Battle Brothers LP - Slayin' With the Boys

[asf]

gay

[Kalarion]

FULL METAL JACKETS, cont.

► Play Session

The caravan heads for Sonstedt:


: Boontaker, status on the men.
: Nnngh - they're mostly fine. Coge's got a nasty cut but he's just a little beat up, he should be able to fight if it comes to it.


: I'll probably need some time in the wag-
: Nope. You're walking with the guards.
: I can barely hold the standard sir!


: Are you the Sergeant?
: Yeeeeeeesss...
: Do you crack the whip mercilessly on the men?
: Sir...
: You'll be fine. If Cogemeister can stop being a pussy you can too.
: A PUSSY?! My arm's broken!
: I don't need you to fight - not too much - but I need the standard flying on the battlefield, and you're the only one I trust to do it.
: <grumble>
: SPEAK UP.
: I SAID AYE SIR.
: Good.

This is going to be true for Boontaker until he dies, most likely. The morale boost from his massive Resolve is just too essential to allow him to sit in the reserves in a given fight. Even Kalarion might go with a nasty enough injury. The only way Boontaker rides the wagons is if his injury affects his Resolve.

So basically never. Welcome to a Lone Wolf playthrough.

The caravan makes a pit stop in Grubenfeste. Kalarion browses the local Armorer and makes a purchase on the first adornment towards our ambition:


Adornments are attached to body armor. Only one adornment can be attached to a piece of armor at a time. Most adornments give a straight bonus to durability, while increasing the armor's fatigue penalty. However some monster trophies can be crafted into adornments with other effects. We'll see those later, as we slaughter more monsters.

Kalarion takes these joints, as he's best equipped to handle the increased fatigue:


Note the increase from 260 durability to 290.

: Whiteshark!
: Captain?
: Go get some axe and shieldwork lessons while we're in town. They'll serve you in good stead.
: Yes, sir.
: Problem with my drill, sir?
: No Boontaker, you're doing fine. But Whiteshark is starting to fall behind the others with his concentration on being the company's shield.
: I can-
: It's not a problem you're equipped to handle. I'm not knocking you, it's just a job for someone else. I can't do it, either.
: Yes, sir.

Whiteshark is going to the Training Hall. It allows us to select from one of 3 training regimens for varying boosts to xp gain over a varying amount of battles. Whiteshark is going to get Veteran Lessons, which will give him +35% XP over 3 battles (the most efficient of the three choices). I particularly want him level 6 so I can pick up axe spec for better shield splitting, and to give him his surname.

The Turtles get back on the road and immediately:


: Sir! Sand-woks!
: Don't worry, they're not retarded enough to take us on. We'd slaughter them in two seconds and they know it.
: You underestimate sand-nigger behavior, sir. I bet we're about to have some fun.
: Nah, they-


: Uhhhh. OK.

The fight is an uneventful slaughter, I'm not even going to bother talking about it. Loot was shit, the best thing that came out of it was 6 more heads for the contract payout, and Whiteshark getting a level:


We stop in Rothstadt, which has Ambushed Trade Routes. We take the opportunity to offload some more junk at premium, bringing us back up to 6,000 crowns. Boontaker gets a visit to the Temple:

: Yay!

Just outside Rothstadt we encounter a nicely-sized group of bandits:


It's mostly Raiders, but there are a couple Marksmen as well. Dicey!


We have two advantages here. First, the Marksmen have shit ranged weapons that don't do a lot of damage. Second, the caravan guards have shit equipment and no shields, which means they tend to get targeted instead of us. On the other hand, 3 Raiders with 2-handed weapons is a bit of a worry.

The Raiders charge forward after the Marksmen fire their shots, leaving us to engage at our leisure. 1998 opens the fight with a javelin that does minor damage to one of the warbrand Raiders. Eyestabber positions himself to attack the flank. Hauberk lets fly with a shot that misses. Maidenhaver steps forward and takes a shot at the sword-and-board Raider, but misses as well. They are not alone. The entire first round is a litany of misses. Boontaker immediately withdraws to the high ground near the donkeys. Kalarion once again decides to charge for the enemy ranged line, closing out the round.

The next round opens with the rear warbrand Raider switching out to throwing axes and letting fly:


The Raiders spend the round fully engaging our line of battle, including the hammer Raider getting in Kalarion's face.
: You will regret this.

The warbrand Raider slashes twice on Nemesis, badly damaging his armor but not much else. Warbrands are a type of 2-handed sword. But where longswords and greatswords cost a lot of AP and deal a ton of damage, warbrands' standard attack costs the same as a 1-handed sword. They do more HP damage than 1-handed swords, but significantly less armor damage than other 2-handed swords.

: Eyestabber, come introduce yourself.
: Hello canalha, I'm Eyestabber and I'm going to rape you with this sword!


: ...In about 10 more seconds.

Maidenhaver follows suit, missing again. Boontaker, seeing the men don't get his resolve buff from his current spot, rejoins the back line. Nemesis attacks the warbrand Raider, landing the first hit in quite a while for the Turtles. It doesn't do much but hopefully it signals a shift in momentum. Sure enough, 1998 lets fly:


: Yay!

Hauberk follows the right suit, headshotting the same Raider and dropping him to less than 10 HP. Gerey and Cogemeister wreck the chain with a whiff city on the greatmace Raider. Thankfully Fodder returns to form, landing a nasty shot on the sword-and-board Raider that nearly destroys his armor.
: I don't like hammers.


Raider: WHAT WAS THAT? CAN'T HEAR YOU.

: The lessons bequeathed to me shall not be wasted. The axe-head goes...


: ...there.

Whiteshark finishes with a shield split. Unfortunately I forgot to level him, so it does normal damage. Next time! Meanwhile poor Boontaker has a 9% to-hit chance. Up top:
Raider: Ahhh, fresh meat.


: OWAURGH! B-but I bottled it up... just like... the Captain...

The hammer Raider attempts to destroy Eyestabber's armor but misses, thank God. Unfortunately he immediately turtles up with a shield wall, causing Eyestabber's retaliation to hit straight air. Maidenhaver finally gets Spikey back in his groove:


Hauberk steps up and smashes the greatmace Raider in the shoulder with a bolt. Gerey gets his slashes off this time, but doesn't do much more than chip away at armor. Nemesis, confident Maidenhaver and co. can take care of the sword-and-board Raider, makes a dash to the north. He covers Cogemeister and also tangles the crossbow Marksman in melee. 1998 lets fly with his final javelin:


: I do love my sewing
He pulls out his warfork to finish his turn. Fodder steps up to the hammer Raider and lands another vicious stab, pinning the Raider's arm to his shield. Cogemeister is in a real bad way, only able to take a single attack, with no shieldwall. If we can't change something soon he's probably going to die this round. Kalarion misses his attack, then decides to assert dominance:
: Wait there, I'll be right back.


Whiteshark, not to be outdone, follows suit.
: Knave, I leave thee in Maidenhaver's capable hands. I have business elsewhere to attend to.
Raider: You won't-


: Continue, I believe thou wert making a joke
Raider: WHY I'LL-!


: Ah! Thou art the joke thyself. I see. Hello, ne'er-do-wells! Perhaps thy skill will provide greater challenge?

The bow Marksmen, spooked by the shellacking of the hammer Raider, beat feet to the north. The crossbow Marksman spends his only shot on... a caravan guard .

: Ahhh, Fodder. You love to see it.
Fodder: ...

One of the axe-throwers switches to a mace and whiffs on Whiteshark. The first bow Marksman wastes his shot on a guard as well. Those guards are in terrible condition, but guess what? If they survive, even with 1 HP, they'll start the next fight fully healed with no injuries. The best kind of red-shirt. The greatmace Raider takes a swing at Cogemeister but thankfully misses. Maidenhaver and Eyestabber both miss their swings as well. Nemesis beheads the crossbow Marksman (this is getting to be a habit). It's too much for the greatmace Raider, who drops instantly to Fleeing. Hauberk takes a cheap parting shot at him. 1998 steps forward and finishes the job, causing a morale crash throughout the Raiders, while Cogemeister rallies:


Gerey steps in front of Cogemeister, covering him from the northern sword-and-board Raider that had been threatening to step up this whole time. Then it's back to whiff city, with misses from Eyestabber, Fodder and Whiteshark. Kalarion finally finishes off the hammer Raider, then uses the Berserk charge to flank Whiteshark's mace Raider. Eyestabber casually beheads the fleeing sword-and-board Raider as he tries to run:
: Bye, have fun getting pegged by your mother in hell.

At this point the fight is basically over, with the Marksmen hemmed in and only two Raiders not dead or running.
: Sir, observe:


: Hmmm. A decent split but no foign. More practice.

A raft of misses later, Kalarion lands a massive shot on the mace Raider, dropping it and one of the Marksmen to Fleeing. The warbrand Raider gets his head hacked off by Kalarion when he tries to flee.

The lone Marksman has had enough. He starts running. Maidenhaver catches him
: Spikey is not done with you.

Nemesis and Gerey run a train on the last unfleeing Raider, tearing him to pieces. It's over. Cogemeister is hurt but his injury is pretty minor. He can stay in the line. The loot will sell well, with both warbrands, the hammer and the greatmace dropping.

: Strip the dead and get ready to move out.

