More bad news for Star Wars fans...

[Acrux]

https://arkhavencomics.com/2024/06/05/s ... pressions/

Okay, I now know why they launched this thing during Pride month. It was no happy coincidence that the gayest Star Wars ever was let loose in the wild during June.

This review will cover the first three episodes of the Acolyte. The first two were available for streaming last night and the third was made available to me by means I’m not going to discuss in public.

I’ll start with the third episode because the first two are overloaded with mystery boxes that are packed with so much foreshadowing the story is more comprehensible if I just jump ahead. The episode opens on the Planet of the Space Lesbians. The protagonist and antagonist are introduced as a set of young identical twins (girls naturally because there are no men at all on this idyllic world). The Space Lesbians are powerful Wiccans who have secret knowledge of the Force. The Force is actually, quite literally, female. It comes from motherhood. They have two mothers, one who was their birth mother and the one that knocked her up using the Force. I’m grateful they couldn’t get away with showing the conception because I have a horrible feeling it would have involved scissoring and force lightning

There is a lecture held on the womanly power of the Force. It’s not a “force” at all as that is far too masculine of a concept, it is in fact a thread that sews the cosmos together and it can be tugged upon to accomplish certain… This is all Wicca stuff, if you’ve ever become acquainted with that neopagan Marxist ******** of a “religion” you’ll recognize the concepts pretty quickly. Space Lesbians are the true and uncorrupted Force users.

Skipping ahead, it turns out that the twins are strong with the… Thread… Osha is the good one. Mae is the bad one. I’ll give you a moment to come to grips with the dazzling originality of using twins in Star Wars.

Four Jedi masters land on the planet of the Space Lesbians. They’ve sensed the girls’ power and have come to take them away for training.

Okay, this one is really George Lucas’s fault. In Empire, there is a line where Yoda doesn’t want to teach Luke and uses an excuse of, “He’s too old to begin the training.” Luke was in his mid-twenties and it is easier to start martial arts training in your post-pubescent teens. You have your coordination back but your muscles and tendons have a good deal more elasticity.* It didn’t really tie you down to meaning anything other than it was better to start Jedi training when young. However, in the Prequel Trilogy, George made it explicitly clear that Jedi agoge appears to start as soon as the kid is out of diapers. It was a stupid idea, with consequences he just didn’t think through all the way. How do the Younglings’ parents feel about this? Is their opinion allowed to matter? Can the kid decide? Not that that one matters, I mean if I offered seven-year-old you magic powers and a laser sword would you have turned me down?

Leslye Headland has decided that, no, there is no choice involved. If the Jedi come for your children you will lose your children. This choice was made to make the Jedi look as evil as possible. The Jedi were Sol (the guy from Squid Game), Carrie-Ann Moss, Floaty Guy (I’ll get to him later), and a Jedi Wookie.

Stuff happens. Osha really wants magic powers and a laser sword, and Mae wants to be a Space Lesbian. More stuff happens, their Lesbian village burns down, and their mothers are killed. Osha goes off with the Jedi who are now the representatives of the white cisgender normative patriarchal word salad of evil.

Mae is believed to have been killed but isn’t and starts getting trained up by Darth Gimp Mask.

Okay, we will now go back to the first episode and it starts with Mae fighting and killing Carrie-Anne Moss. It was almost all martial arts and no sword fighting. Carrie-Anne is passive about the fight until she finally has to protect others and draws her lightsaber. Then the assassin’s mask drops and Carrie-Anne recognizes her. Mae tricks Carrie-Anne with a feint and kills her with a thrown dagger. No loss to the order, she.

This is called a murder by the Jedi, I’m not sure it qualifies since I don’t think Mae said anything that determines premeditation. She just wanted a fight. A decent lawyer might be able to plea bargain her down to manslaughter.

Why would this legalese matter? Because the Jedi are cops now. Osha is working as a black market mechanic on a trade federation ship. The Republic made it illegal to use anything but R2 units for outside repair but humans are cheaper. That even kind of works. What doesn’t is this fire in a hard vacuum.

Before you start going on about possible oxidizers, you will have to convince me that Leslye Headland actually thought of that.

The purpose of the fire was to give Osha a flashback to when her village of the Space Lesbians burned. The Jedi show up and arrest Osha for the murder of Carrie-Anne Moss despite her iron-clad alibi of being on a starship.

Lucas was at least smart enough to leave the Jedi’s legal status intentionally vague. Here they clearly have police powers. They can arrest with no evidence. Possibly, they can convict on suspicion and possibly have the power of summary execution but that hasn’t been made plain yet.

