Battle Brothers LP - Slayin' With the Boys

[Kalarion]

Due to recent developments I am opening Fodder up to be taken over by one of the free bros if anyone wants to. You'll all see why in the next update (I should have it posted tomorrow). @Gregz @asf @maidenhaver @Acrux @boot, any of you interested?

No pressure at all, I just thought I'd put the offer out there for those who absolutely must get (back) in the game right now. Keep in mind his stats are somewhat (well... seriously ) shit, and his build is a mess.

[Gregz]

I am unable to commit at this time, but thanks for the invite.

[Boontaker]

I am unable to commit at this time, but thanks for the invite.

All you have to do to participate is read and respond to the thread once a week

[Nemesis]

All you have to do to participate is read and respond to the thread once a week

The best game is the one that plays itself.

[Irenaeus]

: Captain, without us many will die. We cannot leave them!
: With us, many will still die and we probably will too. We're not ready. Get ready for the march, Turtle.
: My Lord-!
: ENOUGH! Another word and I'll leave you here to defend them alone!
: Lord...? What was that ab- NNNGGHAAAAAH THE EIGHTH HAVE FLANKED US TURN THE LEGION TURN NOW-

Whiteshark quickly walks up to OnTilt and gives him a sharp slap.
: <red with anger> How dare you, plebian! Insulting an Honor Guard is... is...

OnTilt's eyes widen slightly.
: Whiteshark? It cannot... where-?
: Calm thyself, brother. 'Twas but a fit, and I wakened thee from it.
: Y-yes. Yes, of course. Our kit. We should make ready.

What was this all about?

[Kalarion]

: Captain, without us many will die. We cannot leave them!
: With us, many will still die and we probably will too. We're not ready. Get ready for the march, Turtle.
: My Lord-!
: ENOUGH! Another word and I'll leave you here to defend them alone!
: Lord...? What was that ab- NNNGGHAAAAAH THE EIGHTH HAVE FLANKED US TURN THE LEGION TURN NOW-

Whiteshark quickly walks up to OnTilt and gives him a sharp slap.
: <red with anger> How dare you, plebian! Insulting an Honor Guard is... is...

OnTilt's eyes widen slightly.
: Whiteshark? It cannot... where-?
: Calm thyself, brother. 'Twas but a fit, and I wakened thee from it.
: Y-yes. Yes, of course. Our kit. We should make ready.

What was this all about?

Tune in to the next exciting episode of SLAYIN' WITH THE BOYS, to find out!

[Kalarion]

Just to be clear, I was being silly but not trying to be a cunt with my response, Irenaeus. More is in fact revealed with the next update.

[Kalarion]

DOGS OF WEILBURG, cont.

► Play Session

Before heading out to clear the camp for our contract, the Turtles take care of some levelling. Irenaeus:


He takes Bullseye and Crippling Strikes for his perks.

1998 also dings:


Here I make a mistake, that I don't realize until much later. 1998 requested Footwork for his perk, but I accidentally took Rotation instead.

: The men are getting packed, sir. How far out is this place? I need to calculate food requirements.
: Oh, it's not that far. Just over the mountains...


: Anselm's piss sir! You're telling me bandits from that far away are bothering Salzfels' routes?!
: No, I'm telling you that place is our target.
: ...we're taking money from retards.
:

The Turtles stock up on food supplies and get on the march. 1998 calculates that it's actually an easier trip going around the mountains along the road instead.


As we approach the camp, something... appears.

: Sir, there's something... I think you should see this. Maybe all of us should see.
: See what?
: Follow me. You'll see it plain in a minute or two.

About a minute later...


: What is that? Sweet Anselm, it must be colossal. We must still be a mile away from it!
: <gasp>
: <quietly> It can't be... is it...?
: Yea, 'twould appear so.
: Fancy a short detour, sir? We've plenty of food still, and the camp isn't going anywhere.
: There's something about it... yes, I suppose so. Take us over.
: Aye, sir. Time for a little sightseeing, boys!
: Yay!

► Probable Inspiration

: He seems... do I know him? I've never seen this thing in my life...
: Mayhap a more thorough investigation would be edifying, my Lo- Captain.
: Agreed. We will not get a chance like this to awak- explore such a wonder, sir.
: Mein Gott. Is that gold?
: I-it looks like the whole colossus is, sir!
: Imagine the drinking we could do with just a chip off that thing.
: Imagine the whores!
: Good point. We could get rich off this in no time with some patience. We've even got you miners in the company to figure out the best way to get some.
: Don't be too sure, sir. Look at it. Not a scratch on it, but it must have been here for centuries, maybe longer. Why haven't thieves already made off with cartloads of gold?
: Why, indeed.
: Well, let's go see. I'll let you boys take first stab.
: So anything bad happens to them first?
: Shhh!

Nemesis goes forward and tries to shove the toe. He drops like a stone. Irenaeus rushes to him.
: Nemesis! Hold on, I'm co-

Irenaeus drops like a stone.
: Irenaeus! What the fuck?!

Suddenly, both pop back to their feet.
: Streets of paved gold! Colonnades of jade and jet! Houses faced with ivory!
: Swords, Anselm the swords! Enormous cleavers the likes of which I've never seen! And the men that wielded them!
: <to Whiteshark> did he see...?
: I believe so.
: Me next!

All the men rush to touch the colossus, eager to see the visions experienced by Irenaeus and Nemesis.
: Games of chance entwined with the finest strategy! Oh, I hope I can remember the rules...
: Whites... whites everywhere <sniffle>
: Pleasure houses the likes of which I've never seen. Gladiatorial pits where the finest warriors gut each other like fish!
: No statues to Anselm, no churches, not a peep about the Gilder... was it the future? Or the distant past...?
: Topiaries and animal enclosures. The creatures they had...
Fodder: I was clean... free...

Whiteshark and OnTilt approach more slowly, merely touching the metal with their hands. Amid all the exclamations of surprise and delight, these two have a notably muted reaction.
: My Emperor...
: My brothers...
: <sharply> What's that? What are you talking about?
: Words do no justice, sir. Come, touch it yourself and see.
: I suppose...

...

: Nothing. Whatever, more gobbledygook from everyone else. Sometimes I feel like the only sane man here. Enough of this, there's gold to be had.



Kalarion loses all sense of place. When he recovers, he's... somewhere else.
: En garde!


: <breathing heavily> where the fuck am I? ...Who are you?
: Tye sinte me vamme?
: Why do I... do I know you?
: Behind tye, titta otorno!

Kalarion whirls around.


: You will not take my brother!

Kalarion blocks the attack, and is instantly rocketed back to the world.
: Nnn-nnn-nnn-NO! My brother! I-!


: He was my brother. I have no brothers. He was...
: He lived, my lord.
: What?! How do you know...?
: I told you I would remind you of our conversation. My lord.
: I was... I was. It's coming back. Pieces, glimpses. But yes.
: More will come. Patience.
: You at least, I remember now, little warden.
: Yes. Things change, things remain. I remain, 'twould seem.
: Your command?

Kalarion takes a deep breath.

: We've left work long enough. Boontaker! Get the men ready to march. Let's go squash some bugs.
: Aye sir. You all heard him! Ruck up!
: Aye!


The Turtles move to the Fragmented Stronghold.
: What're we looking at, Ventilator?
: I wasn't able to see, sir. Whoever camps there had scouts out far, I couldn't get close.
: Well, let's go pay them a visit then.


14 bandits, but it looks like at least some of them are Thugs, and several Marksmen. This should be fun.

Both back lines wait their turns, wanting to see how the battlefield develops.
: Nemesis, Eyestabber, with me. Let's go put the fear of Anselm's wrath into them.

: Whiteshark, that thing you did last time. Do it again.
: By thy command, sergeant. Brothers, form a wall!
: Aye!

The four Turtles advance two hexes and shield up. The back line moves behind them. Most shots miss, with the exception of a single bolt that hits OnTilt in the body. It does negligible damage. 1998 Moves up behind Eyestabber and Nemesis.


The lumberjack inexplicably causes a morale drop to Wavering in Eyestabber with his charge. It makes no sense, since the Raider is likely to be completely demolished this round before he can even try to swing. Oh well. The cleaver Raider lands a hit on Eyestabber, it does decent damage to his armor but nothing else. All the Marksmen behave exactly as they did in the last fight, shooting wildly at the Turtle shield wall. Not a single missile hits its target.

Nemesis rams a Split in the south, hitting both targets and splitting the cleaver Raider's hand wide open. Eyestabber follows up with a Swing that kills the cleaver Raider and headshots the lumberjack Raider! He tears off an ear. 1998 tries to finish the lumberjack Raider off but misses both on very high hit chances!

A club Thug rushes the Turtle line but only has a 5% chance to hit. He misses, and is immediately slaughtered by Boontaker. Boontaker saves his AP in anticipation of the shield line advancing this turn. Hauberk lets off a shot that punches straight through the jacket of the northern cleaver Thug, dropping him to Wavering and less than 20 HP. Irenaeus finishes him off, then waits as well for the advance of the line.

