of the enemy, compared to their killing one of ours. Thurah is in trouble. Then:

: HEY! What the ****?! Have you lost your mind?!
: Check your paypal!
:

This is why fighting close to House troops can be annoying. In this case it won't hurt us much (in fact that pikeman will soak up shots, so that's nice). But sometimes they'll really **** up plans with moves like that.

Up north, Whiteshark decides to save his limited fatigue for shieldwalls. He turtles up and awaits the incoming hail of blows. Down south, Kalarion gets his chance at revenge... and misses on a 95% chance!
: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!

Sir Erland has entered the chat:


: Break and flee, dogs.
: Kalarion!
: OnTilt, Eyestabber, bring this ******* to heel.
: Aye!

Eyestabber, perhaps a little overeager, whips out his knife. OnTilt attempts a stun but misses.


This round the missile fire exchange actually goes well, with one of the Weilburg Arbalesters in the center murdering a Thurah Arbalester! Hauberk gets off a just-as-planned on the flail Mercenary in melee with Whiteshark, dropping him to Fleeing! Then a Weilburg footman manages to kill Whiteshark's southern antagonist. Things are looking up!

1998 manages to land a shot on a far-backline (to him) pikeman. It doesn't affect the pikeman's effectiveness but it brings him a little closer to death. Gerey decides to make some lemonade.
: STURM UND DRANG!
: Not bad.

In the center, a Thurah polehammer manages to one-shot one of our Arbalesters! Undeterred, the northern Weilburg pikeman steps in to fill the line over the Arbalester's corpse. Down south, Boontaker misses a shot and moves slightly north to give his resolve bonus to the full center line. One of Sir Erland's two supporting pikes kills the badly beaten Weilburg Footman standing next to Eyestabber, leaving him exposed to flank attacks. Nemesis finally gets some action, smashing the southern Mercenary's armor to bits and inflicting a gut wound.
: Enough fooling with this churl. Kalarion, take care of Erland. I'm going to slaughter some backline.


: Aye.
OnTilt tries for another stun but misses again. He's only got a 30% chance even with all the flanking we're doing (have I mentioned how badass House Knights are?). Meanwhile the threatened flanking of Eyestabber happens. He's in big trouble if we can't do something fast, especially since he doesn't have his sword out. There is some good news in the north, where the farthest north Weilburg Footman manages to drop the northernmost Mercenary to Fleeing with hammerblow. The enemy mercenaries are now completely neutralized.

Eyestabber, finally recognizing the bind he's in, pulls out his sword. Unfortunately that's all he'll be doing this round. Whiteshark attempts to press the northern advantage with a pair of swings at one of the fleeing mercs. He misses both. Sir Erland starts going to work on Eyestabber, destroying his armor completely. Eyestabber's a big boy so even without armor it will take a bit to kill him, but this is bad.

Round 5 opens with a Thurah Arbalester headshotting a Weilburg Arbalester. Luckily Irenaeus quickly returns the favor, absolutely demolishing the polehammer Weilburg who killed the Footman last round. He lands a pair of shots that drop him to Fleeing! Hauberk lands a clutch shot on the northern pikeman, piercing his hand through the shields in front of him. 1998 finishes the job. One of the pikemen continues working Eyestabber, landing a whalloping shot that takes half his HP! If it was anyone else that would have been a kill.

: Ungh... not... finished...

But the Thurah Footman next to Erland has other ideas.


: DAMMIT! Eyestabber!
: Nnnnguh... m'fine... I'll just...
Eyestabber passes out.

It's a good thing we picked the surgeon as our first follower. He's saved so many bros' bacons at this point it's not even funny. Hopefully Eyestabber won't have a crippling injury from this.

: **** this.


Note that with a headshot, OnTilt barely deals 25% of Erland's HP. Did I mention how badass Knights are? Nevertheless, that daze will be very helpful, keeping a lid on Erland's ability to damage us. Kalarion tries to follow up with a shivving but misses both shots. Cogemeister doesn't, though. Erland, dazed and woozy, lands a shot on Nemesis but barely scratches his helmet. The north closes the round out with the death of the Mercenary.



Irenaeus, eager to get south, takes a risk by moving directly behind the shield line. He lands a solid shot on a Thurah pikeman but he's now at risk of being hit himself. Luckily both pikemen are at Breaking. Hauberk pulls off yet another shot through the Thurah shields, landing a bolt in the northern pikeman's shoulder and dropping him to less than 10 HP! The final Weilburg Arbalester moves up to support Irenaeus, planting a bolt in the chest of the same pikeman. He drops to Fleeing! The Thurah line is crumbling rapidly at this point:


The Weilburg Footman next to Whiteshark capitalizes on the situation with a killing shot on the fleeing pikeman, killing him and dropping the other pikeman to Fleeing as well! Fodder drops the Footman next to Cogemeister to less than 10 HP on a shot with a 30% hit chance. The amount of clutch hits this guy has pumped out over his life is pretty incredible.

With Erland almost completely surrounded, OnTilt finally manages to land a stun! Boontaker, finally galvanized by the Footmen in melee with him, lands a point-blank shot, miraculously dropping the Footman to Breaking! Egidius kills yet another Footman, using his berserk charge to move north and threaten the Thurah Arbalester line, continuing the string of exclamation points!