There is a prison break on the penal barge Osha is on and it crashes. She has a vision of her sister. A Jedi team led by Master Sol finds her. Lee Jung-Jae is the only actor here who has made enough of an impression that I can remember the character’s name without looking it up.

Mae tries to kill Master Floaty Guy but he’s protected by a… Force-field I guess. He took a vow of silence after her village was wiped out and he’s just been floating for a decade meditating the **** the out something. Anyway, she can’t get through to him because of some invisible barrier.

Plan B. Mae convinces him to poison himself. By offering it to him. He’s been feeling guilty for sixteen years, but now he decides to off himself? Why? A Jedi suicide is completely unprecendent in Star Wars and this one was presented pretty much out of the blue with no real buildup. In this show human interactions are reduced to a menu of cliched responses.

The Jedi know for certain it’s Mae now, and the hunt is on for her and her master.

The last shot is of the former Jedi Wookie. He was wearing robes in episode three, which means that for forty years now Chewbacca has been a nudist just free-balling it everywhere he went. And I thought The Last Jedi train wrecked canon.

If I made this show sound better than it is, let me assure you, this is awful. The scripting has enough uncanny valleys in it that the hand of ChatGpt is unmistakable. The Jedi mystical ******** dialog is just one of many giveaways. In one scene you’ll have dialog that declares “A Jedi doesn’t draw her lightsaber unless she intends to kill.” But later in that episode, a Jedi uses his lightsaber as a ******* flashlight. In a third, a Jedi threatens an unarmed man with this lightsaber. The established rules of this universe are discarded as quickly as they are made up. Mae set up rules for herself that she doesn’t follow. Basic characterization and motivation are clearly not understood at all. These are the kinds of inconsistencies that strongly indicate that an AI did all the heavy lifting for Leslye Headland.

Was there anything I liked?

The Acolyte got the aesthetics right. It does look like Star Wars and it had an actual orchestra providing a score that sounds like a John Williams riff. That’s nice for a change. Headland even used some of the older serial wipes like an iris wipe just like Lucas did in 1977. Amandla Stenberg is doing what she can with the part she’s got but she should’ve found a way out her contract. This is not going to make you a star kid. Lee Jung-Jae, obviously had to learn his lines phonetically which has been a drag on his performance but he’s still leaving the rest of these actors in the dust.

That’s it. That’s all I liked.

This thing actually got pushed through by LucasFilm despite the fact that Disney Burbank was clearly reluctant about this project. It got a budget of $180 million when Disney doesn’t have that kind of money to burn on a Disney Plus show. The reason it was made is that this is the story that the LucasFilm Story Group has always desperately wanted to tell. This is the heart of the story they wanted to follow up The Last Jedi with, before Disney screamed, ‘What the hell are you doing?’ And turned the next movie back over to JJ Abrams. This is a Star Wars story that is all about more equivance There is really no light side or dark side of the force. The Jedi aren’t good because they represent order and that represents the patriarchy. The Sith aren’t evil because they’ve been oppressed for millennia and their beliefs are misrepresented.

If a Sith had a chance to write a Star Wars this is the story she would write. The one where everything you believe to be good is lie, that you should only do as thou whilst, if it feels good do it and people should only judge you by how you feel about yourself and never by your actions because no matter how evil they may seem to someone else, they can be justified to yourself if you view in the right light

Rian Johnson can finally breathe easy, the Acolyte has managed the impossible, it is actually worse than The Last Jedi.

*Personal aside, I am very grateful for my own boyhood martial arts training as it has aided me considerably in my recovery from knee replacement surgery.

[Rand]

From linked article in above post by @Acrux:

If a Sith had a chance to write a Star Wars this is the story she would write. The one where everything you believe to be good is lie, that you should only do as thou whilst, if it feels good do it and people should only judge you by how you feel about yourself and never by your actions because no matter how evil they may seem to someone else, they can be justified to yourself if you view in the right light

Rian Johnson can finally breathe easy, the Acolyte has managed the impossible, it is actually worse than The Last Jedi.

[machnizedTerror]

Knowing Disney that is probably period blood.

[asf]

where do they find these ugly women

[Vergil]

where do they find these ugly women

Most women are ugly.

[StudiedAsleep]

Have Star Wars fans had any good news since 2012?