: On the mark! Advance!
The line advances. Fodder follows behind. Kalarion chad-moves north, dodging a ZOC attack from the southern cleaver Thug, then ruthlessly beheads the lumberjack Raider.
: Once, I would not even have touched the likes of you. Filth.
Whiteshark advances to complete the line and shieldwalls. Out of curiosity I check out his ranged defense:


Holy shit!
: W-wow sir! I wonder what mine is...


: Mein kinder ist all grown up <sniffle>
The line having dutifully advanced, the Turtles backline takes the opportunity to march up behind. Boontaker pops Adrenaline Rush with malicious glee. Fodder get in a vicious thrust on the advancing axe Thug. The next round, Boontaker finishes him off. The hammer Raider in Kalarion's face lands a hit but barely scratches his armor. Battle-Forged is really showing its worth here. Meanwhile the northern hammer Raider futilely swings at Whiteshark, missing both.

1998 moves forward to throw a javelin with clear line of sight, but misses. The club Thug attacks Cogemeister twice at a 5% chance. The results are predictable.
: Time to take out the trash.

He nearly smashes the leg off the southern cleaver Thug, causing a mass rout:


Eyestabber moves forward to finish off the (now fleeing) hammer Raider, but in his eagerness misses. Hauberk misses his target as well. Irenaeus hits on his attack, but...
: That flail Raider is uncomfortably close. I think I'll head elsewhere.

Gerey takes the high ground in front of the palisade, ravaging the club Thug. OnTilt moves forward and follows up, bringing the Thug to less than 5 HP. Kalarion does a classic wombo combo, Swinging and then using the berserk charge from the southern cleaver Thug's death to behead the hammer Raider! Up north, Whiteshark lands a long-shot hit on the hammer Raider, with Fodder following up to drop the Raider to Fleeing.

Back in the middle of the line, Cogemeister finishes off the club Thug with a mafia-style hammer to the face.


1998 moves forward to start the next round, firing off a javelin that hits the remaining southern Raider. Hauberk misses his shot.
: Looks like things have cooled down. More needlework!

Irenaeus does just that, killing the northern hammer Raider. Down south, Nemesis charges the Raider, followed by Eyestabber gleefully bulling into the middle of the Raider and one of the Marksmen.
: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's EYESTABBER!

He achieves the desired effect, dropping the Raider to Breaking. At this point the entire enemy line is completely broken. The Turtles focus on enveloping the remaining pockets of resistance throughout the round. Kalarion notably causes another multi-flee when he moves up with Eyestabber. One Marksman offers a bit of spark, charging forward to land a bolt on Irenaeus!
: Ow! How dare you!

1998 quickly makes the Marksmen regret his decision, coming back to land a javelin in his chest. Hauberk finishes him off. At this point every other combatant is fleeing. It's over. The loot is shit, as expected for such a motley camp.

The Turtles start heading back to Salzfels. The contract payout clears ambushed routes! Unfortunately the town hasn't yet recovered and all that's available in the market is a single Uncut Gems:


But what a price! I didn't think we'd be able to drive it down that cheap. Nice! With no other options for moving the Crisis ahead, Kalarion reluctantly agrees to the Noble greenskin contract:


: Get the men ready for a long trip.
: We just did one, we'll be fine.
: That wasn't long. THIS:


: ...oh.

We take the winding road to our target in order to stop by several towns. First, Grubenfeste, checking for cheap adornments to fulfill our current Ambition. We don't find anything worthwhile. Next, Waidhof, where we pick up some lumber for cheap. Finally, Reinbruch, where our reputation has fallen all the way back to neutral.
: HMMMMM! What could have caused this! Truly, the mind boggles!
: Oh shut up. At least the town's still standing.

In Reinbruch we visit the Armorer, where Whiteshark makes an interesting discovery:


: Hmmmm...
He buys it on the spot, along with the white green and yellow paint. Time to brand!



: Excellent.
: Whiteshark, what are you... ohhhh. I like it.
: Ooooooh!

The Turtles celebrate with a round at the tavern.
: Yay!

Along the road to Eichholz we see a roving band of bandits:


: My p- the land is already at war, the people don't need the additional burden of this vermin. Slaughter them all.
: Aye!


The fight starts rough for OnTilt, who gets shot before the shieldwall can be established, tearing his ear. The rest of the round passes uneventfully, with the shield line advancing cautiously while the heavy hitters charge the south. Well... almost uneventfully.


1998 lands a shot from downtown! It doesn't do much but it's pretty impressive nonetheless. The next round opens with yet more whiffs from the Marksmen. A flail Thug's charge drops Eyestabber's morale again! I may need to pump it a bit before he hits 11. That notwithstanding, he immediately one-shots the spear Thug on a Swing. 1998 continues to impress, drilling the same target from last round twice! The axe-thrower Raider is now at critical HP. The back line waits to see how the battlefield develops before committing to action.

The south is melting like hot butter, with Kalarion slaughtering the flail Thug that caused Eyestabber's morale drop. The shield line coolly re-shieldwalls, baiting the bandits into a charge. An axe Thug takes the lure, charging for Cogemeister. Then, a Raider throws his Pilum (basically a super-javelin that can also do significant damage to shields) and headshots Eyestabber! It does good damage, but Eyestabber has such high base HP that he tanks it with ease. Unfortunately it also injures him and drops him to Breaking!


Boontaker attempts a thrust at the axe Thug but misses. He smoothly pivots south to give Fodder a shot at the Thug. The rest of the north finally begins charging our line, positioning themselves beautifully to be pelted at range. Irenaeus opens up with a pair of javelins that kill the northern charging Thug. Fodder moves south and headshots one of the goedendag Thugs, one-shotting him!
: Yay!

The third round opens grimly for the bandits:


Nevertheless, they persevere, one of the Marksmen and the axe-thrower Raider landing a shot on Fodder each. His armor is almost destroyed but he still has plenty of HP. He should be fine for now. Hauberk takes aim at the lagging goedendag Thug, but misses. Nemesis doesn't, landing a crushing blow on the sword-and-board Raider that walked up to him. The Raider drops to Breaking. 1998 lands a just-as-planned shot on the Marksman behind the axe-thrower Raider. Boontaker finishes off the axe Thug he'd missed the round before.

Eyestabber steps up to kill the now-fleeing sword-and-board Raider, but his status is telling on him. He misses on a 45% chance (low morale imposes significant penalties on all combat stats). Whiteshark has a little more success, moving forward to envelop the hammer Raider and causing him to drop to Fleeing! Cogemeister tops it off with a pair of batters that nearly kill the goedendag Thug and cause a massive morale drop cascade:


: S-scatter and run, dogs!
: He's so cute!

OnTilt follows up, killing the goedendag Thug and dropping the hammer Raider to critical HP. Irenaeus finishes him off.

Round 4 opens with a mere 7 enemies still standing, almost all of which are now fleeing. Kalarion's target manages a successful shield bash that knocks him away, but then runs straight into Eyestabber!
: Awwww, I didn't know you wanted me so much! Let me shove this sword down your throat sweety, c'mere!

He proceeds to kill Nemesis' target with a Swing, recovering to Wavering morale. Every other Raider drops to fleeing. It's over. The loot is shit.
: One less band of vermin preying on the innocent at least.
: Yeah sure, whatever. As long as I get to kill more canalhas.

On the bright side, OnTilt gets a ding out of it. I'll take care of his level later. The rest of the trip to Eichholz is uneventful. We stop in and then immediately head south to the greenskin camp.


Along the way:
: Care for a wager sir?


Kalarion rolls twice, and wins both.
: Don't mind if I do
: Dammit! Well, c'est la vie.

We discover a cemetery on the way.
: What's it look like Ventilator?
: Gangers, sir. Lots of them.
: Not worth our time. Not yet anyways. Let's go.

Finally the camp is in sight. 1998 gives us a detailed breakdown:


: Snipers, in a hill fort? Ugh.
: Quite. Set up camp a good distance away. We're waiting for nightfall.
: Aye sir.
One good reason to set up camp a bit away is that sometimes enemy camps will spawn patrols. The patrol will actually reduce the strength of the camp. I'm hoping that happens here, but it doesn't. OnTilt takes his level while we wait:


He takes Mace specialization for his perk, and a new surname:


: Some things e'er remain. It will be good to see a true mace in thy hands, brother.
: Indeed

The next night, the Turtles move in. In the rush to engage at night I miss an important fact. We'll learn about it shortly.


The goblins open up in typical fashion. By which I mean, landing long range shots on super low hit chances (check the combat log). Boontaker and Cogemeister both suffer goblin poison before the real fight even starts as a result.
: I HATE goblins!

The Turtles move up as they have the last couple fights: a shieldwall in the north, with the heavy hitters charging forward in the south. But goblins are no scrubs. The Skirmishers begin opening up with bolas and nets, entangling Kalarion. Then, the important fact I missed on entering the fight makes itself known:


: Shit. OVERSEER! Someone get this net off me quick.
These are Overseers. They carry a special crossbow. Its damage is somewhere between Hauberk's crossbow and an Arbalest. Its bolts knock targets backwards a hex. Overseers can also whip other goblins to raise their Morale. They're very annoying, and deadly if not handled properly.