Several additional Thurah Footmen are killed in succession. At this point, only Erland, a pikeman and the sword-and-board Footman that struck down Eyestabber are still fighting. The two Arbalesters next to Egidius close out the round by obligingly trying to flee, effectively killing themselves.

Hauberk opens round 7 with another attempt at hitting the pikeman in the north. This time his shot flies wide and hits one of the Weilburg Footmen.
: But who cares? Not me

One by one the remaining fleeing Thurah troops are mowed down. By the middle of the round the field is a charnel-house:


By round close and the opening of round 8, only Erland and his loyal Footman remain. Note that, despite being surrounded, Nemesis for instance only has a 20% shiv chance. Boontaker, who came in to participate in the stabbing party, quickly regrets his decision:


Note Boontaker's Nine Lives triggering. Luckily, Kalarion still has a decent shiv chance and lands a shot. Erland is below 20% HP but his morale remains stubbornly high. On the good side, a Weilburg pikeman finally manages to kill Erland's retainer. A string of misses has me a little worried about Boontaker, but Fodder takes care of it with a quick Rotation, taking Boontaker's place.

Kalarion finishes the murder of Erland. It's over.


: How's he look, doc?
: I couldn't save the nose. Nevertheless, he should be fit to fight in a few days. Remarkably resilient.
: 'By schnozz!
: <sniffles> Ever ze bridegroom, never ze bride...



YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That's some of the best non-famed armor in the game!


And the polehammer might be good on a bro down the line. Very nice! After the battle, Egidius walks up to Kalarion.
: Anselm's teeth, you've got a group of wildcats under your command.
: <smiling> Turtles.
: Well, whatever they are, their work is appreciated here. I hope your man will recover?
: He'll be fine. He enjoys scaring the **** out of people, I suspect he'll grow to enjoy the effect his face will have.
: Well done, captain. I wish you'd been a Weilburg retainer. Nevertheless, know that you have one ally, at least, in our House.
: I'll keep that in mind. Farewell, sir knight.



Weary and bedraggled, the Turtles drag feet back to Reinbruch for their pay. Kalarion takes the Coat of Scales for himself, along with OnTilt's helmet. OnTilt gets Kalarion's old helmet. With these changes, Kalarion is effectively transformed into a super-Zweihander:

: Ein Panzer, vielleicht
: ...what?

Eyestabber, still (for now) fuming over his lost nose, gets Kalarion's old armor. Nemesis takes Eyestabber's old suit. The 2-handed cohort is now officially fully kitted out for the endgame. Eyestabber and Nemesis both still need Battle-forged, but their equipment is basically complete. The only other thing we really want on them is a pair of greatswords. We'll need to come up with a name for them.

The Turtles limp into Reinbruch:


Unfortunately the town is currently suffering from Missing Villagers and the town quest won't be able to clear it:


It's an exploration contract.

But for some reason (boredom, micro-stroke, full-on aneurysm, I don't know), I make a grievous mistake. I take the mission:


<record scratch>

I want you guys to understand how ******* ******** I was. As I was watching the replay for this session update, I was talking to my past self. I was begging me not to take this mission, even though as it popped up on the screen I remembered (with a sinking heart) that I had. I unfortunately failed to listen to myself. After watching myself accept the mission, I started fast forwarding, thinking maniacally that I could just get past this disgusting episode and erase it from existence. I started skimming to see how long I'd have to go before getting to good stuff:



Seven minutes of aimless wandering, no pay, no missions, faction dropping like a rock over time. But Kal, you say to me, who cares about actual time spent? All that matters is how many days in-game you spent traipsing uselessly about the wilderness while getting no-



FIVE DAYS. Do you guys know how much faction I lost?! No you don't, and I'm not telling. I seriously considered not even writing up a summary. I nearly lied to you all, dear readers.

I make no excuse.

Thankfully I got ahold of myself and decided to play it straight.

Back to the LP.

Kalarion decides the men need a break from killing and raping.
: Excuse me?!
: Oh shut up. You're all getting fat anyways, the exercise and lack of regular diet will do you a world of good.
: I beg your pardon!
: Yes, you too.
: How dare you!
: Yep.
: Of course we javelinbros are-
: Fatties.
: Captain, this will waste valuable-
: PORKY.
: Well I never!
: He's right though, sir.
: WHALE!
: ...what's that?
: Outrageous!
: Besides which, I'll be marching you for now. Boontaker's badly enough hurt that I won't risk him in a fight.
: ...oh.

That taken care of, the Turtles set out to find the Last Rest of the Forgotten, found in the Swellpike Heights:


Reasonably concluding that we should go northeast, the Turtles move towards the northeast. Along the road:


: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!

Boontaker is put in the reserves with Eyestabber, as I should have done immediately. The end of day 1 sees us far to the northeast:


: Hauberk, how's the supply situation?
: Not good. All these FATTIES you see, they keep EATING FOOD.
: Well why didn't we restock back in Reinbruch before we set out?!
: Y-you told us you didn't want to "waste money on greedy ******* just trying to screw us over because their 'people are hiding out somewhere or something'", sir! T-that's a quote, sir!
: ...who the **** put that idea into my head?!
:
:
: Well why didn't Boontaker stop me?
: HE'S SICK!
: ****. Alright, we'll have to head to Riedland. How far away is it?
: Gonna take us at least a day to get over there, buy supplies and then come back here to pick up the trail again.
: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!