Many people got fooled with the first season of Mandalorian

I never understood why the first season of the Mandalorian was praised. People kept saying "you have to watch this!" so I did and I kept waiting for it to get good, and it never did. The show absolutely dragged. On the macrolevel, there was far too many filler scenes and episodes, and on the microlevel the scenes took 10x as long to get to the point as they should have. The first season really should have been a 90 minute or 2 hour long movie at most. And then there the show being creatively bankrupt. It doesn't do anything new. It's just a rehash of the Original Trilogy aesthetics. It's yet another backwater desert planet with shady dealings going on. Yet another Boba Fett lookalike. It's another Baby Yoda lookalike. More Empire goons. More boxy, utilitarian spaceships with faded paint jobs. Oh look, it's that thin IG-88 droid gunslinger from the Nintendo 64 game! There is nothing here. And from what I've heard, the sequel seasons shoehorned in Luke Skywalker and that obnoxious red alien girl from the 3D CGI clone wars show. I just didn't see much actual quality here. Feels like people only liked it because of the memberberries.

Idk I never really watched Star Wars but watched the Mandalorian and really liked the first season. Second season was ok but the third season was bad as they threw the male actor to the side to make it about a woman.

[1998]

Just noticed that it's actually the RPG forum. Thought it was about some ****** tv show, now I am sad

[Acrux]

Thought it was about some ****** tv show,

You know what, I did too. I think it's become a catchall "star wars bad" thread.

[Vergil]

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down and whisper "No.”

APOLOGIZE

[rusty_shackleford]

star wars was never good

anyone who says otherwise is a gnostic btw

[Vergil]

star wars is the iliad of our era

anyone who says otherwise is vajrayana buddhist

[rusty_shackleford]

star wars is the iliad of our era

anyone who says otherwise is vajrayana buddhist

star wars is heavily gnostic
"spiritual christianity" is basically a two word summary of both star wars & gnosticism

[Vergil]

star wars is the iliad of our era

anyone who says otherwise is vajrayana buddhist

star wars is heavily gnostic
"spiritual christianity" is basically a two word summary of both star wars & gnosticism

We loved your post

[The_Mask]

star wars was never good

anyone who says otherwise is a gnostic btw

I think this is why I liked Rich Evans from Red Letter Media, when he said that The Empire Strikes Back is one of the better movies ever made. But never said that anything else involving Star Wars is actually good.

I agree with this.

[Val the Moofia Boss]

I liked the Ewoks

[Zothique]

The new show is LGBT ****, right?

[destinyhntr]

muhfugga say what?

Wew...makes me want to learn how to mod Fallen Order/Jedi Survivor (even though I don't plan on playing those games).

She's a minor character, didn't find her annoying. But I also didn't finish the game, so…
Tbh I have nothing against the actress, I just hate that they keep using her over and over. She doesn't seem to have made any public political statements(?), and has no social media profile at all. I'm sure she's a nice lady.
…. Probably.
I don't find black women attractive so it's not like I have an opinion on her being ugly

I thought she was supposed to be an alien the entire time because of her eyes. Wasn't until I saw her in other games that I realized they copied the actress. (Not her fault, tho.)

[1998]

The new show is LGBT ****, right?

I don't even know what we are talking about, but yes, it will be gay

[maidenhaver]

star wars was never good

anyone who says otherwise is a gnostic btw

I think this is why I liked Rich Evans from Red Letter Media, when he said that The Empire Strikes Back is one of the better movies ever made. But never said that anything else involving Star Wars is actually good.

I agree with this.

New Hope and Empire feel like a complete movie. Rotj just feels like it had to be made.

[Griffin]

RotJ was great in parts, basically mostly to do with Luke, Vader and Emperor.

[Irenaeus]

The new show is LGBT ****, right?

It has a lesbian witch coven genetically engineering women through the power of the Force (rebranded Strand or Stream of Life or other ******** name).

[Irenaeus]

RotJ was great in parts, basically mostly to do with Luke, Vader and Emperor.

Yeah, it's a good movie if you cut out everything involving Lea and Solo. Like Griffin said, just watch the scenes with Luke, Vader and the Emperor. Well, watch the "IT'S A TRAP" scene for the meme.

[gastovski]

[Rand]

https://www.gamespot.com/articles/star- ... 0-6524416/

Star Wars Outlaws Feels Mediocre With A Protagonist Who's Way Too Strong

I didn't see much of Outlaws' story at Summer Game Fest, but what I saw of the gameplay did not leave a positive impression.