This Overseer proceeds to do just that, whipping a Sniper to Confident morale. Ugh. The next round, OnTilt gets the everloving shit pelted out of him by seemingly every ranged attack. He's poisoned and dropped to half armor, with half HP. He's also at the lowest elevation with the gobbos at top elevation. Not good.

1998 charges behind Kalarion and Nemesis, but the other ranged attackers, with no clear way to support the fight, wait atop the hill for now. Nemesis clears the nets from Kalarion but uses both actions to do so. Eyestabber charges to the top of the hill solo, getting in a Skirmisher's face on the south. He's now in position to go around the fortifications.
: Oh look, green shit. I see you every morning after I eat my breakfast.

Gerey closes with the gobbo line as well, but misses his attack. Fodder considerately comes up behind Gerey and murders the goblin! First kill to the Turtles!
: Yay!

With the entrance freed up a little, Whiteshark decides to go full ham, charging directly into the camp, goblin knives be damned. OnTilt and Cogemeister, both badly hurt, back up the hill to avoid further missile fire. Kalarion, freed from the net, charges next to Whiteshark, conveniently placing him in prime position for a Swing or Split. Now that the fight is fully joined, Irenaeus and Hauberk start moving forward.


The new round opens with a fresh fusillade of missiles, and another net cast, this time (inexplicably) at Gerey. Whiteshark also takes a net to the face.
: Well... if these untermenschen wish to ignore the hulking giant in front of zem, who am I to stop them?

Eyestabber's goblin whips out a goblin Fork (their equivalent of a Pike) and uses Footwork to dance out of his ZOC. Then he attacks! Goblins have all sorts of utility perks that come standard, making them very difficult to pin down. Luckily this one misses.
: I don't mind. It's more fun when you run.

Kalarion receives a nasty surprise:


I didn't expect the Skirmishers to have those sword/knives. That's a decently high Puncture chance too. Imagine Kalarion's shock when the other Skirmisher whips out another one!
: <chuckles> I'm in danger.

1998 quickly moves up and fires a javelin at one of the Skirmishers but misses. Irenaeus, taking advantage of one of the Skirmishers still having bolas out (and therefore no ZOC), charges past to get next to Gerey. Eyestabber steps forward and swings, but misses on a surprisingly low hit chance.
: Next time my lovely little shitstain

Gerey, tired out by the rush up the hill, fails to break free from the net and can't try again this round. Nemesis moves to help flank the goblins at the main entrance, positioning himself for a Split next round. It's do-or-die time for Kalarion.
: Time to foign


And he delivers, with another foigning beheading! The goblin line is now cracked completely open, allowing full access to their snippers. Unfortunately Kalarion's followup swing misses the other Skirmisher. Whiteshark breaks free of his net, but after consideration doesn't charge into 3 Skirmishers, instead turtling up with a shieldwall. Fodder clears Gerey's net, then positions himself behind Whiteshark at the top of the hill. The round closes out with one of the snippers whipping out a dagger but missing his Puncture, and the Overseer whipping two Skirmishers into Confident morale.

The next round opens with the usual hail of missile fire, most of it directed at Whiteshark.
: We all but wiped yon rats out long ago. Their resurgence is a testament to their verminous nature, I wot. Come, molerats! Test thy skill on my shield!

Eyestabber's Skirmisher footworks again, and:


: <licking the blood from his face> Gods of the north I can't wait to gut you.
Kalarion's last Skirmisher finally hits him with a Puncture, piercing his arm muscles!
: AUGH! I'm in danger!

The Overseer fires a shot at 1998! Luckily the wall hampers him and he misses. Meanwhile, Irenaeus is safe but has no good targets. Finally he fires off a pair of sub-20% hit chance misses out of frustration. Hauberk does the same, with similar result.
: Enough of this.


: <whispering> I've been waiting for this.


Skirmisher: Aaaaa-uurl-aaaah!
: GOBBLE GOBBLE! GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!
Fodder, now in position, stabs at the northernmost Skirmisher, almost destroying its armor, dealing about half HP in damage and injuring it. Kalarion is on the move:


: Oh! Am I late to the party? Let's get caught up!
It occurred to me while watching that this might have been due at least in part to Whiteshark's direwolf mantle. At any rate, Kalarion foigns, beheading the snipper on the rear, causing yet more morale failures. Hauberk gets a just-as-planned kill after moving into position!
: Had enough of these little shits.

Then, the Overseer shows the power of his crossbow.
Overseer: Don-CHAAAAA!


: AAAAARRGH!
Luckily he didn't get knocked over the cliff, which would have really hurt him badly. Boontaker occupies 1998's old spot and then lands a stab on the Overseer, but his goblin chainmail is able to absorb most of the damage. Eyestabber gets stabbed once again by his Skirmisher. Eyestabber retaliates, slaughtering him. Cogemeister does the same, killing the northern Skirmisher.

Kalarion steps forward and foigns south, killing another snipper and destroying the Overseer's armor. The remaining snipper frantically swipes at Nemesis but misses pitifully. One of the runners is ruthlessly chopped down by Whiteshark as he flees. Gerey moves south to support Kalarion and Nemesis. It's too much for the Overseer, who drops to Fleeing. The fight is over, the Overseer sliced to ribbons by 3 swords and finally skewered by Boontaker. Loot:


Not much, and disappointingly no Overseer crossbow. The bolas are intriguing however, and the swords and pikes will sell well. Time to head back to Salzfels!

...It'll only take about 5 days

On the way back to Salzfels:


: <pasty white with fear> Sir! Necrosavants! At least 8 of them!
: EIGHT?!
: Sir, we are in no fit condition for a fight with one, let alone eight!
: I'm aware of that, Shield-Warden! Boontaker!
: Sir?
: Bring the men to a run. Not double time, a RUN, do you understand?!
: Yes, sir. TURTLES! At the run!
: Aye!

: They're following, sir!
: Move, Turtles, MOVE!

We run for our lives. Thankfully we were able to lose them in the vast forest on the way to Waidhof:


As the Turtles return by the road, about halfway to Waidhof:


: Hmmm. Tempting. Boontaker, how are the men right now? What's the status of armor repairs?
: The men are mostly fine, sir. Some of the armor needs dents banged out but otherwise in good condition. 1998's leg is still healing but he shouldn't need to move much. I'm more concerned about you.
: Me? I'll be fine, my armor's fully repaired.
: But your arm...
: Is a little stiff, but I can still swing a sword. Sound the attack.
: Yes, sir.


: Can't believe they walked right up to us. Easy prey lads!
: Yes, very easy prey By the way, do any of you have sisters?
: What?
: Never mind, I'll just rip it out of you later.

Most of the round goes as expected, with the Turtles advancing as a shieldwall and the back line covering behind them. But it turns out I've made a mistake, which will soon become obvious:


And The Wolf immediately does exactly that, at which point in my play I realize the mistake His pike Raider, of course, also moves directly behind to provide extra threat of death. Eyestabber is able to provide some relief, stepping north and foigning on the pike Raider and flail Thug. But he only hits the Thug. Nemesis has more success, one-shotting the Thug that charged him and stepping forward.

Boontaker thrusts at the flail Thug as well, but misses. He backs off to get out of range of the pike Raider. Hauberk lands a shot from down town, dropping one of the exposed Marksmen to half HP and piercing his kidney! Gerey and Irenaeus go to work on the sword Raider, nearly destroying his armor and taking a good chunk of HP. Fodder moves south to thrust (and miss) the flail Thug, then retreats back to his old spot.

: Shit! Ventilator, back off!
: Of course sergeant! I-


: ...shit.

Remember how I said earlier I wouldn't realize my mistake until much later? Well, this is when it happened. After some squeals and swearing, 1998 comes up with a cunning plan that cannot fail:



Of course, 1998 is now completely gassed, having used over half his ENTIRE stamina in one turn. And he's still face-to-face with a sword Raider. But still! The situation is improved, and The Wolf is now tangled up with two shieldbros instead of threatening one of our throwers. Kalarion, intent on knocking the pike Raider out of the battle, chad-moves north and takes a swing. He misses. Luckily OnTilt crushes the life from the flail Thug, causing a mass morale boost for the Turtles and dropping the pike Raider to Breaking!
: Yay!

Whiteshark envelops the Raider line but misses his attack. Cogemeister shields and then tests out the hammer's special attack, Destroy Armor, and...


One-shots The Wolf's armor for over 160 damage! What a hit!
: S-STURM!

The next round, one of the Marksmen lands his own down town shot on Fodder, but doesn't do significant damage. The pike Raider turns his attention to the one target he should have been avoiding at all costs:


: I'm glad you did that I'm going to use that pike to rape your mother after I've cut her whereabouts out of you.
Raider: What the fuck

: Two can play that game, pup.
The Wolf puts his money where his mouth is, landing a low-chance hit on OnTilt that completely destroys his armor. He misses the next attack, but OnTilt is exposed and has a spear Raider next to him. Recall the spear's monstrous bonus to-hit.