The Turtles are visited in the middle of the night:

: NO!

With the coming of dawn, we pack up and start heading towards Riedland. Kalarion orders a forced march through the night to save time. Boontaker is still badly hurt, but his infected wound and slashed cheek are both healed. Eyestabber is fully recovered. Kalarion orders both back into the line. Just outside Riedland we receive another visitation:


: New drinking game! Pop a shot every time some random hobo shows up to interrupt our search!
: Yay!

We arrive on the outskirts of town just as dawn is peaking over the horizon:


The Turtles restock on food and repair supplies in town, then immediately march back to where we started the day. As we prepare to strike camp for day 3:

: NO!
: Yay!
: **** this! Ventilator, what did I hire you for?!
: To scout, sir. Which is slightly different from finding some shithole out in the middle of nowhere based off some fatass Mayor telling us, "go northeast!".
:
: Fine. Night march, we're going further east. If we can't find it by afternoon tomorrow we're heading back closer to town, there's no way it's so far away.
: <groan>

As we fruitlessly search the plains to the far east:


: <hic> yay!

By evening Kalarion is in the depths of despair.
: I'm in the DEPTHS of DESPAIR!
: Enough of this. Boontaker! Find us a good camping spot and we'll head back towards Reinbruch tomorrow.



As we're headed back to Reinbruch to admit defeat:

: <wobbling side to side> FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

Aaand:

:
: YAY!

Let's recap:

The Turtles head back to Reinbruch for their pay as Kalarion considers sudoku in the garden.

[boot]

I change my pick of character!

Rather than a ranged unit, make me a disowned noble duelist. Give me a buckler and sword until I get duelist perk. I trust you to build him up well and make right perk and stat selection. One of these suckas is gonna bite the bullet eventually!

[Hauberk]

Join the Turtles they said! See the world they said!

[Eyestabber]

****, this update had me on the edge of my seat. Luckily "lost nose" is one of the most inconsequential debuffs in the game. Broken shoulder/knee would've been a GG for a frontliner.

[DemoGraph]

@Kalarion y no updatan? Crack must flow!

[Kalarion]

Sorry guys, I got back from vacation two days ago. I also ran out of material for my next update.

Back to work!

Edit - to be clear, I meant that I thought I had enough recorded play for a full new update, but I didn't. I need to play more. That's what I meant by back to work.

[Kalarion]

Bunch of dings to take care of.

@boot (note that I accidentally did your entire first ding for you while taking Student, sorry about that):



@Nemesis:



@Hauberk:



@1998:



@Irenaeus:



@Gregz, FYI you're next and there's a spot open. I'm holding it for you, it's just taking a long time to find a Wildman due to settlement problems (you'll see in the next update or two).

[Nemesis]

@Kalarion health -> attack -> melee defense

[Irenaeus]

@Kalarion resolve -> ranged attack -> ranged defense
Perk: Overwhelm

[Hauberk]

@Kalarion Health → Ranged → Initiative
Perk: Quick Hands (If you can keep an extra crossbow loaded and ready. If not, Rotation to get out of those close encounters).

[boot]

Melee, melee defense, health

Perk is dodge. Gonna be in light armor right?

@Kalarion

[1998]

@Kalarion
Resolve, Initiative, Fatigue
Duelist

[Kalarion]

We still need to decide on our next camp helper. Take a look at our options in the OP and then let me know your votes. Currently we have The Surgeon and The Merchant.

If I don't see any votes by the time I've posted my next update (next 1-2 days), I'll make a decision myself.

[boot]

I vote for the scout

[Irenaeus]

I vote for the scout

Ditto.

[Hauberk]

BE PREPARED

[Kalarion]

DOGS OF WEILBURG, cont.

► Play Session

The Turtles wobble their way into Reinbruch, smashed out of their gourds, for the measly pay coming their way. We arrive in the dead of night, so we camp to await daylight.

As dawn approaches:

: NO!
: YES!
: FINE!



There are some fun outcomes to this event depending on what backgrounds are in the party. We don't currently have any of them though.

With everyone's mood lifted, it's time to collect our pay. Reinhardt's sour mood is instantly transformed as he snoops out the market:


: Soon...

Currently there's a tracking contract on offer. Kalarion takes it without a second thought. The Turtles immediately set out after the thieves. We locate them a good distance west of town:


: Ventilator!
: Nothing serious, sir. They've got a couple marksmen but that's it.
: Are we sure? No warhounds waiting in the bushes?
: ...
: No... well-armed and trained mercs, perhaps?!
: ...
: Good! Let's go.


: ANYTHING ELSE SIR?!
: Got muh eye on you.

The composition having been confirmed, the Turtles proceed to curbstomp the Raiders. Nothing of value was lost (or gained by us). The Turtles troop back to Reinbruch for their pay. Reinhardt is anticipating a substantial trade goods profit at this point, with us having achieved Allied status with the town. Unfortunately:


:
: MAYOR!