This fight maxes out our head bounty payout for this contract. Nice! We also have several pending levellups. I take care of the ones I'm able to. First, Whiteshark:


A rare +3 to melee skill means no fatigue this level. He takes Axe specialization.
: Whiteshark! Well done out there! I think it's about time you took your full name on. What'll it be?
: It is as you said, Captain. I am the shield of the Turtles. I shall be a wall of iron and flesh, and they shall shelter behind me. Iron within. Iron without.


Boontaker also takes care of his level. He takes Polearm specialization.
: 'Bout time you mastered the spear. Take up your name, Sergeant.
: <chest puffing out> Motivated, motivated, hell YEAH motivated!
: MOTIVATED!
: Dedicated!
: DEDICATED!
: And that's who I'll be, sir. I told you I'd make them shine.
: You did.


Fodder also dinged, but who cares? He takes Quick Hands for his perk.

As the caravan nears Sonstedt, we see a shadow of what this game used to be like:


This is a Bandit and Nomad group fighting each other. Different factions regularly engage in fights in the world. We can spectate, or we can participate. It opens up interesting possibilities that we may be exploring later on in the campaign. The slaughter complete, we roll into Sonstedt:


:
:
:

Sonstedt itself is having problems:


: Hmmmmm...

The condition is Terrifying Nightmares. Normally it presents a contract opportunity for a fight we haven't faced yet, but in this case the 2-star town contract is for a simple package delivery to one of the southern city-states. Some other time, perhaps. In the meantime Kalarion decides to head over to the nearby town of Sonnfels to see if any good work is available.

Sonnfels is in even worse shape, with both marauding greenskins and ambushed routes. There's only one 1-star contract, so they're fucked for the next 3 days at least. Kalarion checks out the 1-star. It's a camp clearance for 590 crowns.

: We'll take it. Show me where it is.


Bit of a trek but nothing the Turtles can't handle.
: Ruck up and let's head out.
: Aye!

Along the road:
: They say that in the Turtles, the food is mighty fine!
: It looks like grubs and berries, and tastes like sour wine!
: Anselm, I want to go! Sergeant won't let me go!
: Ooo-oh-ooooh, Kalarion please no! HEY!

: Are ya winning, Turtles?!
: YES, DAD!

Along the way we see a small group of undead that look promising.
: Ventilator, Eyestabber, go check those shamblers out. Maybe we can get some armor off them.
: Aye.


: <sickly pale> Geists, sir.
: a Geist?
: GeistS.
: Nope nope nope nope.

We continue to the camp The scout report doesn't tell us what we're facing. Time to find out the hard fun way!


: MY SWORD!
: You lost your sword?!
: SHUT UP KILL HIM I WANT THAT SWORD!

So apparently the camp had a leader. Leaders can also roll 2-handed weapons. This is the highest quality version of a 2-handed sword. The Raiders oblige Kalarion, charging forward en masse. Their front rank presents an easy target for 1998, who immediately plants a pair of javelins in the cleaver Raider's chest. Eyestabber moves into position to flank Dreaded Jost (the leader). Hauberk fires off a shot at the front line but misses. Maidenhaver follows suit. Gerey moves to anchor on the tree stump and shieldwalls, preparing for the incoming flail Raider. Nemesis steps up to the cleaver Raider and connects with a solid hit, nearly destroying his armor. Whiteshark jams himself into the enemy line, tangling up 3 Raiders and splitting the northern cleaver-and-board Raider's shield. He does a lot of shield damage now (18), but won't yet be able to split these shields in one hit until he gets a better 1-handed axe. Fodder steps up and finishes the job started by 1998.

: Dammit Fodder!
: One more thieving nigger dead, what's the problem?
: Look who was behind him.
: Oh! ...uh oh.

Before the kill, Jost wouldn't have been able to attack next turn. Now, he can step right into the line and take a swing a turn early. I uh... didn't think of that.

At this point Kalarion has a tough decision to make. He could fill that hole. But it exposes him to attack from 4 different Raiders, including Jost himself. Even Kalarion isn't (yet) that confident in his armor and dodging capability, especially flanked that hard. So, he opts for the tried and true:
: Time to foign


: Ahh!

Boontaker closes out the round with another miss. The next round:
: You lapdogs are going to regret this.


Not pictured: Nemesis also targeted by the Swing, but dodges.
: Urrrgh!
Raider: AHHHHH! What the hell Jost!
: Werf

The axe and flail Raider flail (tehe) ineffectually at Whiteshark, sitting pretty behind his shield. The spear Raider quickly moves to threaten the Turtles' back line. He gets a poke off but misses 1998. Eyestabber decides that with the entire Raider line tied up, he'll move behind for a rear attack at leisure. Maidenhaver gives Spikey a chance to remonstrate with Jost:
: Spikey would like to say-


: Werf
: You'll pay for that, fatty!

Nemesis lands both hits on Jost but unfortunately one is a headshot, mostly absorbed by his helmet armor. 1998, out of javelins, switches to his warfork. Hauberk lets fly on the spear Raider, smashing one through his armor and sticking it in his chest. The Raider drops to Wavering. Cogemeister takes advantage of the distance to the spear Raider to move up and poke him, causing armor damage but not much else yet. Gerey now moves to flank the flail Raider, but misses his first attack. Whiteshark, distracted by the Raiders around him, stops smashing shields to try hitting the spear Raider as well. He misses both shots.

: You took the name Ironshield, play into it! Use that axe for shields, let the rest of the line take care of killing!
: ...aye, Sergeant.

Fodder pokes Jost, smashing his chest and triggering his Nine Lives. One more hit and he's finished.
: I just... took... my name...

Kalarion tries for a cheeky sidestep to foign again, but this time he isn't Alpha male enough:


: Dammit! Should have bought that Liminal Order membership...
: What?
: ...you wouldn't understand.

Kalarion takes out his frustrations on the Raider:


He uses the berserk charge to enhance the encirclement of Jost.
: Now then. I believe you were saying something about, "paying". Funny, you have something I want Boontaker?
: Aye.


Jost's death drops the spear Raider to Fleeing. 1998 tries a shot at the sword-and-board Raider but misses. Eyestabber finally moves into position and tries for another foign, but misses both attacks. Ugh. The flail Raider flails on Whiteshark twice... and misses twice.
: EXTRAFERRUS.

Maidenhaver calmly withdraws to the nearest bush out of an abundance of caution. Gerey misses both attacks on the flail Raider. There seems to be a pattern here.
Nemesis lands both shots on the fleeing spear Raider. It doesn't do much, but it does allow Cogemeister a chance for a follow-up kill. While Coge lands a hit, he
fails to close it out. Hauberk steps up to complete the encirclement of the spear Raider, and then fires past him to the sword-and-board Raider, taking advantage of the fact that fleeing men exert no ZOC or concealment:


He lands a bolt in the Raider's arm, significantly reducing the Raider's ability to fight. Fodder follows up with a stab that drops him to Fleeing. Whiteshark, taking Boontaker to heart, returns to form with a full shield split on the flail Raider. Kalarion moves to support Eyestabber, and Cogemeister gets his kill on the spear Raider.
: Yay!

Boontaker moves forward and pokes at the axe Raider, dropping him to Breaking. Eyestabber lines up his shot:


: I'll be stacking nig bodies in no time
: Good work! Keep practicing.

Nemesis beheads the sword-and-board Raider, then steps in to work on hemming in the two standing Raiders. His approach drops the axe Raider to Fleeing.

It's over.

: PleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplsplsplsplzzzzzzzzzzPLEASE-!


: ANSELM LOVES ME
The helmet is nice too. Turtles keep winning!

We head back to Sonnfels for our pay. Ambushed trade routes gets cleared, and a new 3-star contract appears. Kalarion upgrades! Old sword:


New sword!


We head back to Sonstedt and decide to take the delivery contract. Kalarion wanted to see if the southern city-states have nets anyways, and this is a good start to our trip.


: Sir, why are we going to El-Hadet?
: I don't know, all these city-states look alike to me. Where's Hikma if this isn't it?
: Can't we just kill them all sir?
: There are 11 of us.
: <grumbling> We could make a start...
: Oh well. We were going to El-Hadet too anyways. We'll check it out now and then head to Hikma.

Well, turns out I'm a retard bros. But no problem. El-Hadet first!

...It's a wreck. There's an Indebted revolt, so prices are through the roof and hires are way down. Worse, no nets in the market. Maidenhaver needs treatment, so we visit the local Temple:


: Where's the food?
There's also an Arena in town, where we can take on gladiatorial matches for fame and glory. But they aren't allowed while on a contract, and besides, they can be deadly. Later. Time to head to Hikma:


We arrive without incident. The payout is paltry, but at least the conclusion screen is cute:


Hikma, despite being close to the sea, also has no nets. Time to check out our last hope, the city-state of Ras Sanan, out by Aalbek. Along the way, Eyestabber takes care of his ding:


He takes sword specialization for his perk, which qualifies him for his surname:


: That's certainly aspirational.
: On the battlefield AND with the whores, eh? Eh?!

Kalarion too:


And with this level, Kalarion takes Battle Forged, the final core perk of his build. You guys will see it later when one of the bros unlocks it. We're stocked up on supplies, so we just cut straight across the desert, headed for Dornwacht:


Out in the desert:


Everyone looks at Kalarion.
: What?