Boontaker steps forward and thrusts at The Wolf again, but misses. Again. Meanwhile the sword Raider immediately starts going to work on 1998, ripping his armor apart. Hauberk steps forward to try finishing off the Marksman he shot earlier, but misses this one. Irenaeus and Nemesis follow suit, whiffing their targets. Eyestabber does not.
: Just a little taste. Where's mom, canalha?
Raider: EEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
: DON'T RUN I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!

The pike Raider drops straight to Fleeing. Gerey slashes the sword Raider, dropping him to critical HP. But the spear Raider makes good on his threat, driving into two hits on OnTilt that do the same.
: AAAARRRGH! If I had... my MACE...!
: You have it now, use it!
: Not this one, hngh. Too small.
: Ventilator! ONTILT! Not again, brother! HYAAAAH!


Then Fodder goes full Chad.
Fodder: Behind me. Now.



: Sweet Anselm...
: Incredible...
: F-fool, no!
: I... ngh...
: Into the fray, brother.
: Anselm's Blade...
: Never been with bros like this...
: Mein neger...
: <grinning crazily> COPYCAT!
Fodder: Hahah!
: What? What'd I miss?

1998 is now completely safe. OnTilt is still in danger but the spear Raider has already acted this turn, and we have a chance to kill him first. Fodder likely saved both of them with that trick. But there's a problem.
: The Wolf. THE WOLF! WATCH YOURSELF FODDER!

Kalarion foigns, but only hits the pike Raider. He does manage a chad-walk north, positioning himself to attack The Wolf next round. OnTilt swings weakly at the spear Raider and predictably (in his current condition) whiffs. Cogemeister misses too. 1998 does not.


: RUN, WORTHLESS SCUM!


Boontaker tries. He fails. Adrenaline Rush is popped but he knows it's nothing. It's for revenge, not help. Everyone sees it coming. Fodder not least. No one cares about the missiles, at this point they're just buzzing insects. In a strange way even the Marksmen don't care (one Marksman breaks faith, firing a shot intended for Fodder that slams into Boontaker instead). The whole battlefield waits with bated breath for one thing.
: One's as good as another.


Fodder was never the same after being struck down so long ago. He's been quietly jumping at every shadow and sound ever since. That's what made his move so incredible. The courage is transcendant, it's almost divine. All the Turtles know it, but none of them could put it into words. Well. One of them tries.
: Calm, brother. Hold, Fodder! HOLD!
: No one holds against me.

The unbearable beauty of his earlier maneuver makes this heartbreaking instead of shameful. Fodder saved two brothers. Now, smashed by the relentless hammering of The Wolf, his courage bends, stretches. Snaps like a twig. He breaks.
Fodder: AUGH! AAAAAAAH!
: Fodder! NO! HOLD! HOLD!
: F-Fodder...

But Fodder can't hold.

: NO!

Not since the mega-Nach in the forest have the Turtles reacted with such explosive force. Nemesis immediately chad-walks into the middle of the Marksmen and the cleaver Thug, then lets off a vicious Swing.
: Get out of my WAY!


: Fodder! Fodder! WE'RE COMING!
Eyestabber moves to The Wolf's flank with a psychopathic glint in his eyes.

: I changed my mind. I don't want your rotting MOTHER. I want your HEAD...


: <snarling at The Wolf> From you I want nothing. DIE.

Gerey steps to support OnTilt, slicing into the already-fleeing spear Raider.
: Mochtest dir Krieg?! WIR HABEN KRIEG!

Irenaeus palms his next sheaf of javelins and steps behind OnTilt and Gerey. Kalarion, enraged that the flail Raider entangled him in melee, lets loose a vicious slash that nearly kills him. Still, Cogemeister and 1998 have yet to act. Cogemeister swings twice... and misses twice. 1998 ruthlessly nails the spear Raider to the ground with a javelin. But he can't get in position to fire on The Wolf without endangering a Turtle. He's learned his lesson. He holds his last shot.

Fodder runs. Incredibly, Nemesis bawls out the silliest instructions possible, almost blasphemous at this fever-pitch of fear for Fodder.
: Dodge, duck, dive, dip, DODGE!

Fodder pays no heed to any of it in his headlong flight. Nevertheless, for whatever reason:


: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
: OnTilt! Get out of there. Get to Fodder! Bring him back!
: Nnnnngh, aye sir.

Hauberk ruthlessly slams a bolt into The Wolf's face, triggering his Nine Lives.
: NGH!
: I want you to know. You will burn forever.

The Wolf still has some fight left in him. He swings ineffectually at Eyestabber and shieldwalls. Nemesis viciously dispatches his final target. That's finally too much for The Wolf. He follows Fodder's lead, dropping to Fleeing. Gerey steps up to finish The Wolf off, but in his eagerness and hatred he draws his knife... ending his turn. OnTilt rushes to Fodder's side.
: Whoa, Fodder, WHOA! Easy - hnnngh - you're safe. Hold on, Fodder, we're here.
Fodder: AAAAAH, I... I...

: <cold look at The Wolf> All yours, Eyestabber. Do what you want with him. You can even let him go, if you choose.
Eyestabber does the honors.

: Please, you can have all our money and goods!
: Never gave a shit about money, try something else.
: W-women! I'll give you women!
: None to give, and I don't want them.
: S-sister, I have a sister, you can have her!
: Don't want your whore of a sister.
: What do you want? Anything, I'll give it to you.
: I want you dead.


The Wolf does not die easy. At last, covered in his blood, Eyestabber looks up.

Fodder: I can't. I ran. I can't.
: I can't get back on my own. Help me walk, brother.
Fodder: ...alright. Come on.

The fight is over.



That's a very nice helmet, probably the best we can expect from a Leader. It's got good colors too! It goes immediately to Whiteshark.
: Will he be alright?
: With time. But you should know that this may happen again. He's barely holding together on fear of what your company thinks of him.
: The warrior's lot. The regard of a brother drives us harder than any scourge ever could.

Kalarion goes to see Fodder.
: You did well, Turtle.
Fodder: <looking away> I ran.
: You've been around long enough that you'd know my saying, "anyone would", is a lie. But the truth is that anyone COULD. Your brothers will come get you if it happens again.
: Now get some rest. We have a long march ahead of us, and I need you in the line.
Fodder: Y-you do...? Aye, sir.

Noticing that Eyestabber doesn't even sweat under the weight of his mail coat, Kalarion decides to experiment.
: Eyestabber!
: Sir?
: We've had this rattling on the cart for ages. Try it on, see what you think.


Note the fatigue penalty, fully double the penalty from the mail coat. Eyestabber shrugs into it with ease.
: Hmmmm. Need a better helmet. You can have Whiteshark's old one.
: Fine with me. Do I look creepy and scary?
: Yep.
: Nice!

Eyestabber and Whiteshark also dinged. Eyestabber goes first:


He takes Berserk as his perk. He'll be taking Battle-Forged next level to complete his core build.


Whiteshark next:


He takes Rotation as his perk.

The Turtles head for Grubenfeste, hoping for new adornments. Along the way we discover a bandit camp. It's just 8 Thugs, less than a round's worth of work. Loot is completely unremarkable. In Grubenfeste Kalarion buys a shield blazon and some leather shoulderguards from the Armorer:


Cogemeister, OnTilt and Irenaeus all get Veteran's Lessons from the Training Hall. Kalarion also discovers, to his dismay, that we're completely out of ammo and tools. Unfortunately prices here are sky-high, so the Turtles will have to make a quick march back to Salzfels. Last but not least, Kalarion decides to splurge at the Weaponsmith:


: OnTilt!
: Yes, Captain?
: Got something for you.

Kalarion tosses the mace to OnTilt, who catches it easily.
: Time for you to resume your place of Honor. At my side.
: It will be my privilege, lord.
: None of that, it's still dangerous. Oh, and take Eyestabber's old coat, he doesn't need it anymore.
: Yes, Captain.


Nemesis gets the new shoulderguards, while Cogemeister's shield gets the company's colors.

The road provides a stark reminder of the ongoing war that seemed so far away out past Eichholz. Thurah soldiers are constantly marauding caravans on the road.
: We've been away too long. Time to get into this war.

The Turtles collect their payout. Salzfels' mines are now repaired, giving us cheap, high-value trade goods. We hoover them up, along with tools and ammo. Then we move to Riedland to offload them, along with our junk equipment, for a quick buck. 1998 and Irenaeus finally get proper backup polearms.

And with that, the Turtles take a well-deserved rest, as Kalarion decides how best to enter into the war.

[maidenhaver]

@Kalarion I just read page 7, I died for what I loved. Bury my heart with honeyed ham.

[Kalarion]

@Irenaeus, I've applied your stats. Don't forget you have a perk available:


Don't forget that you can give yourself a surname if you choose a weapon specialization.