The Turtles head back out on another tracking contract without a rest. This time it's for monsters! Or something:


Just in case it's hard to read, that's 22 (!!) webknechts.

: Webknechts, sir.
: Spiders?!
: Lots of webknechts.
: That's it. Call it off! We can come back later!
: Oh shut up, pussy.

4 more spidders immediately hatch and spawn at the start of the fight. This should be fun:

: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

The spiders having charged forward recklessly, the Turtles spend the first round cautiously slaughtering vulnerable targets. We manage to down 4.

The next round, we're instantly swarmed and surrounded.


Boontaker, spurred on by his heeby-jeebies, immediately headshots a spider:


: Die you eight-legged freaks DIE DIE DIE!

1998 follows up with the kill. Gerey kills another with two quick slashes. He uses his berserk charge to clear Whiteshark's webbing. Hauberk, in danger of getting surrounded himself, fires off a quick shot and then beats feet south behind Boontaker. Irenaeus fires off a pair of javelins, landing one but leaving himself exposed as well. Cogemeister immediately moves north to reduce the northern flank's vulnerable surface. Fodder wipes out another spidder in the south, helping to free the southern line to pivot if necessary. Whiteshark headshots the spider in front of him but misses his follow up. OnTilt smashes two spiders in succession with his berserk charge. The southern line is now almost entirely freed up, with only three spiders left alive... for now.

Eyestabber, in no position to dismember spiders for now, moves south and uses his turn to clear away Kalarion's webbing. Kalarion repays the favor with a prompt spidder beheading, then withdraws slightly to keep the line solid, anchored on the right by an obstacle and on the left by Eyestabber.



Despite the carpet of webknecht corpses, there are still 20 to go. This is a risk when facing more than a dozen or so... they spawn with enough eggs on the field that their numbers can basically outlast our ability to recover fatigue.

The beginning of the round goes essentially the same as round 1, highlighted by Whiteshark and Kalarion getting webbed AGAIN. Some spiders move to attempt an endrun around Nemesis, while one engages in melee to tangle him up.

: They're in for a nasty shock
: Ngh-... Boontaker, get over and clear these webs off so we can-
: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Boontaker continues going crazy, stepping behind Kalarion and skewering his target. Meanwhile he completely disregards the fact that two of our heavy hitters are tangled up in webs. Our pivot will apparently be slightly delayed

In the north, Hauberk now has the freedom to reload and calmly dispatch one of the spidders attempting the encirclement. 1998 kills another that was threatening Irenaeus. Irenaeus repays the favor with a quick killing of one of Whiteshark's attackers. Cogemeister steps forward to smash the other. He can't one-shot with a one-handed weapon, but he does manage to cripple it. Nemesis takes a swing at the spider that engaged him... and misses! He uses footwork to back off, baiting the spidders forward outside of attack range.


: P-part of the plan

Gerey brings a spider down to less than 5 HP but isn't able to kill it. OnTilt, hampered by webs, is unable to kill his target either (although he does maul it badly). Fodder misses his attack, while Whiteshark manages to land one of two. Eyestabber, bored by the south, cleans Kalarion's webbing and then heads towards Nemesis. Kalarion beheads his target, then cleans of OnTilt's webs.

The next round, the spiders take advantage of the split lines to fully encircle each group of bros. The situation looks deceptively dire, but the majority of the spiders had to expend all AP to get in the fight, so we've got a free round to mow down as many as possible before mass webbing starts. Boontaker starts the Turtles off well with a kill. 1998, unable to throw javelins due to a melee spidder, instead clears webbing from Cogemeister. OnTilt kills his target, then moves to flank the spiders in the north. Fodder kills one as well, then beheads another with his berserk charge! Gerey gets a kill as well, then uses his berserk charge to clear his own webs. Eyestabber swings... aaaaand misses. Nemesis has better luck, killing two more spidders with his attacks. Whiteshark, freed from immediate targets, clears his own webbing as well.

Hauberk and Irenaeus, having waited through their turns, confident in the Turtles killing their spiders, now close out the turn with a kill and a good shot.



This round is a straight slaughter of all the remaining spiders in our area. New spiders hatch, but they now immediately begin fleeing. It's over. We get a ton of silk strands and a couple poison glands as loot. The Turtles head back to Reinbruch for their pay, and:

: YESSSS!

Sure enough, Reinhardt scuttles over to the market:

:

We hoover up all trade goods and all repair tools and ammunition, then buy a couple more armor adornments. Shopping complete, we head off to Riedland to take the next step in winning the war for Weilburg.
: Any news in town, Reinhardt?
: Weilburg is optimistic. Thurah forces have been crushed in several major battles. Apparently your name has not gone unnoticed. The people know you were instrumental in two of them.




:

The Turtles return to Riedland and resupply. It's time to bring this war to a close. But first, we'll build some funds. We head to Salzfels:


The 1-star is a rebuilding mission for the nearby watchtower. Since watchtowers supply trained troops to defend their towns, Kalarion decides this is worth our time. Rebuilding missions are multi-step, similar to major battles and so forth. Each step has multiple possible outcomes. The first is pretty simple:


We head over to the ruins. The first wrinkle:


: Never liked squatters.
: Squatting is one thing. Occupying the post of the soldiers that protect this area is another altogether. Get them out. Take a whip to them if necessary.
: Aye, sir.