I'm more shocked than anyone that Star Wars Outlaws didn't resonate with me. I love Star Wars, and have been hoping to get a new game in which we don't play as yet another Force-sensitive person. But after playing through three different sections of Outlaws at Summer Game Fest--each of which was about 15-20 minutes long--I walked away disappointed. Nothing about Outlaws feels bad; hell, bad would have been better than what I played, because then at least it could have been memorable in some way. Instead, Outlaws feels fairly mediocre and unmemorable. What I played feels like an amalgamation of different features and mechanics borrowed from other games that do those things better, all while masquerading as a Star Wars game without actually embodying the themes and storylines of Star Wars.

The aspect of my time with Star Wars Outlaws that stands out to me the most is just how much my preview experience reminded me of previewing 2022's Saints Row, a game that paints over half-baked systems and average storytelling with the trappings of a franchise I love. Outlaws so far feels exactly the same, using the imagery and sounds of Star Wars to disguise an otherwise mediocre game. Maybe the full release of Outlaws will surprise me in a way the full release of Saints Row didn't, but I have serious misgivings about Outlaws that I didn't have prior to playing it.

[Boontaker]

https://www.gamespot.com/articles/star- ... 0-6524416/

Star Wars Outlaws Feels Mediocre With A Protagonist Who's Way Too Strong

I didn't see much of Outlaws' story at Summer Game Fest, but what I saw of the gameplay did not leave a positive impression.

I'm more shocked than anyone that Star Wars Outlaws didn't resonate with me. I love Star Wars, and have been hoping to get a new game in which we don't play as yet another Force-sensitive person. But after playing through three different sections of Outlaws at Summer Game Fest--each of which was about 15-20 minutes long--I walked away disappointed. Nothing about Outlaws feels bad; hell, bad would have been better than what I played, because then at least it could have been memorable in some way. Instead, Outlaws feels fairly mediocre and unmemorable. What I played feels like an amalgamation of different features and mechanics borrowed from other games that do those things better, all while masquerading as a Star Wars game without actually embodying the themes and storylines of Star Wars.

The aspect of my time with Star Wars Outlaws that stands out to me the most is just how much my preview experience reminded me of previewing 2022's Saints Row, a game that paints over half-baked systems and average storytelling with the trappings of a franchise I love. Outlaws so far feels exactly the same, using the imagery and sounds of Star Wars to disguise an otherwise mediocre game. Maybe the full release of Outlaws will surprise me in a way the full release of Saints Row didn't, but I have serious misgivings about Outlaws that I didn't have prior to playing it.

I'm SHOCKED!

[boot]

I liked attack of the clones. Was very very romantic

[Tweed]

where do they find these ugly women

Most women are ugly.

Ugly things are evil.

[Rand]

Mortem has played four hours of the new "Star Wars" game, made by Ubisoft under Disney's direction.

Here's little mary-sue girlboss Kay Vess casually knocking out an armored scout trooper with a "hard" whack on the top of the head with her fist (her knockout animation is the same for all humanoids) while the second trooper 2 meters away hears nothing.

EDIT: that's the rear knockout. The other knockout animation (against a stormtrooper no less) is a kidney punch followed by a haymaker to the side of the head. Bare fisted of course.

► Show Spoiler

The helmet protects against what, exactly?

And this is in a universe with energy weapons such as a hand held stun rod...


Also note the ****** button prompts and status updates all over the screen.

Area status, compass, destination list, quest list, next quest activity.
Also weapon/item interaction, NPC interaction, container interaction marker.
I don't know what the green symbol over the last trooper's head means but it seems to appear on the trooper that Kay is "pointed at" so I think it's a "this is targeted" symbol.

[Schizoid1488]

Modern Star Wars is just one long never ending humiliation ritual. It is a cancerous rot that reflects everything that's declining and degrading in real life as well. Libertarians have quite literally destroyed humanity's future and any hopes of lasting human leagcy with their pseudo intellectual subjectivity and social constructs babble leading to a mass extinction ritual of lowering birth rates and niggerification of culture and lowering of IQ. Humans need to be herded like sheeps, not left to degrade mentally in unhealthy toxic environments that they are not fit to handle. Hitler Skywalker-sama.. save us... or it's owari da...

[Rand]

Yellow interactables. How conveniently painted galaxy-wide...

► Show Spoiler

Even in space. The parts of a wreck you can shoot out are painted yellow.
Instead of having them just be marked in some way by your ship's tactical scanner, like all armed ships have.

► Show Spoiler