@gerey, you've got two levels of stats again Current rolls:


You've got two perks available as well. Ignore what the screen says, it's from before your latest ding but it shows your current perks:

[Kalarion]

Gerey, I highly recommend you pump Fatigue for the rest of the levels available to you. You won't be able to function in heavy armor without at least another 10 base fatigue, and then only if you take Brawny as well.

[Irenaeus]

@Irenaeus, I've applied your stats. Don't forget you have a perk available:


Don't forget that you can give yourself a surname if you choose a weapon specialization.

Good idea, Throwing Specialization. Surname: Javelino(aeus).

[Kalarion]

@1998:


Perks:


@gerey, we have a massive battle coming up. I'm going to halt my session for 24 hours to give you a chance to pick stats and perks. After tomorrow evening I will exercise my prerogative and handle your dings myself, just this one time (I hope ).

I'm not angry or trying to pressure you. I just know from previous experience that the contract we're on is going to result in one - or several - blowout fights, and I want you as beefed up as possible for it.

[gerey]

@gerey, we have a massive battle coming up. I'm going to halt my session for 24 hours to give you a chance to pick stats and perks. After tomorrow evening I will exercise my prerogative and handle your dings myself, just this one time (I hope ).

Sorry, I'm really fucking bad at this.

Uh, for the perk let's go with Berserk to denote my gentle and loving nature.

For the stats, let's make an equal division between health and resolve.

[Kalarion]

We got another batch of dings right before the last fight in my current contract. I'll do a slightly longer pause to give people a chance to manage them.

@1998, you haven't dinged again but you still have a perk to spend:


@Irenaeus, another ding for you. You're leveling fast! Stats and perks:



@Nemesis, stats and perks:

[1998]

Colossus as feat, and not sure have you already spend attr? If not HP, range, resolve

[Irenaeus]

@Irenaeus, another ding for you. You're leveling fast! Stats and perks:

Fatigue, ranged attack and defense ?
Executioner, Dodge or Gifted ?

[Kalarion]

@Irenaeus, another ding for you. You're leveling fast! Stats and perks:

Fatigue, ranged attack and defense ?
Executioner, Dodge or Gifted ?

Those are good stat picks. For perks it depends. RP-wise dodge is probably the one. Purely gameplay... Gifted is the best of those three, to pump ranged attack and maybe initiative. Outside of those three you probably want Footwork, Anticipation, Nine Lives or Pathfinder.

[DemoGraph]

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT sir! I's a HOUSE-nigguh servant! You want your dinner out hot you come see me! I been PRACTICIN' wit my kitchen knife, got two confirmed kills shankin' bitches!

That's some Kalin vibes, alright.

We are the TURTLES!

Ultimate Megazord Testicudo formation!

Sign me up as a pikeman/spearman. My shaft shall reach heavens!
I'm gonna sit in a second row and poke asses with a spear until morale improves.
If possible, also give me a sling because it's supersonic.


Lvling is up to you, @Kalarion. I've played BBs a bit, once, but I'm generally clueless on mechanics.

[Kalarion]

Bros,

OBS wasn't running for about an hour. It included a major Noble War battle and a successful defense of Reinbruch from Orcs. After I have committed sudoku in the garden I will work on the next update, followed by a rundown of the results of this session.

I am so pissed

[Nemesis]

OBS wasn't running for about an hour.

Next time, click on the red "circle" button on the interface. OBS will capture whatever is on the screen of your choice and save the contents to a video file. Depending on your preference, it can be a .mp4 or .mov. You can then use video editing software to extract what you want. Hope that helps!

► Some helpful OBS links in tips I don't feel like dumping into this post

[boot]

Inspired by this lp I finally gave this game a chance.

Addicted, can't stop playing. Doing Ironman now (with alt4 mod for bullshit), standard start. Really fun, broke my bannerlord spell

edit: just got my disowned noble (who was a day 1 hire... starting equipment selection was balls at town market I began in, and he started with chainmail and a sword for like 800 crowns, almost HAD to take him) regent in absentia event. Built him as a nimble duelist and he is pretty awesome. Kinda had to build him as a nimble duelist cause his fatigue was so low but eh, it worked out.

I found that going up to 12 man party size right away screws you up, you just end up replacing bodies with your gold, exp is spread thin and your guys level slow, and eventually you get ambushed and die cause the game scales based off party size and your fighting enemies that outclass you. I had like 5 guys for the longest, only now building up the party size now that most bros have nimble. Maybe if I knew how to clear camps early with cheap recruits it would pay off but that seems so risky. Also haven't figured out trading yet, or maybe my seed sucks. Tools often go for 500 crowns a pack which is nuts.

[Kalarion]

I found that going up to 12 man party size right away screws you up, you just end up replacing bodies with your gold, exp is spread thin and your guys level slow, and eventually you get ambushed and die cause the game scales based off party size and your fighting enemies that outclass you. I had like 5 guys for the longest, only now building up the party size now that most bros have nimble. Maybe if I knew how to clear camps early with cheap recruits it would pay off but that seems so risky. Also haven't figured out trading yet, or maybe my seed sucks. Tools often go for 500 crowns a pack which is nuts.

I've always thought the same re: going up to 12 men as soon as possible. Most of my playthroughs I've gone up to 8 bros and stopped there to "freeze" enemy scaling until everyone is level 8 or 9. This playthrough is my first in years departing from that style. It worked out surprisingly smooth. Don't underestimate how much easier all fights become at full party strength, even if your bros are low level. Action economy is a huge part of fights, maybe the biggest part.

Clearing camps depends. Lower level bandits, greenskins and zombie/necro camps you can probably clear at will. When you run into camps with higher level greenskins (warriors, warlords, overseers etc), higher level zombies (geists, fallen heroes etc), and other high-level encounters, you'll want to wait until you have a full group of at least mid-level (5-6) bros. You'll get a feel for it eventually.

Don't be afraid to lose bros as necessary sacrifices or from bad RNG.

The basic buy/sell/trade loop is, buy in villages and small towns, and sell in cities and citadels. When buying, the most important considerations are village size (smaller settlements sell much cheaper than larger settlements), local reputation (high reputation with a settlement has a big effect on prices), settlement attachments (settlements sell related goods at a lower price and in bulk), settlement conditions (there's a lot of variation, but basically: don't buy when the village has ambushed routes, disappearing villagers or missing children), and Noble reputation for the house the settlement belongs to (much smaller effect than local reputation, mainly useful if you need to buy something in a city/citadel).

For your specific example, my guess is that you're trying to buy repair tools in a city or citadel that you don't have good reputation with, that also suffers from Ambushed Trade Routes or Rebuilding Effort. I would recommend finding a village (preferably with an attached Workshop, but not necessary) and building reputation to Very Friendly/Allied. The village will actually start selling below value when your reputation is high enough (assuming it doesn't have Ambushed Routes). Either way it will be significantly cheaper than buying in a city or citadel under any circumstances.

[boot]

Yeah, I retired the company cause I hit the first crisis and had a very middling roster with no unique items or strong two hand bros. Started over rushing to 12 men, have much better gear drops cause fighting raider parties sooner, we'll see how it goes.

[Kalarion]

DOGS OF WEILBURG, cont.

► Play Session

While Kalarion Koolly Kontemplates how best to inveigle the Turtles to the Weilburgs, we take care of some administration.

Irenaeus levels up:


He takes Throwing Weapon specialization, and the surname Javelinaeus. Nemesis takes Berserk for his perk. Next up, Hauberk:


He takes Head Hunter for his perk. Finally, Gerey has a stored ding (he'll be using it later), but takes the Rotation perk for now.

Kalarion checks on Riedland's contracts. The Noble contract is for a major battle in the war! The payout is good too:


: Hmmm... not yet. A little more polishing and we'll be ready. But first...


: Gilder lend his gleam to you today, good sellsword. How may I assist you?
: Greetings! My name is Kalarion. And you are...?
: @Reinhardt. Factor, trader, bondsman, one-time servant of the Gilder, may his face shine upon the world forever.
: Excellent! I'm in need of your services. My company would like to get rich.
: Oh! How wonderfully unique!
: Now, now, no need for sarcasm. I wonder if you'd be interested in a little joint venture?
: I am listening, but I make no guarantees.
: My company makes a regular circuit of cities with lucrative trade goods. We've done many favors for the rulers of each city and town... and we will do many more.
: As a result we can get excellent deals on their raw produce. On my own I'm sure I could make a modest fortune. But with the right partner...
: And what does, "the right partner", get from this incredible opportunity for you?
: 3,500 up front, a 1% commission on all transactions, buying or selling, and 5% on every sale of the goods procured.
:
: Talk to me.
: I am interested. But let it be known! I am no hobo with a pickaxe. That's literally the opposite of me.
: I don't need a miner. I need a factor. These lands are bursting with opportunity, ripe for the taking! You could be the one to reap the benefits!
: I shall not put some peasant's shovel to gems and salt. These hands have never been put to a day's hard labor, and they shall remain as soft as the day I was born!
: You have my word. Now... do I have a deal with you?
: Let it be so.