The squatters driven out, it's time to return for the next part of our assignment. The Turtles head back to Salzfels:


We escort the rebuilding team back to the tower with no incident, then return for our pay. It's a small payout, but the instant rebuilding of the watchtower is worth it on its own. The other contract is a delivery to Waidhof. Not what we're looking for right now. We return to Riedland:


The first contract is... an escort to Waidhof!
: Dammit!

Fine. We take the noble contract. It's another major battle, this time reporting to Sir Wenzel. We head to the war camp:


The Turtles are now looking like a proper group of juggernaut killers:


First assignment: food from the peasants.
: Shouldn't be a problem.

The Turtles move to the indicated wheat field:


Predictably at this point, the farmers demand more money. Unfortunately for them, Kalarion already paid off one mob of uppity farmers, and dealt with a paid ambush from another set. He's in no mood.
: The word must have gotten out that we're soft. You forget your place, farmer. You want us to take it by force?


: Boontaker. Form us up.
: ...
: Heheheheheheheheheh...
: Aye sir.
: Eyestabber.
: Heh- sir?
: We're getting the wheat. Teach the women and children of these walking corpses a lesson. Hopefully it won't need to be taught ever again.
: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

You may remember me having mentioned that I've taken this route before. Well, now you'll see what it looks like. This is the start of round 1:


And this is the end of round 2:


The slaughter complete, Kalarion takes his time making sure the necessary supplies are gathered and made ready for transport. Only after everything else is complete does he stroll into the nearby village.
: Eyestabber!

Eyestabber steps out of the hut he was in. Surprisingly, he's still fully clothed and most of his armor is still on.
: Sir?
: Time to go.
: They weren't much fun anyway. No fight in them.

The Turtles return to the camp. Once again we're sent to wrangle deserters. They're not far away:



: Take them all.
: Aye.


These deserters are well-equipped, but being stuck on the downslope of a hill against us is a tough situation for them. The Turtles dutifully take up position on the high ground and begin wailing on the deserters. The dog dies instantly to a crushing blow from Eyestabber. Gerey and Cogemeister begin picking apart the only deserter to make equal height with us. Fodder follows up with a smashing blow that nearly destroys his armor and crushes his legs. 1998 closes out the round with a pair of javelin throws that nearly kills another deserter.

The next round opens with a slew of whiffs from the Turtles. The deserter billman steps up and misses as well. The deserter pikeman manages to hit, doing significant but not dangerous damage to gerey's armor. OnTilt charges the rear of the deserter line. He gets caught up in melee but is only a single hex from the enemy arbalester. Eyestabber moves north for a foign, only hitting one deserter but dropping it to Fleeing. The round is closed out with the runner getting himself beheaded attempting to flee.



The arbalester opens with another miss. Hauberk and Boontaker follow suit, but the billman finally hits, and this time he destroys Gerey's armor and gashes his leg!

: Ungh!

This is dangerous. The pikeman has a chance of killing Gerey if he hits.

OnTilt immediately puts pressure on the rear, with a crushing blow on the deserter in melee with him. The deserter is dropped to 10% armor and HP, and his shoulder is pounded into pulp. The pikeman takes his shot at Gerey... and misses! Gerey takes the opportunity to pop shieldwall and rest. Kalarion and Nemesis both foign, nearly killing the deserter back line. Whiteshark goes to work on his target's kite shield. Eyestabber moves into position next to Kalarion, immediately dropping Kalarion's target to Breaking.

Boontaker opens round 4 with a move north to poke at Whiteshark's target, landing a solid hit.
: Finally!

The arbalester, now in melee, pulls out his dagger and tries to poke OnTilt but misses handily. Our back line does the same, all javelins and bolts missing, until...

: No scope

OnTilt swings on the Arbalester and misses! But Eyestabber is in position. He calmly lines up a foign, and:

: GRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!



A massive double foign beheading, followed by another kill with his berserk charge. Only two deserters remain... and one is now Fleeing. Cogemeister and Nemesis make short work of him. With that, the fight is over. Loot:


Nothing amazing, but the extra heavy helmets are appreciated and the rest will fetch a good price. The Turtles clean up. Kalarion finds one deserter still clinging to life. He walks over to finish the job.

: Ah. Thought it was a gut wound. I'm glad it wasn't. Boontaker! Get us ready to go.

The smaller scenes are some of the better examples of Sser's work on the game. I really wish Overhype had had the money (or desire) to hire a good editor for the script. A lot of great scenes are hurt by prose that just isn't well-constructed. Ah, well.

The Turtles need to return to camp, but Gerey was badly wounded in that fight and our armor suffered lots of damage. Kalarion decides to take them to Riedland for a visit to the Temple:

: Yay!

And to give some extra repair time before the final battle. That completed, we head back to camp. Along the way:


: Second time...
: E-everything OK, sir?
: Yes. Let's go.