Kalarion changes his mind on the march and turns the Turtles towards Dornen. They've got Ambushed Routes and a 1-star contract for a camp clearance. Kalarion takes it. We need the faction, and we need to see what prices for dye are like with no ambushed routes.


: Alright boys, it's boring but it pays the bills. Let's go slaughter some chumps.
: Yay!


Another 1-star contract with a leader. These are becoming concerningly common. His armor isn't anything to write home about, but Maidenhaver would love that mace, and his helmet is very nice.

Boontaker steps forward and Adrenaline Rushes, hoping to capitalize on an Raiders that rush this round. 1998 steps to the edge of the high ground and fires off a javelin, but misses. Fritz switches to throwing axes and smashes one right into 1998's armor. Eyestabber rushes from the south, hoping to come up from the flank in a turn or two. Hauberk steps up and fires off a miss. The rest of the round is everyone moving into position.


Round 2 opens with the Raiders moving to engage. The sword Raider moves to Kalarion and misses.
: Look Captain. The trash brings itself to be taken out.
: Yes, very convenient.

More concerning is the greatflail Raider who moved to within a hex of Kalarion, allowing him an opportunity to attack next round. Fritz fires off another pair of axes but misses both. Maidenhaver quickly moves into the small gap in the wall down south, sealing it up and setting himself up to threaten the lone Marksman next round. Speaking of, the Marksman lets fly and lands a solid hit on Nemesis, piercing his arm. I'm going to need to work on all the bros' max HP now, they're all distressingly low with the exception of Kalarion and Eyestabber (who is an absolute juggernaut in that department at least).

Eyestabber tries to foign but only hits the sword Raider. He does manage to destroy his armor and cause nick the carotid. 1998 lands a javelin on the greatflail Raider. He doesn't do much yet except chip away at armor. Nemesis, hurt and seeing the prospect of attacking into high ground, wisely turtles up behind a shieldwall.
: An opportunity will come, and heads will fly. They always do.

The throwing axe Raider whiffs twice on Whiteshark's shield. Then the hammer Raider comes down and lands a tough shot, smashing into Whiteshark's armor and dealing a bit of HP damage. Whiteshark smashes his shield in retaliation:
: Thou'rt not long for this world with no shield, fool.

As if to prove the point, Fodder steps south and lands a stab on the Raider, bringing his armor to critical levels and dropping him to Wavering. Kalarion also decides to prove a point:


: Self-cleaning
The berserk charge is used to back towards Fodder, creating a serious dilemna for the greatflail Raider. If he goes south to have a go at Eyestabber, Kalarion can still step in next round and wail on him. If he goes straight for Kalarion he's asking for death, as Kalarion can take several hits while the Raider can only take one, possibly two.

Gerey moves forward to stand beside Whiteshark, putting Nemesis behind full cover. The greatflail Raider takes the least bad choice and goes for Eyestabber. It's a head shot!


: <grinning> Thought that was enough to kill me? Bad idea, pivete-lover.
: Spikey has not heard this term.
: That's ok. If you know, you know.

Check the damage done to Eyestabber. He got headshot by a 2-handed weapon. Normally that would be enough to drop any other bro except maybe Kalarion. Eyestabber's still going, and he could probably take another headshot if he needed to. What a beast. The hammer Raider, scared shitless by the loss of his shield, swings wildly at Whiteshark and connects again. He's ok for now but his armor is starting to crack. Another axe-throw by Fritz brings it to the breaking point. Maidenhaver moves to tangle up the southern axe-thrower. Hauberk takes aim and makes a calculated shot.
: Steady... 1... 2... just over his head...!


: Got him!

Eyestabber's turn:


: See how you do, chump.
Nemesis backs onto the high ground and shieldwalls. Whiteshark follows suit. 1998 coolly throws his last pair of javelins, turning the hammer Raider into a dead pincushion. Kalarion sidles up to the greatflail Raider.

Raider: N-no... it was you...?
: Always was, retard.


The berserk charge allows Kalarion to instantly step up in support of Maidenhaver. The axe-thrower Raiders are in trouble. Boontaker tries for a difficult shot into high ground and misses, but Fodder lands a vicious headshot, slashing open the Raider's cheek.


The Marksman opens the round with a shot from down-fucking-town, smashing into Nemesis' leg and bringing him to critical HP:


Raider: No scope
: H-Hauberk, isn't that supposed to be your line?
: Mother-!

Maidenhaver misses another swing. Both axe-throwers switch to their weapons and shieldwall. Fritz finally decides he's been too passive. He charges right into the middle of Kalarion and the polearm bros!


: Thought I'd pay you faggots a visit.
Cogemeister charges into the opening created by Fritz, but isn't able to close with the Marksman completely due to not having Pathfinder. Gerey, deciding to move in support of the 2h bros, beheads one of the Raiders!
: STURM!

Nemesis takes the opportunity to back completely out of range. Fodder attempts a Repel with a good chance, and misses!
: H-hi mr. Ox, nice to meet you!

Kalarion, unfazed by Fritz's arrival, smashes him in the body with his greatsword, dealing massive damage to his armor and taking a good fifth of his life.
: Nice visit.

Whiteshark attempts to shield bash Fritz away, but misses as well. Boontaker, having popped Adrenaline Rush, gets to start the round attacking Fritz. He hits!

...a headshot. To full head armor.
: Dammit...

The Marksman misses his shot and stays in place to reload. Bad move. Maidenhaver meanwhile has apparently decided that he will focus on destroying his Raider's kite shield. 1 durability at a time. The Raider pokes ineffectually at Eyestabber, doing fuck-all. Cogemeister meanwhile takes full advantage of the Marksman's foolishness, getting in position behind him.
: H-hello sir. I'm sorry but I've come to make sure you die.

Fritz smashes Boontaker's helm, then wisely turtles up with a shieldwall. Gerey moves to help Cogemeister.
: Hallo, kleinbruder! I've come to watch your work! Would you like some pointers?
: W-would I!

Fodder tries another Repel and misses again. Kalarion however, does not. This crushing blow drops Fritz straight to Fleeing. Maidenhaver finally lands a hit on his Raider, smashing him so hard the shoulder gets dislocated. Cogemeister enthusiastically attacks the Marksman, landing one hit that does absolutely nothing.
: Nein, nein, Coge! I will teach you the ways of Sturm und Drang, to seek out und oppress the merchant wherever he may hide. Ja?
: R-really?! Yes SIR!
: Ja so. This is STURM-


: Und hier sind DRANG!


: Verstehen sie?
: <watching intently> I-I think so...
: We shall see.
Marksman: Hurgh...

Eyestabber has had enough.
: I want you to know. I'll be fucking your sister when I find her. She'll end up liking it.
Raider: B-but I don't even have-


: Then what use are you to me?
Fodder finally lands a Repel, pushing Fritz up to Eyestabber and Kalarion's loving embrace. Whiteshark decides to try a shot from the low ground, and he hits! He triggers Fritz's Nine Lives. Fritz ends his life getting slaughtered by Eyestabber while trying to run. It's over.


That mace will be a nice upgrade for Maidenhaver I think. Not much to speak of but that's ok, the Turtles got good money and experience out of it. The bros head back to town and get paid, but it doesn't clear ambushed routes. Shit. Oh well. We buy the tools in the market at a premium and head out.

: Get the men ready to move, we're heading for Aalbek.
: Aye, sir.

Aalbek has just a pair of nets and some amber, and no good contracts. We head south for Ras Sanan. Nemesis and Eyestabber get treatment at the Temple:

: Yay!
: Nice. I'd better get a happy ending out of this or there's going to be some black eyes.

Ras Sanan, despite being on the shore, has no nets and no harbor. Useless. Disappointed and frustrated with the wasted time, Kalarion moves the Turtles back to Dornen, then to go on to Salzfels. It wasn't a total waste, but it wasn't what we hoped.
: Time to return to my original focus - outfitting the men. Boontaker, sing a song.
: Aye sir!

[maidenhaver]

Us at the Temple of Naked Healing Girls

[Oyster Sauce]

I'm reading that this game has handgonnes. That's clearly what my son specializes in.

[Hauberk]

If it seems like I miss a lot you should know that it is only to lull the enemy into a false sense of security... That second rank hit was totally meant to happen, by the way!

[boot]

this is a good LP and I am reading, if you can make a commando named boot who stalks the field with bow/crossbow and a trusty dagger

[Nemesis]

Us at the Temple of Naked Healing Girls

[Kalarion]

@OnTilt:


As you can see, I've got you pegged for now as a 2h mace bro. If you want me to build you some other way let me know. Your trait is Fearless (+5 resolve) and your background is Bastard Noble.
--
@Cogemeister, you have three dings stacked up. Please let me know what stats and perk you'd like to take for the first of them. If you don't let me know by tomorrow afternoon I'll assume you've given control to me (for now, at least).
--

@gerey:


Note that even though you only have the one stat roll to do, you have 2 perks stacked up. Let me know which ones you'd like to take.
--

@Irenaeus:


Remember to let me know your perk choice.
--

@Hauberk:


Perk as well. I keep forgetting to give you your surname. I'll put it in shortly. Do you still want Torn-Ear? Keep in mind that injury you got wasn't the permanent version, Missing Ear. It's since healed.
--

@Boontaker:


Perk as well.
--

@Nemesis:


Perk as well.
--

@1998:


Perk as well. Keep in mind you're now level 5, which means you can choose your weapons spec and a surname. Let me know what you'd like.