The city contracts are a package delivery to Rothstadt and a caravan contract for Reinbruch. After considering, Kalarion takes the delivery contract.
: Boontaker! Get the men ready, we're heading to Rothstadt.
: Rothstadt? Aren't they Thurahn?
: Yes?
: But I thought...
: Do we have any contract with Weilburg yet?
: No...
: Does Thurah know our intentions?
: Nnnnoooo...
: Well I don't see any reason to burden them with that information. Do you?
: I'll get them ready sir.

One side benefit is that Grubenfeste is on the way to Rothstadt. Grubenfeste is the only nearby town with a Blast Furnace (which means its armorer can produce adornments). We still need 3 more to fulfill our current ambition.

Unfortunately, Grubenfeste has no adornments for sale at all! Disappointed, Kalarion takes the Turtles onwards to Rothstadt. It turns out to have ambushed routes, a prime opportunity to offload some junk and trade goods. Delivery complete, we head back to Riedland to pick up the caravan contract.

Along the road to Reinbruch:


: Ooooh, helpless and unarmed peasants! Prime opportunity to pick up some forced camp followers.
: Rape!
: Best Turtle
: Nay.
: I do not know why I was brought back, but it was not for this. 18 years I carried my mace in service, and now reduced to considering such things? No.
: Might have some valuables on them too.
: They're running from the war. Doesn't seem right to kick them while they're this far down.
: Well then think of it as protection money. After all, we're running towards the war for them!
: Hmmmm... this argument is unbeatable.
: We could just flip a coin.
: I-I didn't sign up for that stuff!
: ...
: Enough. Gerey, Nemesis, Cogemeister, Fodder, take half our provisions and distribute them to the column.
: HALF?! What about...
: Boontaker, organize that mob to receive our goods. Deal appropriately with anyone trying to cheat.
: Sir...
: The caravan will feed us until we get to Reinbruch, and we'll need to get rid of this grain soon anyways. It's going bad.
: Yes sir.
: No fun!
: I intend that our name will ring throughout this land. But think of it this way. We're going to acquire a reputation from acts like this.
: Eventually you'll have your pick of the finest poonanny the world over if we play our cards right.
: It's just not the same when they don't put up a fight!
: What about the Sisters of Anselm's Love?
: Well...
: <grumbling> fine. This time.


Silly LARPing aside, we do get a very nice Renown boost from this. Since Renown directly affects our contract payouts this is a small price to pay.

As we near Waidhof:


: Trouble, sir. Bandits set up an ambush just inside the woodline.
: Dammit, I KNEW we should have demanded a per-head payout. Oh well, this will be good practice. Boontaker, get the men ready.
: Aye, sir.


: Thugs?! These aren't bandits, they're retards! This won't even be good practice.
: I do like gutting them by the dozen though.

Gutting by the dozen is exactly what happens. The only matter of note from this battle is that I decide I don't like using Bolas (not enough damage to make up for their extra hex of range). Loot is shit, but we do get almost a full stack of fresh food, so that's good. On the bright side, Cogemeister and Fodder both ding.

Cogemeister:


He takes Crippling Strikes for his perk, allowing him the possibility of inflicting an injury with every attack (recall that the hammer's primary attack always deals at least 10 HP damage). Next up, Fodder:


Note his abysmal 65 melee skill at level 8. I've been dealing with +1/+2 melee rolls from level one, it's painful. He takes Bags and Belts. I have this idea that maybe he'd be useful as a consumable storage depot. We'll see.

Midway between Waidhof and Reinbruch we encounter a decent-sized bandit group of 14. They wisely don't rush to attack. But then:


: Got another gang sir!
: Well this might be fun.
: Imagine how many heads will fly!
: Can't wait to make a bunch of pincushions out of them!


27. Wew.

The first round is unremarkable, except for Hauberk noscoping a Thug from max range, and a Raider headshotting Cogemeister with a Pilum, dealing massive HP damage. Here's a better view of the full mob:


Round 2 opens on an excellent note, with Irenaeus one-shotting the northern Thug, then slamming a javelin into the chest of the northern crossbow Poacher. Poachers are the Thug version of Marksmen, lightly armored and with lower stats.

Undeterred, all of the Raiders charge forward. The Thug Irenaeus nailed earlier fires off a shot at Hauberk. It does some damage but nothing terrible. Gerey moves up to cover Irenaeus and takes a slash at a sword Raider. Boontaker stabs another sword Raider, then pops Adrenaline Rush for next round. 1998 lands both javelins on an advancing Thug, killing him. Nemesis foigns down south, landing both attacks and dropping both targets straight to Fleeing!

A sword-and-board Raider rushes to tangle 1998 up in melee. Unfortunately for him, he's now in range of OnTilt, who steps north and whacks him:


: Ah, the most satisfying sound in the world. WHOMP!
Greatmaces are an excellent combination of massive armor damage and good HP damage, leading to frequent infliction of injuries. We got a taste of their power with Maidenhaver and Spikey. This is what Spikey would have ascended to in time. The Raider's armor was completely destroyed and he was brought to 1/3 life and he suffered an injury. Nice!

More Thugs foolishly charge forward, putting themselves directly in position for Eyestabber's assault:


: I need a greatsword. My new life goal is three beheadings in one Swing!
: I believe in you! Never give up on your dreams!
Kalarion drops a massive Swing as well, but doesn't kill anyone yet.

Cogemeister, wise to the constant arrow bombardment he's been subjected to so far, simply turtles up.


Boontaker opens round 3 with a headshot on the sword Raider, nearly killing him. Another Raider promptly runs up and Rotates him out. Meanwhile, the bandits advance on all fronts, piling over the corpses of their compatriots. The northern sword Raider wrecks Gerey's armor, while a Thug rushes into melee with Irenaeus.

Others would think the situation was turning grim. Not the Turtles. Gerey coolly slashes away at the sword Raider, while Hauberk lands a headshot on the lumberjack Raider. Irenaeus and 1998 calmly hold their actions, trusting their brothers to free them from melee. Nemesis gets what will be the first of many foigning beheadings! He uses the berserk charge to finish off the axe-and-board Raider in front of him.

OnTilt gets distracted and fails to finish off the Raider threatening 1998, instead braining a Thug nearby. Eyestabber foigns north, but fails to his primary target, meaning no berserk charge for now. Then...
: Vermin. Filth. Once, I commanded legions and routed armies for my brother's sake. Enough of this!


And this, dear readers, is why fighting huge mobs of Thugs and Raiders can be so satisfying Kalarion uses his berserk charge to move north to roll up the flank. At this point it's just a formality though. The only part of the bandit line that still holds (barely) is the north, with Gerey, Fodder and Irenaeus. Irenaeus throws his final javelin, dropping one of the holdouts to Breaking, and then switches to his goblin poker.

1998 follows suit, switching back to his bolas (which I've failed to get rid of for some reason). He smashes one of the final non-fleeing Raiders down south... who immediately drops to Fleeing.

The rest of the round is a mass slaughter, as all of the bandits in Fleeing take their turn and get scythed down like wheat. Eyestabber distinguishes himself with a whopping three kills made via ZOC attacks. The battlefield is littered with corpses to open round 5:


The slaughter continues, with Irenaeus killing one of the sword Raiders still holding up north, dropping the other to Fleeing! The field belongs entirely to the Turtles at this point.
: All this headcount money, wasted!
: Oh I don't know, sir. I had a grand time! Making pincushions with my bros, maybe a drink in town... this is the life!
: These bands would have been terrorizing you- the people, large as they were. A good day's work.
: 'Tis the honor of kings...
: Yes, I see now, well played. But it's still dangerous. Cut that out.
: Good practice. I can tell I'm getting better.
: A good hunt, of the best kind of quarry. Well, killing Lindwurms and Unholds is nice too.
: Ein bischen Sturm, ein bischen Drang, mein bruders in the line. Life is good.
: D-didn't like getting peppered with arrows too much...
: Dunno about the boys but I'm beat. I need a rest.
(Boontaker used Adrenaline Rush something like 4 out of 5 rounds in that fight).

: First foign beheading. I got it faster than Eyestabber
: Is that a challenge?!
: Yep.
: You're on, faggot!

There's a lot of loot, but it's all crap. The Turtles safely bring the caravan into Reinbruch:


Nice! We gave them Well Supplied and they didn't have any negative conditions. Time for some shopping. Kalarion heads to the Armorer, intending to check on cheap Mail Coats. And looky here!