Luckily a bag of grain doesn't hurt our food supplies too badly. We report to Wenzel, then bed down for the night. The next morning, battle is joined.
: Wait, now?! I thought we weren't going until noon!
: The sooner the better! Form up!
: Dammit! Boontaker, make sure Gerey gets pulled back, he's in no condition for a fight like this.
: I can fight, mein fuhrer!
: Aye, sir.





The first round opens with the merc squad immediately charging the lines. 1998 is ready.
: Got something for you, ******





There's some more charging on both sides, but the lines were still too far away for anyone to get attacks off unless they waited (which in a fight like this, the AI is not smart enough to do). The lines are drawn by the time our heavy hitters get to go:


OnTilt waits patiently for an indication of the best course of movement. Kalarion is thinking of a flank and all-hands assault on the south with the 2-handers. But Eyestabber can't help himself. He steps into the main line.
: Got a little catching up to do. Hey pussy, I know how much you like ****, have some steel up your ***!
: Dammit Eyestabber, wa-!


: ...well, at least he killed someone.
With the front line firmly established, the shieldbros move to fill in gaps while Boontaker and Fodder take up position for maximum poking. Fodder misses his first attack (not surprising, since footmen all have heater or kite shields). Kalarion decides to imitate Eyestabber, moving to join the main battle line. He lets off a vicious Swing that one-shots the southern doggo, and nearly destroys the southern mace Footman's armor. The dog kill triggers Killing Frenzy. This will be very helpful in the upcoming rounds. Gerey gets ready to move up.

: You heard the captain! Hold position and Turtle up!
: But sergeant-!
: Follow your orders, einsatztruppe!
: ...jawohl.

Boontaker meanwhile gets comfortable behind Sir Wenzel, then lines up a massive headshot! His target is dropped to half health and suffers a gashed neck. Hauberk, not to be outdone, lands a shot from down town on the northern Pikeman! The Pikeman is also brought to half HP as he takes a bolt in the guts. Irenaeus, not interested in wasting javelins on shielded footmen, moves slightly north and guns down the northern doggo. OnTilt and Nemesis close out the round, with Nemesis moving just south of the front line, in perfect position for repeated foigns, while OnTilt stays clear of melee engagement, wanting to circle the back and neutralize the formidable enemy back line.

With the opening of the second round the grind has truly begun:


Notably, the first round saw an immediate switch in numbers advantage, from 22 - 25 to 22 - 21. Things have started well! Most of the round's opening is boring swings and misses, distinguished only by a shot from the enemy Arbalester that hits Fodder. 1998 moves behind Sir Wenzel and fires a shot at Boontaker's target, landing another hit! But it's a headshot, meaning it has a lot of armor to go through... this round. Hauberk whiffs his shot, but he's safe and cozy and will be ready for another try next round. Wenzel, with his tier 3 axe, doesn't miss his

OnTilt, deciding for now that it's better to support the rest of the bruisers, moves to envelop the southern edge of the line. The enemy backline is formidable, but they'll be occupied trying to kill Wenzel's men for several turns at least. Interestingly, Whiteshark has been left out of the front line by the advancing noble troops.
: This cannot be borne. Charge!

He moves to the extreme edge of what is now a northern crescent, as our north side begins to collapse on to the enemy line:


Cogemeister fires off a pair of batters with his hammer. One hits, one-shotting his opponent's armor and injuring him, but not dealing significant HP damage yet. Down south, Nemesis starts to stabbin'. He misses Sir Lambert (the enemy knight), but does manage to headshot his melee target, dealing significant armor damage and dropping him to Wavering!

: Time to die, lickspittle.
Footman: Hah! You missed!
: Wasn't talking about you


: I'm saving you for later.
: You think that helmet will do anything to stop me?!


: GRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

****, I'd forgotten how powerful Killing Frenzy is on a two-hander! For reference, that Flat Top helm had about 120 durability left. Kalarion destroyed it and then beheaded! Kalarion uses the berserk charge to move up to Sir Lambert. Then he chad-walks one more hex, allowing Nemesis an opening for later in the round.



Round 3 opens with the merc crossbowman landing another shot on Fodder, this time piercing his shoulder. Boontaker tries to take out the footman that's been getting wailed on, but the enemy line is fully turtled up with shieldwalls. He misses on a sub-20% chance. 1998 closes out both kills (footman and pikeman) with a pair of javelins! Irenaeus tries to replicate up north, but isn't able to land a hit.

We find out the hard way that the enemy has their own Boontaker:


: N-not gonna make these guys break and run any time soon.

Hauberk steps forward and headshots one of the final frontline mercenaries, killing him! Whiteshark rushes the polehammer Footman that was lagging behind, ensuring he won't be able to attack anyone but Whiteshark.
: Ho, Boontaker! Your men seem to be doing all the work! I shall not fall behind!


Wenzel is as good as his word, double headshotting his target! The enemy front line is starting to buckle. But the enemy commander, Sir Lambert, isn't ready to give up just yet.
: Enemies on all sides? Well, I have plenty of targets


And Lambert is as good as his, demonstrating the power of the Noble Knight units. He stuns both Eyestabber and Kalarion! In most cases I wouldn't be too worried about this, but I really, REALLY want that armor and helmet, and Wenzel's troop has a hammer. If we can't shiv Lambert down quickly, the footman will end up destroying Lambert's armor, drastically reducing our chance to salvage it.