[1998]

NICE!

Throwing Weapons.
Resolve, Initiative, HP.
Pathfinder
And surname ehm WAGNER

[Kalarion]

The bros have unlocked a new tier of perks. Tier 6 usually represents the completion of a core build. All four perks in this tier are excellent. Currently Whiteshark, Gerey and Boontaker are high enough level (7) to pick them. They are:

Tier 6
Berserk - gain a charge of 4 AP, up to once per round, upon killing a target. Notes - you've already seen its potential on Kalarion. A great perk for any high weapon-skill bro. Absolutely incredible on 2-handed swords and hammers, bow ranged, and swordmaster/duelists.
Headhunter - when you get a headshot, the next attack that hits is automatically also a headshot. Notes - fantastic for 2-hand axe bros, for gamblers, and for polearm (specifically pike) bros. Inconsistent headshots is a big problem, this fixes it.
Nimble - Gain 60% damage reduction to HP damage. The damage reduction scales down drastically for every point of fatigue penalty you have over -15 (in other words, heavier armor quickly drops the damage reduction to negligible or no benefit). Notes - disgusting for duelists, who typically want high initiative and light armor anyways. If you can get a duelist with 70 or more HP he'll be nigh unkillable with this perk. Good for any class that wears lighter armor, such as polearm bros and archers of all kinds.
Battle-Forged - Gain damage reduction for armor equal to 5% of your total current armor durability. The more armor you have and the more intact it is, the bigger the benefit. Notes - mandatory for any bro wearing heavy armor. Standard heavy armor wearers can expect to see approximately 20-25% (400-500 total durability) damage reduction. The highest tier armor can give up to 35% (at 700 total).

[Kalarion]

NICE!

Throwing Weapons.
Resolve, Initiative, HP.
Pathfinder
And surname ehm WAGNER

I'll do this, but I highly recommend you take advantage of the excellent +4 ranged skill roll you got. You really want to be around 75 or so skill when you hit the soft cap. Do you still want to do those three stats?

[1998]

NICE!

Throwing Weapons.
Resolve, Initiative, HP.
Pathfinder
And surname ehm WAGNER

I'll do this, but I highly recommend you take advantage of the excellent +4 ranged skill roll you got. You really want to be around 75 or so skill when you hit the soft cap. Do you still want to do those three stats?

Ah no then please ranged. I obviously don't really know what I am doing

[Irenaeus]

@Irenaeus:


Remember to let me know your perk choice.

Wait, did you recruit me some time and I missed? I'm already level 2? Those stars are really unfortunate, but I'll go with the lucky rolls on ranged attack, initiative and then any one of the three at the left. Perks should Student, or if you already picked that, either Crippling Strikes or Bags and Belts (if this allow me to carry more javs and throwing axes).

[Nemesis]

@Nemesis:

Health -> Sword -> Stamina/Fatigue
New perk: Reach Advantage

[Hauberk]

Ranged, HP & Fatigue. Perk: Footwork. We could try "Schnurrbart" as the last name.

[Kalarion]

FULL METAL JACKETS, cont.

► Play Session

The Turtles head back to Rothstadt by way of Dornen, and trade goods there are finally selling below retail! We pick up both dyes and salts. In Rothstadt, Kalarion checks on the men available for hire.


Some promising recruits, including a caravan guard, a bastard, a monk (very useful for a number of reasons) and other mid-tier backgrounds. Kalarion doesn't take any of them up on it yet. I held off because Gregz has been waiting patiently for a long time for his recruit and I'm going to have to go to Waidhof to find one.

Kalarion checks on the contracts available:


The main issue here is Ambushed Routes giving a price penalty to any armor sold. The Turtles are going to need to fix that. The first 2-star should do it, it's a camp clearance for banditos. After some negotiation Kalarion takes it.

: Alright you lazy faggots, time to do some work again. Pack up! Boontaker, get the men on the road.
: Yes sir.


Some changes have been made to the line over the last couple sessions, here's what it looks like now:


Maidenhaver's fat storage has ascended his name to another level.
: Food, REAL SHIT.

The Turtles arrive by night. Kalarion is inclined to attack right away, considering this is a 2-star (which means likely 3+ marksmen). 1998 scouts the camp:


: Sir! I saw one of the men in camp on a wanted poster in Rothstadt. Might be able to get a reward for snagging him.
:

This happens on 2+-star contracts for camp clearances sometimes. The game will randomly add a Leader or champion to the mix (we'll learn about champions later), and then offer an increased payout for the kill. Cha-ching!

The Turtles move in:


Not shown: the entire bandit party, minus like 2 of them, waiting their turn. This is rare, especially when we're outnumbered. Normally bandits will immediately charge, hoping to make use of numerical superiority. We are accordingly cautious, inching forward until:


: Poleaxe! Found Lars!

Shit.

: Poleaxe? Shit.

Poleaxes are slightly weaker 2-handed axes, that are also reach weapons. Since they're axes they can also split shields over reach. They're excellent all-round, but very worrying in Raiders' hands.

Most of the round is spent getting into position at various chokepoints created by the camp's obstacles. Then, all the Raiders that waited get their turns, and:


: INCOMING!
Fodder: UNGH!

We see now the wisdom of waiting for nightfall. Those 6(!!) Marksmen would have been an absolute nightmare if they had daytime to work with. As it is they mostly shot at shieldbros for a 5% hit chance, until that final bolt.

It's not all scary bolts flying from the darkness. 1998 steps up to the line and lets fly with a javelin at the poleaxe Raider, landing a hit square in his chest:


: Yay!

Kalarion, Maidenhaver and Eyestabber charge forward, intent on reaching that devastating line of Marksmen as soon as possible. An axe Raider with no shield moves south to intercept, tying Maidenhaver up in melee. As the new round opens, the Marksman firing line begins opening fire again.

: COVER!
: Behind me, brothers! They've no chance to penetrate my shield!

Lars moves up on Nemesis. It looks like he has a military cleaver, the highest quality 1-handed cleaver weapon. It's devastating against light armor. Lars uses his action to shieldwall, virtually guaranteeing he'll be healthy next round for some Jason action. Nemesis turtles ( ) up as well, shieldwalling and activating the Riposte skill.

Whiteshark is true to his word, drawing almost every ranged attack like a fucking magnet. It's beautiful to watch a half dozen shots fly from all directions, all with a 5% hit-chance:


: Murrum Ferrus!

Boontaker moves south and tries a poke at the axe Raider, missing. He quickly moves back behind cover with the extra AP from his shiny new weapon spec. Hauberk takes a shot at the poleaxe Raider but misses. 1998 follows suit. Spikey has a talk with the axe Raider:
: You cannot contain me. Spikey, you have the honors.


Gerey steps forward and slashes the poleaxe Raider, nearly destroying his armor and lightly grazing his HP. Eyestabber moves to support Maidenhaver.
: Hi! I need a new pisspot, your head will do nicely!


With the way clear, Kalarion charges to the Marksman line, threatening all of them next round. Fodder, hurt but still in the fight, deftly pokes his pike through the fireplace and impales the poleaxe Raider, killing him! That's one major threat down. He backs off to keep out of range of next round's missile storm. Speaking of, all 6 Marksmen once again waste all their shots on Whiteshark's shield. It's hilarious to watch. Boontaker casually steps up after the fire stops, the pike piercing a Marksman's arm.

One of the axe-thrower Raiders gets a headshot off on Cogemeister, but it doesn't do much yet. Eyestabber steps past Kalarion, setting himself up for a beautiful foign attempt next round. Hauberk steps behind the line and finally hits one of the Marksmen, driving a bolt right through his chest and dropping him to 10% HP! 1998 steps forward as well:
: Have a needle!


Kalarion steps past the cleaver Raider that was blocking him from the Marksmen, dodging the ZOC attack. He's now in position:
: Eyestabber! You're a great killer but you're no mass-murderer. Not yet. Watch carefully!
: phhh-HAH!


: Holy shit. He did it. He actually did it! TEACH ME!
Kalarion confirms his Alpha status with another beheading using Split! The firing line is completely disintegrating now, and the surviving crossbow Marksman drops straight to Fleeing.

Whiteshark steps behind Lars, getting in the face of the axe-thrower Raider.
: Fodder, back off. We've got this.
Fodder: Aye Sergeant.

One of the remaining crossbow Marksmen risks stepping forward to fire a shot point-blank. He misses Maidenhaver steps forward to flank the cleaver Raider, taking a glancing shot for his troubles. Boontaker gets his groove back:


: Still got it

Eyestabber goes haring off after two Marksmen.
: RUN YOU LITTLE SHITS!

Maidenhaver imitates Kalarion, dodging a ZOC attack to get above the cleaver Raider. He tries a swing but misses. 1998 continues his streak, throwing his final javelin at the cleaver Raider:
: They all die fast with a metal bar in their chest.