:

We snatch up all three immediately. They're nothing special, straight +durability -fatigue, but it's enough to fulfill our ambition, and the extra durability is appreciated. Armor is excellently priced as well, only a 20% mark-up! Unfortunately the combination of procuring Reinhardt's services and buying the adornments has us a little low on funds. So we only buy one Coat, which goes to Cogemeister. Eventually he and Gerey will have true heavy armor, but these will do for now. Kalarion gives out the adornments. Eyestabber gets the plates and rivets:



Cogemeister gets the mail patch:



And Gerey gets the double mail:



We also finally get the bolas switched out for second javelin sheafs on Irenaeus and 1998. Meanwhile, Reinhardt strolls over to the market after Kalarion puts a good word in the ears of the vendors:


: Yay!
Look at those prices! We pick up as much as we can, dropping down to only a day's pay in the bank. Time to take on the town's contracts! The first is an exploration. With how little money we have on-hand (which means, time crunched), it's instantly rejected. The second is a camp clearance for about 1,000 crowns. Perfect!

As we step outside town:


I'll be exercising prerogative on our next ambition to take the Noble War tracker (help win the war). It's useful for keeping abreast of the war while we're out and about.

The Turtles hurry to the camp:


Note our current gold reserves. The Turtles' pay is 205 per day .


The first round is the usual, with the Turtles using the line of obstacles as an anchor for our own line.
: Leave the Goedendag to me.
: Aye.

Kalarion makes good immediately, charging to pin the Goedendag Thug in place. Eyestabber and Nemesis link with Cogemeister to form a long line that completely blocks off our back line from direct attack. It's close to a perfect setup in favor of the Turtles. OnTilt moves around the far south obstacle to pose a threat to the bandit back line. Towards the end of the round, a crossbow Marksman catches Cogemeister without shieldwall, dealing significant HP damage but not injuring him. Irenaeus and 1998 go tit for tat, coming up to cover and pegging their targets with a javelin each.

Oswald the Odd, seeing that he would only clutter up the front line, wisely switches to throwing axes and throws at Boontaker. He misses. Nemesis steps forward into the charging bandit line, one-shotting a Thug with his Swing.
: First to me
: Kalarion gave you more targets!
: Git gud scrubby.

Nemesis finishes his turn with a chad-step to bring a crossbow Marksman to melee. Nice! The Goedendag Thug, chuckling in danger, tries to stun Kalarion but misses. Our backline gives a stellar performance, with 1998 killing one of the souther Thugs and Hauberk landing a devastating shot on the crossbow Marksman that Nemesis tied up. Irenaeus is forced to hold his turn, awaiting the movement of the northern bandits.

: Git gud? Git gud?! I'll show you...


: DAMMIT!
:

Eyestabber moves forward to flank the Goedendag Thug. Fodder pokes at one of the northern Thugs, nearly killing it.
Fodder: Just the-
<record scratch>
: tip
: !!
: Appropriate.

Boontaker steps forward and pokes at the pike Raider. The Raider immediately retaliates, forcefully reminding me that I need to make use of Boontaker's extra step in situations like this. Hauberk fires a shot north that misses. Irenaeus kills the northern Thug, but misses the Raider engaged with Gerey. Gerey himself remedies the situation with a pair of blows that does significant armor damage. Fodder continues to do work on the same Raider, bringing him below half HP.

Down south, Kalarion mercilessly dispatches the Goedendag Thug, then moves to support Eyestabber and Nemesis. One of the two remaining Marksmen moves up behind the northern barriers and fires off a shot at Fodder, but misses. The pike Raider does not, landing another hit on Boontaker that this time pierces his chest. Boontaker is in danger of being killed next round and will have to move to a safer spot. Hauberk lands a just-as-planned in revenge (he was aiming for the Marksman behind the Raider).

Irenaeus and 1998 switch out javelin sheafs, with Irenaeus landing another shot on the last northern Raider, bringing him to critical HP and slicing open his cheek. Eyestabber swings and misses.
:


:


: Eyestabber, I'm beginning to question your commitment to "slaughtering canalhas". Keep up, please.
:

Escalating rivalry aside, the bandit line has almost completely collapsed. Only the pike Raider, Oswald the Odd and the two Marksmen are still standing. The Turtles close in, with Kalarion using his berserk charge to bring out his knife. OnTilt steps to the pike Raider and continues what's been a long string of misses this fight. I don't think he's landed a single hit. Hauberk meanwhile lands another just-as-planned on the Raider protecting the two Marksmen, dropping him to fleeing!

: Are you watching, Nemesis?!


Fodder kills one of the Marksmen. Whiteshark, wary of Oswald deciding discretion is the better part of valor, kills the Raider in front of him and closes to melee.
: Ho, ne'er-do-well! This soiree hath only begun for thee! Thou wouldst not consider leaving so hastily, surely?
: Uhhhhhh...
: I shall speak slowly for thee. Thou shalt not leave. Ever.

To his credit, Oswald manages to headshot Whiteshark. But aside from doing a ton of damage to the helmet it leaves Whiteshark completely unfazed. Gerey and Nemesis step to the penultimate enemy on the field, dropping him to Fleeing. Gerey has the honors. The knives are coming out for ol' Oswald. Eyestabber switches over and moves to Whiteshark's right, immediately dropping Oswald to Breaking. Kalarion's approach is too much. He panics.

After that it's a vicious shiv-fest between Nemesis, Eyestabber and Kalarion. Blood starts spurting from chinks in Oswald's armor:




Kalarion and OnTilt ding from the fight (we'll be taking care of Gerey and 1998 later):


Loot:


Somewhat disappointing. We did get his body armor, and it's fairly good (Footman's Leather is about equivalent to a Mail Coat, with slightly better fatigue efficiency). But no helmet, and most importantly, no weapon. Oh well. The Turtles head back to Reinbruch.

Kalarion's ding:


One more level and he'll hit the soft cap. He takes Nine Lives for his perk. OnTilt:


He takes Brawny for his next perk. With that the Turtles head into town and take their payout. The reputation bump also brings trade goods below standard price! After selling off some junk and restocking on tools and ammo, we pick up the last of the trade goods and head to Waidhof.

In Waidhof:


: Of course, lieutenant.
: People of Waidhof, obey your lords.

The peasants don't take kindly to Kalarion's directive:


: What a mess.
: Where the fuck is that lieutenant?! That weaselly little...

On the way back to Riedland, we pick up the Noble War ambition:


We now have a tracker for the status of the war on the world map:


The Turtles make it back to Riedland without incident. The major Noble War battle contract is still available, but two more city contracts have popped up as well. Eyestabber gets a visit to the Temple after the Waidhof kerfuffle.


The Turtles get a night on the town after the successful excursion to Reinbruch:
: Yay!

With the war still raging, Kalarion decides to take the major battle contract:


The Turtles head to the war camp:


Some Crisis contracts (such as this one) are unique. They usually involve several sub-missions (tehe) that need to be completed prior to the big fight and payout. Major battle contracts like this usually require two smaller missions that have the potential to lead to fights. We also generally have the option to buy (guaranteed) or talk (chance) our way out of a fight. We'll be taking care of those now.

But first, some friendly banter with the Weilburg soldiers:


Disaster averted, we're assigned to pick up supplies for the camp. At the appointed location:


Eyestabber moves forward, drawing his sword. Kalarion gestures Nemesis, Boontaker and OnTilt forward as well.
: Sir...
: They are in direct disobedience of their liege. I am not in the business of bargaining on their liege's behalf. Move.
: Yes, sir.
: ...

All 5 draw weapons. Kalarion moves up to the headman.
: Who wins this fight?
Headman: ...you.
: Look at me. Do you believe I will order you mowed down like the fields you've just harvested?
Headman: Yes.
: You are correct. Whiteshark!
: Sir.
: Give him his asking price.
: ...As you wish.
: Your life was forfeit, but your people have suffered enough. Remember this day.


I could have bullied them (I have before), which would have resulted in an absolute massacre. It would have been the Turtles vs. like 13 peasants, they wouldn't even have touched us. Didn't feel up to it though.

The supplies delivered, we wait for our next job. Boontaker takes care of his ding:


This is like his third level in a row with a +1 to melee skill. At this point even if he gets +3s for the rest of his levels he won't break 70. Really upsetting. He takes Fearsome for his perk.

Next up, Gerey:




Yes, that is three levels

For his perks he takes Sword Specialization and Berserk. Finally, Hauberk:


His perk remains unpicked for now. Levels taken care of, the Turtles settle in for the night, awaiting their next assignment. It looks like it's going to be a deserter round-up:


As the Turtles follow the deserters' tracks, 1998 sees something interesting:


: Looks like we're about to have company, sir. Thurah soldiers headed for the deserters. I can't imagine why, they're likely to get slaughtered.
: One guess what I have to say about this.
: "Who are we to interrupt our enemies killing each other?"
: Amazing!