Fodder, still hurting from the last attack, nevertheless manages to smash Lambert's wingman, dealing major armor damage and a small chunk of HP. The footman fighting Lambert thankfully whiffs both attacks this round. Cogemeister steps forward into the gap created up north, and whacks the northern pikeman, crushing his elbow! Nemesis steps forward and foigns, but misses both targets.

Round 4 opens with the usual back line whiffs, until:


: FODDER!
: What the ****!
: Gerey! Check on Fodder!
: He's still breathing, mein sergeant.

That was unbelievable. 5 hexes away, through like 3 melee blockers, he hits, and manages to drop him?! Total ********.

Further ranged attacks miss as usual. The sergeant up north (the bald guy with a sash on) manages a headshot on the northern footman, while down south, Wenzel's bannerman lands a piercing blow on Lambert's footman. It destroys his armor and pins his hand to his side! 1998 manages to land another shot on the front line, but isn't able to kill or injure this round. Irenaeus steps forward, pounds a javelin through the pikeman's leg like a tent stake, and then smoothly steps back out of range of retaliation.
: I love my job

OnTilt calmly crushes the skull of the footman in melee with him. The man is alive but so badly debuffed that he's a non-actor at this point. Hauberk tries a long shot but misses. Wenzel casually dispatches last round's target:


Then steps forward, singing merrily to himself.
: I went to the playground! Where all the Thurahs play!


He then kills Lambert's wingman, and rotates with one of his footmen!
: What a ******* beast! Why can't you be more like him, sir?
: Oh shut up.

A spot has now opened up on Lambert to allow complete encirclement. We'll have to try to get one of our men to the spot in order to maximize shivving. Cogemeister finishes off the northern pikeman. Whiteshark begins chipping away at his polehammer opponent, landing a shot and then shieldwalling. Kalarion, freed for now from his stun, lets loose a Swing that kills both the footmen around him! He immediately switches to his dagger, a bloodthirsty gleam in his eye. Nemesis does the same.

Then Kalarion gets greedy.
: Gerey! How you feeling?
: Fresh as a daisy, fuhrer!
: Fill that spot, we need to make sure we get the kill on Lambert. Take down those shooters first, then come help us.
: JAWOHL!
: Forgetting something?
: NO!

Gerey moves forward but takes a detour, engaging one of the crossbowmen in melee. The hammer footman lands a headshot on Lambert! The helm is still over half durability, but Kalarion is now seething. Then, to top it off:
: You forgot someone


: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!



Despite being outnumbered almost 2-to-1 at this point, Lambert's army hasn't given up yet. Incredibly, Gerey's crossbowman whips out a cleaver and lands two hits on him! They don't do much damage but they do cause a stack of bleed. Then, one of the arbalesters lands a head shot on 1998! Crossbow head shots are no joke, and 1998 now has less than half HP and a blown out eye socket. Luckily our northern sergeant lands two big hits, bringing his target to near death and slicing open his stomach. Boontaker, upset at the crossbowman, steps forward and head shots him. It doesn't do a lot of damage yet, but his helmet is destroyed. 1998, enraged by the shot he took, foolishly fires two missed javelins. He's now open to further attacks next round!

Hauberk recovers the situation a bit with a just-as-planned that pierces the billhook Footman's arm and smashes the last bit of armor on his torso. The billhook Footman attempts to retaliate with a swing on Gerey, but misses. Then Wenzel moves to complete the encirclement of Lambert!
: Oh no!


: Ohhhh YESSS!
Hopefully Wenzel commits to completely destroying the shield. It will make our lives much easier. Whiteshark, starting to run out of steam, forgoes his attack and simply turtles, content to keep a very dangerous trooper out of the general fight.

: STURM!


Gerey kills the billhook Footman but unfortunately misses his swing at the crossbowman. Nemesis gets to shivvin', landing a hit but unable to take a second due to stamina issues. Lambert takes 20 damage straight to the face HP, but he's got plenty where that came from. Meanwhile, Gerey's crossbowman, driven to berserk fury:


: Hnng!
: ****. He needs bandages! Who's got bandages?!
: ... Fodder had them.
: ****!

Boontaker is so distracted he takes a shot to the ribs from one of the crossbowmen! On the good side, the northern sergeant beheads his target! Lambert's front line now officially consists of himself and one footman up north. Kalarion lands a shiv. We still haven't significantly hurt Lambert, but a second daggering does drop his moral to Wavering. Boontaker lands another shot... and hits body armor! It's destroyed, but that's two hits in a row that don't do significant damage due to the blocking of clothing. Irenaeus steps forward, landing a shot on the sole remaining footman. Hauberk does the same, dropping him to less than 5 HP! 1998 fires off his last javelin, switches to his backup pike, and then backs off.

Cogemeister chad-walks forward, engaging the enemy Bannerman in melee. Eyestabber stabs twice... and misses twice. No surprise yet though, that shield is tough to get around. Kalarion manages to land another shiv. NOW Lambert is feeling it. Nemesis lands his single attempt as well... and injures Lambert with a pierced arm! The Turtles smell blood. So do Wenzel's men, killing the last footman up north.