He switches out with his warfork, the shiny new Quick Hands perk already showing its worth. Hauberk aims at the javelin Raider behind Lars, but misses. The shot goes wide... and hits Lars on a 7% chance!
: Planned

Kalarion steps around the fleeing Marksman, then casually smashes his chest in as he tries to run, killing him.

Next round, the two Marksmen Eyestabber threatened obey his command, running to support Lars and target Cogemeister in the far north. Speaking of Cogemeister, he's got a Marksman trapped in melee right now. Down south, Boontaker steps up behind Whiteshark, poking the (then-)javelin (now-)sword Raider. Then I make a massive mistake with Maidenhaver:
: Get moving, Maidenhaver. I want to close this fight out. If someone like Lars is visiting they must have something stashed away for the occasion!
: I'm hungry. DIE!


The sword Raider instantly makes me regret my decision, dropping 2/3 of his HP and nearly destroying his armor.
: Shit! Eyestabber, stop chasing those marksmen and help Maidenhaver NOW!
: But they're such easy targets...

Eyestabber moves to surround the other Raider threatening Maidenhaver, hoping to cause a morale drop. It doesn't work. Lars tries another shot at Nemesis but misses again. 1998 frantically headshots the sword Raider, trying to support Maidenhaver. The mace Raider takes aim:


: NO!
: Things are looking up

Bros, I have to be honest here: I was so fucking pissed at how stupid I was and how fast Maidenhaver dropped that I came || this close to reloading the fight. I'm sorry @maidenhaver At least, as we'll see soon, you'll be coming back some day.

Cogemeister pokes merrily away at the Marksman, hurting armor and not much else.
: Your lessons, Coge! Sturm!
: O-Okay, sir!

Kalarion has something to say to the mace Raider. Boontaker gets another body-shot in, dropping the sword Raider to critical HP and completely depleting his armor. Eyestabber gets a word in edgewise on the mace Raider:
: I just want you to know. Me and the big man there? We're about to use you as a chinese handcuff for our swords.
Raider: ...a wha-?

Raider: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
: Gods of the NORTH that felt good!

Eyestabber, now distracted once again by the tasty remaining Marksmen, tries to walk their way. But the mace Raider lands his ZOC attack.
: Hm?

1998 finishes off the sword Raider. Hauberk fires a shot at one of the Marksmen but misses. Kalarion remonstrates with the mace Raider:
: Now understand...

: When he said, "Chinese handcuff", I had no idea what he was talking about.
Raider: Nnnnooooo... please...
: Me, I'm just going to bury my sword so far up your ass it's going to touch his, on its way down your throat.
: That's what I said though...

Cogemeister pops a cheeky headshot on the Marksman, dropping him to 5% HP and Breaking. Next round, the Marksman, frantic now, risks two wild punctures, missing both. Lars swings twice more, and misses both. It's worth noting here that Nemesis has been fielding Lars the entire fight and only been hit once.
: Duck, dive, dodge, dip and dodge!
: Um.

Eyestabber finishes the now-mewling mace Raider. Whiteshark starts going to work on Lars's shield. The bros have him surrounded and it's an all-out gangbang. Kalarion quietly switches to his knife. Boontaker destroys the last of Lars's body armor, opening the way for the sword bros to finish him off. Nemesis triggers his Nine Lives. Boontaker finishes Lars. The last Marksman actually lands a puncture on Eyestabber! It barely registers.
: Hey, that tickled. Try again!
...
: Just kidding!

It's over.


Loot is a smorgasbord:


: Gather the loot. Someone string Lars's head up, we're bringing it back to Rothstadt. Prep Maidenhaver's body for movement.
: Aye, sir. Hauberk, Whiteshark, get a litter setup for...
: No. I'm carrying him.
: ...yes, sir.



We collect our pay in Rothstadt:


Holy shit! Payout was doubled! I'd forgotten how much those rando bounties could be worth. And with ambushed routes cleared, armor is at reasonable prices (for big towns) again!


Note the stack of ducats we're sitting pretty on top of

In the end, Kalarion picks up another mail hauberk and the mail coif. We pick up some tools as well. Then it's on to more important business:
: Boontaker, conduct the honors.
: Aye sir.

...

: The Captain will speak!
: Here lies Maidenhaver, called Mace-Talker. He was one of the OG Turtles, with the company almost from the beginning. He killed 21 men and monsters over 29 battles.
: He had two loves in life: food, and Spikey the spiked mace. He was retarded - you're all retarded - but he could truly make that mace sing in a fight. He earned his surname.
: Good-bye, brother. I am sorry for my mistake.
: The ceremony is concluded. Boontaker, get the men prepped to move out. We're still headed for Salzfels and Riedland.
: Aye sir.

Back in town and with a massive ( ) hole in the company ranks, Kalarion goes back to check over the available hires. The Bastard looks like a good first hire. Any time you find a mid/high-tier background for less than 1,000 crowns it's worth a shot if you have the room. Kalarion checks him out:


And it paid off big! 57 starting melee with two stars is a guaranteed 85+ bro at 11, and he's got a star in fatigue with 108 to start! Resolve is pretty good too, one or two sacrificial rolls will put him at my minimum of 50 with no problem. His HP is a little low but I'm confident I can get it up to 80 or so. He'll make a great front-line face wrecker.

: You seem decent with your blade, and you've gone through paces barely breaking a sweat. You're in, if you want it. But I want something clear.
Kalarion walks up to the new recruit.
: If you're a caravan guard I'm the Harem Master of the Gleaming fucking Gilder. You don't have to tell me exactly where you're from, your lordship.
: But I won't have your past coming to bite the Turtles in the ass. Let's have a little honesty, shall we?
: ...fine. But it's not like all that. I'm a byblow, my family cares nothing about me. There's no strings attached, sir.
: Ahhhh, a bastard. Fine. But with the nobles there are always strings. They just don't always get pulled. Remember that. Name?
: On-
: OnTilt.
: <jumping into a corkscrew spin> ANSELM! What the FUCK Whiteshark! What are you doing here?!
: I was sent by the Sergeant, Captain. The men are ready.
: Next time give me some warning! Sweet Anselm you creep me out sometimes. Now then, recuit: name?
: He has it right, sir. OnTilt. <looking at Whiteshark> How did you know?
: I rem-... I have seen thee before, sir.
: You lived in Jerstal? Funny, I don't remember you.
: Thou wouldst not, sir. <muttering> Not yet. I was but a servant.
: Ignore him, Ontilt. He's making a joke referencing another Turtle. He had the same name. He died a couple months back.
: Boontaker, get him outfitted. Give him a spear for now and have him work the line with Cogemeister.
: Aye, sir.

The new hire taken on, it's time to outfit the men. Hauberk gets the mail coif, while Eyestabber gets the mail coat.
: I can barely feel it. Is it really much different than what you had me in before, sir?
: Yes. But don't worry, you'll be feeling weight as soon as we can afford it.

Turtles looking just a little more shiny:


The Turtles head to Grubenfeste. There's been a warehouse fire lately, which means prices are up,
: Gay!

but everything sells at a premium.
: Yay!

Kalarion offloads some loose junk and makes a couple hundred crowns.
: Sure could use a @factor factor right now...
: Cogemeister! OnTilt!
: Sir!
: Go get some lessons. Here's the money for your training.
: Yay!

As we prep to leave Grubenfeste, an interesting opportunity shows itself:


: Sir! Sir! Red Legion's about to try taking on a whole flock of Nachs!
: Reeeeeeally. Let's go give them a hand. Boontaker!
: Sir?
: Bring the men to the run. We're going to slaughter some Nachs.
: Aye sir. TURTLES! DOUBLE PACE!
: <groan>

This is one of those opportunities I mentioned in the last update. The Red Legion (another company similar to ours, capable of taking contracts and some other limited world interactions) is chasing down a huge group of Nachzehrers. We're going to go join the fight. It's a safe way to build experience for the newbies and get some trophies in the bargain.

: @Red7!
: Kal? Thought for sure the space tigers got you by now.
: ...maybe this was a bad idea.
: Whatcha need kuk.
: Thought my boys and I would have a little fun together with you and yours.
: Fine by me. Just don't get in our way.
: No problem, you move up as far forward as you want
: HEY WAIT! DON'T-!
: Get 'em doggos!



And here we see the danger of participating in NPC-on-NPC fights. Red's Legion isn't playing this smart. They immediately unleashed both their hounds, which are going to charge forward into that mob of SIXTEEN (16!!) Nachs and get raped. Then the Nachs are going to feast on the corpses. That's two quick mid-levels.

Oh well.

As predicted:


Gotta love the icing on the cake that four Nachs are now Confident morale. Way to go Red! On the bright side, they immediately begin expending consumables the Turtles would be much more N I G G A R D L Y ( ) about, netting a Nach, flinging javelins and firing arrows with abandon. Red himself claims the first Nach kill!


: Space lizards' pets are nothing to me!
: Dammit Red! Got a plan to reach that corpse before it gets feasted?!
: ...Kill the bigger one?
: I quit jousting for a reason. I quit jousting for a reason. I quit jousting for a reeeeeeeasooooooon-

1998 impales another Nach on a javelin but wisely targets a different one afterwards, wanting them to be within melee before they die. Hauberk whiffs.
: Just trying to make sure no more big ones get made! H-hahah! Part of the plan!
: Uh huh.