I time my running into the deserter squad to occur as the decimated Thurah soldiers come within range. We get a chance to avoid a fight:


: This is-
: Oh look! A bunch of spineless faggots running from defense of their homes!
: ...
Deserters: Who the fuck is this?
: Me? Oh, no one of note. Just a former caravan hand hired on to do your lords' shit work for middling pay. I do enjoy a bit of struggle snuggling on occasion, of course.
: I do however find it hilarious that I'll be fighting in a battle you should have been at, to defend your wives and children, while you run away and squat in this bog.
: Perhaps Eyestabber and I should pay your wives and daughters a visit. Anselm knows they could use real men in their lives!
Deserters:


: Welp.
: We'll have to make sure they never go home now



We're in a somewhat awkward position here, not least because at this point we don't know if the Thurah soldiers joined the fight... or who those would go for in the event (I've never fought multi-sided battle that resulted from an event). The Turtles take the only sensible action, backing out of the worst of the swamp and moving a contingent north to secure the chokepoint of the road. Towards the end of the round, the Thurah soldiers do indeed show up:


The hammer deserters charge the line, diving into melee with Gerey. Boontaker immediately makes one regret it, with a thrust that forces a morale drop to Wavering. Hauberk follows up with a bolt that smashes through the deserter's shoulder. The heavy hitters move north, preparing for the impending crash of lines. Meanwhile, the Thurah sergeant and the sword-and-board deserter are now in melee. We'll see what happens there next round. Gerey brings Sturm und Drang to the same hammer deserter, destroying his armor, nearly killing him, and dropping him to Breaking.

Whiteshark turtles up and moves south to link up with Gerey and form the line. The almost-dead deserter immediately drops to Fleeing! Fodder moves forward and finishes him off. First blood to the Turtles!
: Yay!

Round 3 opens with some concerning developments, especially if the Thurahs and deserters don't end up fighting each other:


The deserters have a sizable back line, including a polehammer and two crossbows. One of them immediately fires off a bolt that smashes Gerey's rib. The other attempts the same but misses. 1998 moves behind Whiteshark and gets off a just-as-planned at the Thurah Sergeant, who immediately retaliates by...:


: Just as planned

The second attack from the Sergeant actually kills the deserter! Hauberk launches a bolt at the Thurah bannerman, dealing significant damage and piercing his arm. The deserters and Thurahns are now thoroughly engaged with each other, with the deserter back line committed to the Thurah footmen. Fodder takes a stab at the Thurah bannerman, headshotting for more damage and dropping him to Wavering. Whiteshark also moves north to continue picking on the bannerman, bringing him close to death. Kalarion and Nemesis charge forward, engaging the deserters from the south and notably getting in the billhook deserter's face.

The deserter arbalesters don't do much except miss to open round 4. The Thurah sergeant moves forward to engage Whiteshark and Gerey. He headshots Whiteshark with his one attack, causing massive damage to the helmet but not (yet) a lot of HP damage. OnTilt moves forward to anchor the Turtle fighting line on the north in direct support of Whiteshark. The Thurah bannerman immediately stabs him, but also doesn't yet cause significant problems. Hauberk moves behind Whiteshark and fires off a shot at the sergeant, but misses. Our fearless javelinbros, however, do not. Three hits in a row are landed, and the sergeant now has no armor left.

In the middle, Nemesis foigns on the Thurah and deserter hammermen, missing Thurah but dropping the deserter to fleeing! The mace deserter attempts to stun Kalarion but misses his shot. Eyestabber steps forward and attempts a foign on the sergeant and bannerman, but only hits the sergeant, who is now at half HP with a torn ear. Gerey also lands both hits on the sergeant, but only does about 25 damage total! I think this guy has Nimble. Kalarion, showing the boys how it's done, foigns on one of the Arbalesters, destroying his armor, bringing him to 15% HP and dropping him straight to Breaking! The Thurah footman closes out the round with another deserter kill.



Boontaker opens round 5 with a miss on the sergeant. Luckily, the bannerman's retaliation misses as well. 1998 breaks the streak with a pair of shots at the sergeant, finally bringing him down! Hauberk keeps the momentum going with a final shot at the bannerman, killing him as well. The Thurahns only have the two hammer footmen remaining, while the deserters are down to 6, most of which are backline. If the Turtle heavy hitters can crack the remaining deserter shieldbearers they should be easy prey.

Nemesis makes a good start, stepping north to slaughter one of the remaining Thurahn footmen! He uses his berserk charge to step even further north, right to the edge of the swampy water. Meanwhile, the sole remaining Thurahn is a total chad, absorbing all attacks from the entire deserter contingent! They're all sitting ducks for the Turtles now

Kalarion foigns again, and hits both targets again, smashing the head off the Arbalester! He uses his berserk charge to instantly slam the hammer deserter engaged with the Thurahn, slicing open the leg muscles. The other Arbalester unfortunately moves into the swamp north of the road and lands a massive shot on Boontaker from halfway across the map, slicing through his ear and dealing significant HP damage. He attempts to repeat the shot next round, but misses this time. But the move into the swamp was a big risk, and now he pays for it, taking a massive headshot from Irenaeus! 1998 switches to a fresh javelin sheaf, walks up and plants a needle in the remaining Thurahn.

Eyestabber finally gets on his game, foigning to smash both the hammer deserter and the billhooker. Fodder isn't able to follow up, but the billhooker can and does, landing a massive shot on the Thurahn that nearly kills him. Kalarion finishes off the hammer deserter, dropping the sword-and-board deserter to Fleeing. The front line is officially cracked open. From this point on it's a slaughter. Loot:


Somewhat disappointing. I was hoping to get the polehammer and/or billhook, and maybe some armor. We did, however, get a very nice heavy helmet, another high-tier hammer that will sell for a pretty penny, and a ton of supplies (food, tools, medicine, crowns). All in all not too shabby.

The fight complete, the Turtles head for Riedland to get patched up at the temple.

: Yay!

Then the Turtles head back to the war camp to report the slaughter of the deserters, and await the final battle coming the next day.

[Kalarion]

To the Masters of the Golden Gleam, Custodians of the Sun's Warmth, the True Messengers of the Gilder,

From your most humble and once-faithful former servant, Reinhardt,

Greetings!

I write this missive in the hope that its contents will prove edifying, and that the actions I shall describe here will aid you and our peoples in any future struggles against the Barbarian Hordes of the Northern Kingdoms.

I am currently employed in the service of one Kalarion, head of a motley band of scruffy sellswords, known here in the Northern Kingdoms as The Brothers of the Turtle. These Northern barbarians make use of companies such as the Turtle to fight their wars, rather than enslaving those unfavored by the Gilder, as any civilized society would. They tramp happily about the countryside, slaying beast and man for payment - as any civilized company should.

Recently the Turtles were hired on to a Northern House to assist in a major battle. I cannot provide more thorough detail on the combatants as the petty squabbles of these uncouth barbarians frankly bore me to tears. My disinterest notwithstanding, the Turtles acquitted themselves with admirable valor and trickery, showing both a velvet glove and an iron fist as the situation warranted in the preparation for the great melee. The battle itself was a sprawling affair, with Noble troops and mercenaries on both sides. Again the Turtles distinguished themselves in their wanton slaughter of their paid-for enemies. I note here that, though the losses on both sides were horrendous, not a single Turtle suffered lasting harm from the fight.

My former masters, I must be clear. This Kalarion and his band are worthy of your scrutiny. One never knows the winds of Northern fate, but if ever the Northern hordes should decide to contest the Gilder's sovereignty, you may be sure that the Turtles will figure heavily in any affray.

Having been instrumental in the winning of the battle, the Turtles spent the next several weeks roaming the land, dispensing lethal justice on major bandit organizations throughout the countryside. Kalarion and his men have earned rising renown throughout these lands (a result of which led to my hiring). Of course, such vigilantism comes with material benefit as well, as any Gilder Mancatcher knows. The band's wealth grows (a process which I myself may modestly declare to have contributed to).

Following their traipsing through the countryside, the Turtles again distinguished themselves in the defense of set of hovels known as Reinbruch from those ghastly mutants, the Orcs. The Orcs, in classic greenskin fashion, sent their best warriors into battle first, rather than softening up the defense with fodder, as the civilized people do with the Indebted. The Turtles were therefore placed into battle against a band which included several full-fledged Warriors. Again the Turtles wiped the entire band out, suffering no serious injuries as they fought like lions in the mountainous terrain surrounding Reinbruch. The only losses were the village militia, slaughtered to a man in sacrifice for the defeat of the Orcs.

Have I mentioned yet, most glorious once-masters, that these so-called scruffs merit your closest attention?

Following the destruction of the Orcs' main army, the Turtles were left, beaten and with broken armor it is true, nevertheless to mop up two more bands composed entirely of Young. Here the Turtles suffered the first serious blow I have observed, with Gerey being struck down in battle. The Turtles' surgeon was able to save him, but he will forever after have a weakened heart.

From these two great battles the Turtles have acquired much booty. Already their appearance is greatly changed from even the time I was hired:



I say again that your attention to this band is merited.

Once Yours in Service, and Always Yours in Sentiment,

Your Humble Informant,

Reinhardt

[Kalarion]

We have a couple dings, I want to take care of them before I start my next session.

@Hauberk, stats and current perks:


--

@1998:

[Hauberk]

Ranged, HP and Fatigue, thanks.

Perk:

[Zothique]

I've tried this game about 4 times now, but it just seems to be RNG "gotcha" shit. Skill issue? Sexual-orientation problems? Help me out bros...

[1998]

Footwork

Range, Fatigue, Resolve