The footman on Lambert lands another blow, but this time at least hits his body armor, doing negligible armor damage. But he also does 10 HP, bringing Lambert to critical HP! Another Wenzel footman steps forward and lands a shot on the crossbowman that's hurt Gerey so badly, dropping him to Fleeing!

: Ggghk. D-danke, sir. I'll just... just...


Gerey loses 15 HP to bleeding. If he goes one more round he's a goner from the remaining stacks. Down south, Lambert hasn't given up yet, walloping Eyestabber twice for massive damage, destroying his armor, breaking his nose and smashing his hand to a pulp.
: AUUUUGH!



We're clearly going to win this fight, but it's going to be bloody and perhaps deadly. Boontaker finishes off the crossbowman, followed by Irenaeus nailing the bannerman. The polehammer Footman finally manages to land a hit on Whiteshark, dealing significant damage. It doesn't matter though, there's no way the fight will last long enough for him to take serious injury. Kalarion finally lands the lethal shiv on Lambert, who goes down in a spray of arterial blood. Cogemeister demolishes the bannerman with a pair of hammering blows, causing two injuries and destroying his armor.

: Get him off the field!
: We can't!
: Nnnnngh...


We've still got time to get Gerey out of the fight before he drops. Wenzel's troops are killing the remaining Thurah troops... but not fast enough.

: Move, you laggards, MOVE!


None of the remaining people in front of Gerey are in a position to kill anything.


: Let me just... rest a moment...
: Gerey!



: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The rest of the fight is a foregone conclusion, but there's no joy left in it. The Turtles mechanically chop down the remaining fighters.


Loot:


There's more, but the important stuff is in the screenshot. Another set of top-line armor, an amazing helmet and a couple heavy helmet upgrades over our old stuff. In any other situation this would be a fantastic haul. But now...

: Yes. We've got a brother to bury as well.

Kalarion turns away to look after the men.

: How's he doing, doc?
: You see him wobbling around the camp? He'll be like that for the rest of his life. I can do nothing else for him.
: I'll let him know.

Later:

: Doc says he can't fix this. I've been around enough to know he's one of the better ones. It's possible some magi or anatomist could do it, but they're out of our league. I'm sorry.
: I'm out then. After all this time... I'll be wobbling around like this forever?
: That's how it looks. But don't worry, we'll make sure you do it in style.
: ...What?
: You'll see. Get in the wagon, you're getting a free ride home.
: Hah.

The Turtles start heading towards Riedland for their pay. New armor is handed out on the march. Kalarion gets Lambert's old helmet, while Eyestabber gets his old armor. Nemesis gets the venerable sellsword's armor that Kalarion started out with. All three of the bruisers get the new flat-top helmets we picked up in the fight. We'll save some of the old heavy helmets for any new recruits.

On arrival in Riedland, we get paid:

: ...Sure.

The injured Turtles get a visit to the Temple:

: Yay!


: YES!

: ...well, I wasn't expecting any-


:

: Ladies, my thanks.

A night on the town raises the men's spirits.

: Yay!

Reinhardt hits up the market with our loot, selling off everything possible to free up room, including the old mail coat we pulled off Sir Merrimack's corpse so long ago. Then, it's time.
: Boontaker. Form the men up, it's time to pay respects.
: Aye, sir.

The Turtles form up by the freshly-dug grave.

: Here lies Gerey. He was with me from the very beginning, before the Turtles even had a name. He loved his brothers and hated merchants. Many monsters and men were slain by his hand, and he brought storms and fury to every fight.
: ...he'll never get the ugly mug he was hoping for. Here's hoping that Anselm sees fit to give it to him. Goodbye, brother.

The men each take a turn shoveling dirt into the grave.

: Now it is my sad duty to tell all of you that we lost not one, but two brothers on the fields under Sir Wenzel's command.
: Fodder was unfortunately permanently injured, in such a way that he will never be able to march or fight again. FODDER! Present yourself!

Fodder limps to stand in front of Kalarion.

: Everyone who's been with me any length of time knows what I've thought of you, and how I've treated you. You proved beyond all doubt that I was wrong.
: Your service has been honorable, and all of us will miss your heavy blows from the back line.
: But though you will not march any longer, you are still a Turtle. And we take care of our own. This is for you.


: Sir...
: In addition, I have ordered Reinhardt to open and fund a pool for all Turtles permanently crippled in service. You will be its first beneficiary.
: ...
: Now don't take that as license! When we stop in Riedland I expect to see you've made something with that money, and we'll be checking on you.
: Yes, sir.
: Face the formation.

Fodder turns.

: Farewell... brother.
: Farewell, brother!

Gerey interred and Fodder settled, Kalarion begins planning the Turtles' next move. The gap in our lines needs to be filled. Injuries need to be healed. Weapons and equipment are in desperate need of repair. But most importantly, Kalarion is deathly tired of this war. It's made us rich, and we're better outfitted then we've ever been. But it's time to end it. All of Kalarion's focus now will be on crushing Thurah into surrender and peace.

[Hauberk]

[boot]

Turtles never die

[Finarfin]

This was a blast to read so far.

I would like to offer you my service, my good man.
I'd play a monk or swordmaster, but I saw that @maidenhaver would also play a monk, so I might play a swordmaster or historian.