The rest of the Turtles move cautiously forward, wary of being flanked and overwhelmed. They form an L with Kalarion as the southern anchor and one of Red's shieldbros as the north. Cogemeister and OnTilt spearwall, trying to channel the Nachs into splitting forces to avoid the spears. Our pikemen take up position behind the main line. Red's pikeman, on the other hand, takes up position... somewhere??


: Red...
: Protecting against alien kidnapping.

Sure enough, the Nachs open the next round by feasting on the unprotected corpses. It's not all bad though, Red's Legion continues pelting the oncoming wave with javelins and arrows, and nets another Nach. The javelin-work in particular instantly brings the northern mid-level Nach down to half HP before it can close with the line. Our spearwall strat also appears to have worked. The Nachs avoid Cogemeister and OnTilt, channelling themselves into the strongest parts of the line.

Gerey kills a Nach on the line. Nemesis follows suit.
: STURM UND DRANG! Seehen sie Coge?
: J-ja, mein herr!

Eyestabber kills his mark as well.
: This isn't very fun, not gonna lie. Like killing rats. At least sand-niggers and canalha squeal and beg for mercy when they die.
: Just be patient.

Red's pikeman rejoins the line, apparently regaining some sense. 1998 lands another javelin hit, again making sure not to kill. Kalarion now faces a minor dilemna:


He can kill that Nach easily of course. But he'll have to step forward to cover the corpse, which will leave him highly exposed. He can take a serious beating from these guys, but attack from three sides means they'll chew through his armor in 2 or 3 rounds. But Kalarion is nothing if not predictable. He Chad-steps north one hex and:
: Time to foign


He steps back into line, taking the calculated risk of dealing with a mega-Nach later on. OnTilt steps forward to poke at the northern mid-level Nach but misses. Fodder follows suit. That Nach might be a problem soon.
: Cogemeister! Get up and set spears, try to keep the Nachs from reaching those corpses in the south.
: Y-Yes, Sergeant!

Cogemeister steps forward and re-spearwalls, trying to keep the Nachs split up. Incredibly, one of the Nachs runs right into it while trying to reach an open corpse and gets a spear to the face... twice! Then another wastes a turn getting speared. It manages to avoid the second spearwall attack, but doesn't have enough AP left to feast. We'll have a chance to kill them next round before they become a problem. Nice!
: STURM-WALL!
: Mein neger <sniffle>

Getting on top of corpses trumps every other consideration apparently. One of the Nachs moves backwards and feasts on a hound corpse. Red's crossbowman puts a dart right into the face of the Nach line, dropping one to critical HP. Then, one of his bowmen makes an Aimed Shot that lands in the middle of the Nach horde, dropping that one to low HP and straight to Fleeing!


Don't be fooled by the seeming high hit chance, that doesn't show the very good chance of the shot flying astray. The Nachs on the line open the next round scratching ineffectually at the shield line of Whiteshark and Cogemeister, missing every attack. Luckily, one of the Nachs on a corpse is Fleeing right now, so won't feast this round. Boontaker steps forward and tries attacking the northern mid-Nach, to no avail. Red's pikeman moves forward too... and misses too. The northern mid-Nach is not so generous, smashing OnTilt's armor to flinders and leaving him seriously in danger of death next round if it's not taken care of.

Eyestabber steps up.
: Sir! Watch!


: FOIGN!
: HAAAAAAH!
Gerey steps up to attack the northern mid-Nach, bringing it to critical HP. Hauberk continues to perfect the art of the "totally planned it!" shot, smashing a Nach after aiming at the mid-Nach behind him. 1998 throws his last javelin for a whiff, then switches to his warfork. Meanwhile OnTilt finishes off the mid-Nach that was threatening him for so long!

: Anselm guide my spear!
: Indeed... brother.

Kalarion Splits again, killing the Nach in front of him and wounding the mid-Nach behind. He steps forward to cover the corpse. Then...


: Mega-Nach! Beware!

Round 4 opens with whiffs from the Nachs along the line:


Another Nach feasts, becoming a mid-Nach. Then Red's pikeman finally lands a shot, smashing a Nach to the dirt. Red's swordsman charges forward to stand on the corpse. Fine with us, but leaves him very exposed. All this slaughter has driven both northern Nachs to Fleeing. Boontaker takes advantage, thrusting at the newly-made mid-Nach. Hauberk fires a shot from behind Cogemeister, smashing a bolt into a mid-Nach's chest. Then it's the mega-Nach's turn.
: Ah shit, here we go again.


That actually sucks. Kalarion was in position to absolutely rape the entire line with a combo Swing and Split. Oh well. Time to get him out! The mega-Nach is quickly isolated and surrounded after a combination of merciless slaughter of the remaining Nachs and the fleeing of the last mid-Nach. Red's boys, predictably, decide to engage in a hopeless chase of the fleeing mid-Nach rather than concentrate on the still-fighting, and very dangerous, mega-Nach.

Meanwhile, every Turtle starts coolly dismantling the mega-Nach. Boontaker opens round 6 with a thrust that drops the mega-Nach to critical HP. Then...


: ARGH! I'll fucking gut every one of you!
: Watch where you're firing, dipshits! Put the bows down!
: Shut up kuks, this is war.
: Big words from the kuk that did nothing this entire fight, ja?

(He really hasn't slashed a single time the entire fight since the first kill)

Luckily, Red's pikeman ends the fight by killing the mega-Nach, freeing Kalarion. Loot is a bunch of Nach trophies, nothing to write home about but we can craft another Nach necklace from it later.

: Well Red, I can't say it was good working with you. Hope you get good pay out of this.
: Kuks never appreciate true warcraft. Or money. You'll be pissing away your kuk-coins, meanwhile I only take payment in Alchemist Snake Oil.
: ...That doesn't sound like good investment advice.
: It's because you're a kuk, probably taking vag advice. Good luck, you'll need it.
: Um. OK, bye.

The Turtles continue on their way to Salzfels. Then:


: AMBUSH!
: Shit! Boontaker-
: Drop your packs and form up now! OnTilt, Eyestabber, Fodder, get back with the wagons. You're in no shape for a fight.
: But I wanted to gut some canalhas!
: MOVE!
: Yes, sir.
: Ventilator, get to the back rank. We're almost out of ammo, I want you behind the main line.
: Whiteshark, whatever that power is that makes archers into retards, use it!
: My shield is a wall of iron.

: Nice!

Interestingly, there was a caravan going by as we got hit. Maybe the banditos were actually after them? At any rate, those three are still recovering from the last fight. They're out for this one, lowering our numbers advantage in trained men (the caravan won't provide quality fighters). Further, we're almost out of ammo. I don't even know if Hauberk and 1998 have full quivers.


Nice! I was wrong, the caravan had two guards. They're the good guy equivalent of Raiders, better-armed and with better stats than hands.

: Watch the marksmen! Ventilator, how many?
: 3 at least.
: We'll focus on the north. You guards-
Caravan Hand: AIEEEEEE!
: Wait! STOP!


Well, at least the hands running all over creation was useful. We have a better idea what we're facing now.

: Hope you guards aren't that stupid.
Guard: We can handle ourselves, sellsword. Fuck off.
: Our assistance is spurned before e'er the enemy strength is determined? Thou wilt never be more than a guard, fool.
: Men. I don't want these bandits to learn a lesson. I want them gone.
: AYE!

: Gerey, come with me. We're going around back.
: Jawohl mein fuhrer!

Kalarion and Gerey move through the narrow passage to the right. Boontaker moves to a cozy nook in the trees nearby. Nemesis stays in place, concealed by bushes. Cogemeister does the same, spearwalling in the hopes of getting some free shots. Whiteshark moves up to complete the wall.

: Snipers! One to the southeast and one to the south. Targeting the pack animals.
: Good. Let them waste time and arrows.

1998 fires off two precious javelins, nailing the only visible Marksman in the neck.
: Good shot Ventilator! Let's see if I can finish the job for us...


: Hit them twice, show them you care.

Up north, Whiteshark continues acting as a ranged magnet, drawing crossbow fire. The greatmace Raider promptly smashes the crazy hand to smithereens, one-shotting him. One of the guards moves in front of our shield line, apparently deciding he'll be a one-man wrecking crew. Fine with me if he dies in a Turtle's place.

Meanwhile, 1998, revealed by the javelin throws, is instantly targeted by 2 Marksmen down south, who both land hits. He's in trouble, with half HP and armor.
: AUGH! My hand!
: Back off, you don't have any more javelins anyway. Get behind the carts!
: Ngh, aye.

Whiteshark and Boontaker advance forward and take position behind the guard. Nemesis moves in front of Boontaker, prepping for next round.


Hauberk starts the Turtles off with an extremely difficult shot that he misses. Boontaker follows suit on the hammer Raider. Whiteshark moves up to complete the flank of the Raider and goes straight for the shield. One more split and the Raider will be easy prey. The Raider, knowing he's in trouble, immediately shieldwalls and then swings at Nemesis, landing a hit for solid armor damage.

Gerey, now free to move as he pleases, rejoins Whiteshark. Nemesis calmly goes to work on the hammer Raider, managing to seriously damage armor through the Raider's shieldwall. The next round, Boontaker again thrusts and again misses.
: Dammit!
: Oh, no need to worry


Whiteshark, the way freed up, instantly moves up to get in the crossbow Marksman's face.
: Greetings, foul knave! Thou'rt not long for this world.


This has the added benefit of forcing the greatmace Raider to take a disadvantageous position, or...
Marksman: Dosey-doh!

: Excellent. Thy compatriot will now die the quicker. Meantime, let us see what mettle thou art made of. Have at thee!

The crossbow Marksman immediately fires off a shot at Hauberk following his Rotate, hitting for negligible damage. The greatmace Raider proves Whiteshark correct, swinging and missing. Gerey immediately re-tangles the Marksman, getting off a slash that destroys his armor. He's in trouble now.

Everyone else moves into supporting positions. The distinct lack of Pathfinder on our melee is really starting to make itself known in this fight, as various Turtles' movement radius is restricted to 3, rather than 4, hexes.
: Unfortunate miss last round, knave! Try again.
Raider: You mother-!


: NGH! Attacking the - hnn - shield arm. Unexpected.

Nemesis moves to the high ground to the west, covering the approaching cleaver Raider. 1998 steps up and tries poking at the greatmace Raider but misses. Whiteshark takes the only sensible action, shieldwalling and nothing else. Gerey, wishing to prepare the way for Kalarion, beheads the Marksman in two hits!
: STURM UND DRANG!
: My turn.

Kalarion guts the greatmace Raider, leaving him with no armor and a sliced belly. The cleaver Raider whips out a Pilum and uses it to destroy Nemesis' shield!
: Anselm cast you down! That's the last shield I go through, or so help me...

1998 fires off another stab, this time connecting and dropping the greatmace Raider to Breaking. Whiteshark calmly absorbs the Raider's frantic swing on his shield. Nemesis steps down to take revenge on the cleaver Raider, headshotting for negligible armor damage. Kalarion casually finishes off the greatmace Raider.
: Stay here, Whiteshark. We won't need you for the rest of this.
: Yes, sir.
: Turtles, move south. Time to take care of those bastard Marksmen.
: Aye!

We do just that. The rest of the round is everyone moving to take out the last remaining bandits. Hauberk and 1998 stay north to help Nemesis with the cleaver Raider. Said Raider lands two solid shots on Nemesis, the second being a Decapitate! Luckily Nemesis was still full HP on that, so suffered no additional damage. He immediately takes revenge:
: Shield, armor... shouldn't have dropped your shield.


: Did he mention you shouldn't have dropped your shield? Time to die.

Hauberk finishes the job with a bolt to the chest. Gerey, running south, discovers one of the hidden Marksmen. He immediately gives chase.
: Stray untermenschen! Easy sport, ja!


Next round, the sword-and-board Raider destroys the remaining caravan hand, nearly killing him:


Whiteshark and Nemesis stay in place, both badly hurt but Nemesis thankfully uninjured so far. The sword-and-board Raider finishes off the hand, but he's now flanked by a guard and Cogemeister, with Boontaker in position for stabbities. Meanwhile:
: Heeeeeeeere, drecky drecky drecky!


: Ahhh, found you, kleine schleime! Time to die!
Marksman: Eep!

There are two enemies left, both dead for sure. The rest of the fight is a foregone conclusion. Loot is nothing special. We pick up the items that will sell decently and move on. Kalarion decides to head straight for Riedland and the temple with the new injuries sustained. The rest of the trip is uneventful.



Fantastic! This event means hunters, poachers and bowyers are added to the recruit pool! Kalarion goes to offload goods for crowns while the boys get treated at the Temple:

: Yay!
: You girls know what I want.


: Ahhhh, quality holes.

With the sale of our junk we're back close to 9,500 crowns! Time to spend some money. Kalarion grabs some reinforced nets and another Nach trophy from the Taxidermist. Nemesis gets the trophy. Time to check out the available hires!


Another bastard, but this one is much better equipped, meaning a huge hiring price. No thanks. There's also a hunter and poacher. Kalarion checks on the poacher first, but he's useless, with below-average melee and ranged and talent stars in all the wrong places. Next up is the hunter.

@Irenaeus: "javeliner, skirmisher, scared of melee type."

: Greetings, good sir! I'm Irenaeus, and I love...


: And of course, the usual: javelins, beer, you know.
: How are you with a sword?
: <grimacing> A sword?! I can do alright with those pig-stickers I suppose, but I'm not one to dirty my hands in a fight. I prefer the elegance and simplicity of a needle through the heart.
: Well... I suppose Ventilator could use some company. Fine, you're hired. Boontaker, get him a sheaf and we'll see what he's made of.
: We've only got the heavy javelins right now, sir. I'll give him some throwing axes.
: Fine with me.
: Axes?! You <pointing at Kalarion> consented to this. You <pointing at Boontaker> consented to this. But didn't you forget to ask someone?!
: No.
: I feel ra-!
:
: Oh. I see. Yes, yes, very ironic and droll. Enjoy it then.
: Sir.
: Sergeant.
: Sir. And Sergeant.

Jokes aside, I think this is a pretty good chassis for a thrower. Naturally high ranged skill that will probably cap out around 75-80, and stars in melee and both defenses means he won't be a slouch in a melee pinch with a sword or spear in hand. Very nice.

In celebration of the newest recruit, Kalarion treats the men to a night on the town:


: LO-CHAIM!
: Sir...
: Oh, FINE. Cheers!
: Yay!

Finally, the contracts are checked. It's a package delivery to the middle of nowhere and an exploration contract. Not interested. Salzfels time!

Salzfels has a 2-star contract for a package delivery to Rothstadt. Considering it's nearby and a town we want to keep on-side, Kalarion takes it. The Turtles go window-shopping at the Weaponsmith while Kalarion is busy negotiating:


: Look at those rods of quivering, rock-hard steel!
: L-look at that beauty! The catch on that thing could stop a-an Unhold in full charge I bet!
: One day, lovely rapier. One day.
: The shields I could split in twain with yon axe...
: Just imagine how far I could shove that blade up some sand-nigger's ass.
: Ahhhhhhhh.

Dreams dreamed and negotiations complete, the Turtles take an uneventful trip to Rothstadt, then return north to Salzfels. The price of Salzfels' trade goods is still a tad too high, so Kalarion looks into the new 1-star contract that popped up. It's a hunting mission! Perfect. We take it.

The thieves turn out to be a small group of 7. It's a mere slaughter with shit loot, not even worth writing about. The Turtles take their pay, and recheck trade good prices:


Progress! Uncut gems have a value of 520 crowns, and salt is 340. We should be able to make a tidy profit off these now. Time to finish buying armor. To Reinbruch, by way of Waidhof!

Waidhof has a 1-star contract for a camp clearance. We take it.


It turns out to be another uneventful slaughter against 7 bandits. It does provide some worn mail coats, so that's nice. We head back to Reinbruch for our pay. There's a Wildman for hire in town, and I seriously considered dismissing Fodder to pick up Gregz' character. But I'm hesitant to just ditch Fodder after all this time, and the Wildman hires on for over 1,000 crowns. I reluctantly decide to wait on pulling the trigger.

Next stop: (finally) Reinbruch!


Hopefully the contract will clear disappearing villagers. It's a tracking mission. We take it. Our quarry is right outside town:


: Found 'em sir. Direwolves, a medium-sized pack.
: Hmmm. That would explain the missing villagers. Probably meals in their bellies.
: Yes sir.
: Dire wolves?
: Big, nasty wolves. Not afraid of men. Faster than the wind. Goblins ride them sometimes.
: What's the plan sir?
: Turtle up. They'll come to us. The key is to kill them quick. If you give them time they'll slash you to ribbons. Let's go.
: Aye.




These are direwolves. They're wolves the size of donkeys. They're fast as fuck (fast enough to attack three times if they don't move), lightly armored with low morale, and naturally strong. They basically charge full-pelt and commence to clawing the shit out of people. If you can hold for a round or two and kill a couple, the rest usually break. The wolf that looks like it has rabies is called a Frenzied Direwolf. They have slightly better stats and they also have the Overwhelm perk. Very dangerous in packs.

: Hold the line! Let our range and pikemen work!

The Turtles begin the round with whiffs from 1998 and Hauberk. Boontaker steps forward to be in position to poke next round. Nemesis steps forward and pops Riposte, hoping to get a few free hits off the incredibly fast wolves. Eyestabber occupies the high ground nearby. OnTilt steps forward and spearwalls, and Irenaeus fires off an axe behind him, headshotting a wolf. The rest of the bros move into position, and Kalarion finishes out the round with a picture-perfect foign, badly wounding his targets.

The next round the wolves take a bajillion shots at our line. Two wolves move north to try outflanking Eyestabber.
: I always did want a fur coat

Another pair move south trying to flank Nemesis and threaten 1998. Nemesis gets off a vicious riposte attack on one, and the other was one of Kalarion's foign targets, so we're not too concerned with that side. Boontaker pops Adrenaline Rush to pre-empt the wolves next turn, but misses this attack.

: C'mere you mangy mutts.


Both wolves drop to Wavering after that vicious swing. Hauberk takes the high ground and drills a shot right through the lungs of one of Eyestabber's targets, dropping it to Breaking. Gerey slashes at the wolf threatening Boontaker, hitting once for good damage. Nemesis drops his opponent to 1/3 HP. 1998 lands a solid shot on the wolf trying to race to him, dropping him to Breaking as well.

: You know, I still love darts the most. But these axes can do wonders once you get a feel for their balance.


Whiteshark, fighting opponents with high melee defense and on high ground, predictably whiffs. Fodder does not, landing a vicious stab that smashes one of the wolf's legs. The only real threat remaining on the field at this point is the lone Frenzied Direwolf. OnTilt promptly takes care of it:
: Flee, cur!


Cogemeister steps forward to support Whiteshark, resulting in Boontaker's wolf dropping to Fleeing as well. Then Kalarion beheads his target and they all break completely. It's a total rout. The remaining wolves are slaughtered where they stand over the course of the next round. Loot:


: Fur coat!
: Hmmm. We may be able to accomodate you on that.
: Bring the hides to town. Let's go get paid.

There's a new, 3-star contract in town. It's a town defense against greenskins (which means, orcs). The payout:


: I don't know about this.
: With that payout?! Why not?!
: That kind of money means either a lot of Orcs... or a warlord.
: A what?
: Now that would be big-game hunting.
: I agree with the Captain. We would risk all on this contract. Yet, we cannot leave this town to be raped by the Orc horde.
: Rape?! Where!

Before making any rash decisions, Kalarion buys some new armor from the town Armorer. Nemesis gets a shiny new mail hauberk, while 1998 gets a mail shirt. With that:


: We've done it. The Turtles are now encased in shells of steel. I still don't think we're ready for whatever is coming, but this is a good start. Well done, men.
: Yay!

THE END OF: Full Metal Jackets

[Kalarion]

EPILOGUE TO: Full Metal Jackets

Whiteshark levels up:

For his perk he takes the obvious: Battle-Forged. I'll now be going back and picking up useful tank perks I didn't get in my rush to Battle-Forged.

We also take care of Irenaeus:

His perk is Student.

Nemesis:

With a new weapon and Reach Advantage.

1998:

Takes throwing weapons as his perk, and the surname Wagner.

Hauberk:

With Footwork as his perk.

@OnTilt, @gerey and @Boontaker, don't forget that you all have dings to take care of as well (see the posts above this last update for your roll choices, and don't forget perks).

I'll be levelling up Cogemeister shortly. Then, as the Turtles are still contemplating the town defense contract:



: Well shit. That certainly complicates things.
: Not what I had hoped for...
: No one wants a war between houses. It is what it is.
: 'Twere not the war I referred to, sir. 'Tis a mere pity it were this and not another crisis.
: ...whatever.
: There's opportunity here, sir. The chance to kill knights and loot the battlefields where their corpses are strewn...?
: Danger too. Soldiery aren't just better-armored bandits, sergeant. They're deadly to those like us.
: I suppose you'd know, ja.
: All I know is there are women for the taking in a war!
: Rape!
: Rape!
: ...
: I could always use a better crossbow I guess...
: I've had it with these fucking shields. Sergeant! I want a greatsword!
: You haven't been working on your 5 Ds as much as you should. Better start focusing on them if you want to survive with no shield.

: At any rate, I have a lot of decisions to make. Gather 'round, men. Let's hash this out.

[Kalarion]

@Acrux @WhiteShark @maidenhaver @OnTilt @asf @Eyestabber @Nemesis @gerey @Cogemeister @Hauberk @Boontaker @1998 @Irenaeus @Oyster Sauce

ALRIGHT. We have some decisions to make.

FIRST: the town defense contract. The payout is ungodly. That usually means either multiple groups of fights with Warriors and possibly other types of Orcs you haven't yet seen, or a fight with a Warlord. Either way, it's likely to be deadly, and entirely possible to result in a TPK. VOTE ON THIS CONTRACT, YEA or NAY.

SECOND: how we interact with the current Crisis. We're in a NOBLE WAR. We have a couple general options.

We could just ignore the war to the maximum extent possible, continuing to take contracts as usual without picking a side. Noble contracts for the opposing sides are essentially shut off for the duration of the war if we don't pick a side (they'll almost always involve the war), but nermal contracts still pop, and the uninvolved third House is still available.

We could participate in the war as well. This basically entails picking one of the sides (I'm going to exercise prerogative if we do this and choose the house that has Salzfels and Riedland), and taking their noble contracts. Doing so has a couple effects. First, the other Noble House will immediately drop to hostile with us. We won't get a chance to recover its faction until the Crisis is concluded. Second, new contracts specifically related to this Crisis will start to pop. They involve high risk and extremely high pay. More importantly they involve constantly fighting the armies of opposing houses. These guys have good equipment and come in large groups. It's dangerous but there's a lot of opportunity to absolutely skyrocket the quality of gear you have. Noble armies can spawn knights with famed equipment, all ours for the taking if we're lucky and daring enough.

VOTE ON OUR CHOICE FOR PARTICIPATION IN THE WAR, either to IGNORE IT or CHOOSE A SIDE and try to WIN IT.

My votes are: NAY on the town defense contract, and PICK A SIDE AND WIN for the Crisis.

Note: I haven't yet bought our first camp follower, but I will be shortly. It will be the SURGEON.

[Oyster Sauce]

As a corpse with nothing to lose, I vote YEA for the suicide mission and YEA for participating in the incredibly dangerous war.

[OnTilt]

@Acrux @WhiteShark @maidenhaver @OnTilt @asf @Eyestabber @Nemesis @gerey @Cogemeister @Hauberk @Boontaker @1998 @Irenaeus @Oyster Sauce

ALRIGHT. We have some decisions to make.

FIRST: the town defense contract. The payout is ungodly. That usually means either multiple groups of fights with Warriors and possibly other types of Orcs you haven't yet seen, or a fight with a Warlord. Either way, it's likely to be deadly, and entirely possible to result in a TPK. VOTE ON THIS CONTRACT, YEA or NAY.

SECOND: how we interact with the current Crisis. We're in a NOBLE WAR. We have a couple general options.

We could just ignore the war to the maximum extent possible, continuing to take contracts as usual without picking a side. Noble contracts are essentially shut off for the duration of the war if we don't pick a side (they'll almost always involve the war), but nermal contracts still pop.

We could participate in the war as well. This basically entails picking one of the Noble Houses (I'm going to exercise prerogative if we do this and choose the house that has Salzfels and Riedland), and taking their noble contracts. Doing so has a couple effects. First, the other Noble Houses will immediately drop to hostile with us. We won't get a chance to recover their faction until the Crisis is concluded. Second, new contracts specifically related to this Crisis will start to pop. They involve high risk and extremely high pay. More importantly they involve constantly fighting the armies of opposing houses. These guys have have good equipment and come in large groups. It's dangerous but there's a lot of opportunity to absolutely skyrocket the quality of gear you have. Noble armies can spawn knights with famed equipment, all ours for the taking if we're lucky and daring enough.

VOTE ON OUR CHOICE FOR PARTICIPATION IN THE WAR, either to IGNORE IT or CHOOSE A SIDE and try to WIN IT.

My votes are: NAY on the town defense contract, and PICK A SIDE AND WIN for the Crisis.

Note: I haven't yet bought our first camp follower, but I will be shortly. It will be the SURGEON.

Do what you like with my level-up.

I agree with your voting. No Town, Yes crisis.

[Acrux]

You hear a voice from beyond the grave whisper "This contract contains a (not so) hidden danger. Beware! Also, get involved in the Noble House war? Sure, why not."

I enjoyed @Red7's cameo. Those tactics seemed pretty believable for him.

[1998]

As a corpse with nothing to lose, I vote YEA for the suicide mission and YEA for participating in the incredibly dangerous war.

I second that, go full Volkssturm and Total War on them.

[Red7]

You hear a voice from beyond the grave whisper "This contract contains a (not so) hidden danger. Beware! Also, get involved in the Noble House war? Sure, why not."

I enjoyed @Red7's cameo. Those tactics seemed pretty believable for him.

i would plant explosives on them before sending into superior enemy force. or be more jewish and put poison on them so enemy would get incapacitated after eating them. this way they could be raped alive

[Nemesis]

NAY on the town defense contract.
YEA to picking a side in the Crisis.

[rusty_shackleford]

I vote yea. I do not know what I am voting for.

[Kalarion]

I vote yea. I do not know what I am voting for.

I have fortified your vote.

Remain calm, patriots are in control

[Hauberk]

It is said that fortune favors the bold but a glorious death isn't what a mercenary is after. So I say NAY to an early grave and YEA to pick a side in the war of nobles.

[maidenhaver]

Nay and Nay. We are lordless pioneers; let's build up with an eye on the second crisis, which will be against orcs or undead, and require veterans live. There's money enough to be had with our normal contracts, and doing our caravan runs. We have to play the long game, with our 12-man limit.

[Eyestabber]

Bruh, come on, not interacting with the crisis isn't even a real option. I say we join the war and do ALL the raiding. Bring daggers for that sweet noble gear. Also, perfect opportunity to include tasteful rape into the story.

[Oyster Sauce]

Nay and Nay. We are lordless pioneers; let's build up with an eye on the second crisis, which will be against orcs or undead, and require veterans live. There's money enough to be had with our normal contracts, and doing our caravan runs. We have to play the long game, with our 12-man limit.

You can't be a pussy your whole life